[gostryter]

i've been depressed as long as i can remember - it never gets better (and if i wasn't on medication i'd most certainly be dead)

i'm about to lose my second job - essentially because of my depression

just finished my third hospitalization

i found a nice new T but i'm not going to have insurance or money to keep going to him or for my meds for that matter

i have about enough money to pay my mortgage for the next two months

what's the point of fighting?

i fought the last time i quit my job because i was too depressed to keep going - i fought to find another, get my finances in order, get back on my feet and for what

to fall again? only this time to fall further...

my body is one scar now

there's just no point...no point at all

the pain never stops and it will never go away

and i will always fail

i've always been in pain and i've always failed

it's never going to be any different

its never going to get better

[Fuzzybear]

Hoping for you......

[MyBestKids2]

((((((((gostryter)))))))

sending kind caring thoughts your way

[wickedwings]

god, i feel the same way......

[gostryter]

how is it possible to hurt so much?

i overdosed when i was in college...my new T asked me last week if i was glad i didn't die...i said no...i'm not glad i didn't die...i wish i had

here's what's happened since i then i od

good things
(1) graduated college
(2) bought a house (although...i'm in the process of losing my job...so i may be losing my house)

bad things
(1) alone, alone, alone
(2) lost 1 (almost 2) jobs because of depression
(3) was laid off once
(4) was hospitalized on psych ward twice
(5) had to deal w/ family member's alcholism
(6) my self injury behavour continues to worsen
(7) gained about 130 pounds (yes i'm 300+)
(8) claimed bankruptcy

i'm sure i could come up with more...those were just a few highlights...

who in their right mind...or not in their right mind...would be glad they'd lived?!

what kind of stupid question was that!

i'm not saying i'm suicidal...but if i had my choice i would not have survived...damn stomach pumping

[sidony]

Gostryter, I'm so sorry.....

I don't have much to offer. I can only say that it is worth it to keep on going. Some day things will be good again, and the bad is temporary.

At least that's what I'm telling myself right now 'cause I'm having a hell of a hard time too. But this thread is about you! So I'm sending caring thoughts your way too. It will get better....

Sidony

[gostryter]

(((fuzzy, dee, wicked))))

i don't mind sharing my thread Sidony!!!!

mi thread es su thread!!!

((((sidony))))

[Charles_Stover]

Why don't you pursue your dream job? Really, when you're not afraid of death, that's when living opens up new doors. You're free, man. I think what's wrong is you're trying to conform yourself to the life other people expect you to lead, as opposed to the life you want to lead. A common thing people do when finding what they want out of life is they think of what they enjoy most. If cars, be a mechanic. If computers, be a programmer. If games, be a developer. Think of what you like most, and do it. What do you have to lose? Live for yourself. Separate yourself from your worldy possessions. You don't need all the material things you think you do. I know a chick who lived in a car for about a year, because she had no home - or anything else, for that matter. All your clothes? How much do you actually wear? All your tables, lamps? How many do you use? Minimize your items. Separate yourself from your belongs. In a case of debt, selling those things could only help.

I dunno. I can only hope all that would help. I really hope it gets better for you.

I hear you loud and clear, sendin thoughts and good vibes to ya, your here because you help ppl. Ppl like me.. I if anyone needs you, I do. So put me on the pro's side, OK.

pm me, Mark. The progresstion

(((((((((((gostryter)))))))))))))))

Please know that you matter. You were one of the only one who cared to post to me after i opened up in survivors forum. Something like 50 views and only you tried to comfort me. That is a signficant act; one that changes ppl Thank you.

[gostryter]

(((((((((((charles, tucker & ev)))))))))))))))))

if i could lock myself in a room with a computer and spend every minute of every day trying to help my pc friends...i think then i would like living...i love you all so much!

i don't know why life has felt the need to hurt us so badly...

thank you all for your comments

[spal]

I wish that I could wave a wand and make all your pain disappear and your life better. But I can only offer you my support. Recovery is a long process. Have patience. It's not like on TV where everyone gets better in a few hours and ten years worth of life is condensed in a three-minute montage of happy highlights.

It is so hard to think practically when you are depressed. I know I find it hard to find my logical brain when I am feeling down. But don't give up.

You are not an evil ax murderer. You are not going around trying to take advantage of and hurt people. Making mistakes does not make you an evil person. You are trying to cope with life.

I didn't have skills to cope with life because no one taught me. I was raised by crazy people and it took me years to find practical ways to cope with the stresses of life and to figure out ways to deal with other people that respected them and myself. But after being brainwashed by 20 years of abuse, it wasn't going to be unprogrammed in a week or even a year or even five years. Depression didn''t help in this learning process so that was another thing to deal with. But it is not insurmountable. Life is a marathon and not a sprint. I am STILL recovering.

Talk to your new T about how you are feeling and see if both of you can come up with a plan together so that you can feel better in the short term and in the long term. Take small practical steps forward and feel good about them. Have people around you that support you and can counter the negative thinkers in your life. I know when you look at the whole of life it may seem insurmountable. You will never get to a better place and if you do, you will slide right back into the hole. But just tackle it one day at a time and then the good days will accumulate.

I know when I have my falls in the depression pit I always think that this is it. I will go back to my life of ten years ago of total misery but I try to remind myself to keep going and to reach out. And that it's temporary. And to do what I can with the time that I have. It's hard in the face of feeling hopeless and overwhelmed to think in this way but hang on to that hope. Slowly you can build it so that it takes up more space in your life and slowly you will trust that it is a strong enough foundation. But that takes time. Don't give up.

[gostryter]

hurts bad today

[SeptemberMorn]

I have to disagree with you. It DOES get better! I know because *I've* been better. Meds help a whole lot, but you need to change your way of thinking, too. You need to know that Depression lies big time to it's victims. It makes us see things from a very negative point of view and it's usually untrue. We need to dig deep for the positive. It's there! We just need to find it.

[Charles_Stover]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
gostryter said:
if i could lock myself in a room with a computer and spend every minute of every day trying to help my pc friends...i think then i would like living...i love you all so much!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Maybe that's just what you need, then? Find some way of making money off it, not in a greedy way, but in a way that you can actually support yourself. It is not money that makes one happy, but what you do. So, don't fantasize about the huge house, the fancy car. Only earn enough to buy what you need, and spend the rest of your time/money on being happy. I found that really one of the only things that can make me happy is helping others. It's because of this that I pursue a career in psychology/psychiatry. Not for the money, no. Because I love helping people. Just think of a way to earn just a little more than enough to get by and spend the rest of your time helping your PC friends or doing whatever you want to do most.