[KarkiOxygen]

Hi all, I'm a woman who suffer anxiety, some kind of phobia and recently doubt if I get depression (Forgive me if you cant read well, cause English is not my first language....)

I'm a kind of person who look happy, positive but actually is a negative person inside. I look having a lot of friends around me, occupied at many social activities. I get some friends who do care about me, but I'm a kind of person who dunt always want to talk much about my past stories, my inner feelings (actually I can't figure out the deepest feeling inside of me , what I really want now and the real me...)I get plenty ideas to cheer my self up , know the reasons why I feel sad, just dont know how I can be motivated to take action. It's just like a vicious cycle, you feel sad, you want to change,you find somebody to talk to and find ways to relieve your pain, and things seems turn better , up until now, you find you have entered so many battlefield , staying strong but no way to win at last....

Because of some family and relationship problems early this year (that's another story), I just find no longer I can cope with this situation. Then I find psychologist to talk to, having some short trip and read books, find many things to help myself to ease the burden I bear for many years, to find the solutions to realize what I'm suffering. Things seems turns better and I thought I was on the way on recovery, to know how to take good care of myself, start to ease the burden that I had since childhood finally.These was what I thought. I word hard to fight for my life. But recently, some family issue outburst (some deeprooted family problem)and I feel like I no longer stay strong for myself. Everyday I dont; want to work,but I can't cause I cannot lose my job. I nearly find nobody I can trust. I just want to sleep all day, felling headache and heart ache. I want to forget someone , trying to learn not to care about what the others thoughts on me. I feel terribly sad but don;t know what I can do more. Totally trapped and to be frank, feeling to end my life. The reason why I;m still alive is I am such a coward ,fear the pain of death, fear if I suffer more afterlife. I really don't know what to do , just would like to end the pain. What can I do?

Thanks for your time if you're still here with me. I know my words are not organized, so hard to read...thanks.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, KarkiOxygen. Although it sounds as if you are suffering from depression, it would be valuable if you could see a medical doctor to discover whatever else may be making your symptoms worse.

I am glad you have been able to consult a psychologist. As you have been suffering for many years, it will probably take longer to work through these long-term problems.

dont know how I can be motivated to take action

This is also a problem for me. I can think of things that might help, but it is difficult for me to focus and find the energy to do those things.

Please make yourself at home here, KarkiOxygen.

[Michelea]

You did a great job with English, I could easily understand what you are saying.

In my opinion, depression has a hidden "claw" which directs and skews our views to see only the dark or sad things in our life. Not that there aren't dark or sad things, but they are ALL we can see when seriously depressed, and nothing outside of that. It's like we are now wearing blinders to block our view of the good things.

I have felt like you do, so understand what you are saying. Even though it is difficult to see now, the pain of family outbursts and relationship problems do fade with time. Please talk with your psychologist about feeling so overwhelmed by it all now, and keep posting here for support as you work through this.

[KarkiOxygen]

Its so warm to receive replies here. Thank you so much for all of your warm messages.

Yes I found psychologist half a year ago, but I stopped visiting for a few reasons. Not because my psychologist cant help me, but a few reasons... one main reason is I cannot afford the big costs of regular visit. I'm not sure how US or European people view visiting psychologist, but it's an expensive to many people here, not a necessity cost at life.

Another reason is I think I have said all of my past , what I encountered in the past to my psychologist, some of my thinking were changed positively after counselling, but the family problem is still here, and worst of all, I just feel like I lack the motivation to make me feel good. It seems I know some ways,i.e exercise, meditation... but what I wanna do is to escape all of the things , all of my responsibilities

[KarkiOxygen]

I know it should not be the only way to post here.But what I want now is find somebody to talk to. I am a person who find hard to trust people around me in reality. I get used to fake a smile , know how to make people happy with me, but I still dont know how to take care of my self, the little me inside my heart, that I feel so painful to live.

It was just like I am a fighter in a marathon, I tried hard in so many battlefields, strike to survive, but it's too tired to stand up again to fight...

[Michelea]

I'm afraid I don't know what is available where you live. Are there any support groups or less expensive therapists you could go to?

[Michelea]

I know it isn't face to face, but we are here to listen and support you if you feel comfortable talking about your family and any other issues you are dealing with. This is a great place when you need to vent, cry, or get angry about something.

[Fuzzybear]

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by KarkiOxygen

I know it should not be the only way to post here.But what I want now is find somebody to talk to. I am a person who find hard to trust people around me in reality. I get used to fake a smile , know how to make people happy with me, but I still dont know how to take care of my self, the little me inside my heart, that I feel so painful to live.

It was just like I am a fighter in a marathon, I tried hard in so many battlefields, strike to survive, but it's too tired to stand up again to fight...

you need someone to talk with about your present relationships....it must be someone you can trust...if you find a good person it will help you see what you are dealing with...you are under stress...you sound like a good person...

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm here to listen too, Karki..

[KarkiOxygen]

Thanks to all, your posts really warmed my hearts and encourage me to speak more... I really don't know how to start with... But to be simple,I'm facing 2 big obstacles now :

The first one is always my family problem. I was born at a home that I feel I lack the real love from my mum and dad. I know they actually love me. But they overprotect me too much and even I'm now at late twenties, I feel suffocating from thrir over control especially from my Mum. I deeply affected by my Mum and never manage to escape the shadow on me. My mum also get depression problem,serious than mine many times,that she always said she wanted to kill herself. Problem get worsed as some family issues in recent months getting worse

[Sula B]

Hi KarkiOxygen, So sorry you are going through this. This is a great place to vent your feelings and talk without feeling judged as there are so many who can really understand what you are saying and feeling. It is a great forum for 'talking' and being heard and understood.

Your English is fantastic by the way - very easy to understand - so much for those of us (me) who cannot speak another language.

[KarkiOxygen]

The second one is a bit hard to say, as I found I got a feeling for my psychologist. This is one of the reasons that I stop visiting him. I had visted him for nearly half a year,he helped me to have a new angle to view my family issues,especially my mums. He also helped me to rebuild confidence , positive lookback on my childhood,as I was not happy at my primary's schooling. But what make me noe feel not right is even after I stop to see him,i still think of him frequently,this is sad that I know this is just transference,not a real love and maybe just a reflection that I'm a kind of person who lack love. I never entered a relationship,though some men adore me,but in the end never an relationship occur. I guess this maybe a very first time that I find a man fully listen to me such a long time so I got a crush on him.
I know the most effective way for me is to turn back to express the whole feeling to him ,and to seek ways to solve it ( He knew I got a feeling on him,but didn't know the intensity,and I dont know why I found I couldn't as fully trusted on him at the later stages of visiting) I also consider to find a new psychologist,but as I said,the fee here is not easy to afford for ordinary citizens for regular visit,and I thought I already spent a lot . And its not easy for me to find another psychologist,talking once again my old long problem plus these issue. I'm now ,stucked at a point that I don't know what to do,feel the pain but lack the motivation to change. I actually wanted to start a joirnal to write down my pain suffering now , do you guys think its a good start?

[KarkiOxygen]

Originally Posted by Sula B

Hi KarkiOxygen, So sorry you are going through this. This is a great place to vent your feelings and talk without feeling judged as there are so many who can really understand what you are saying and feeling. It is a great forum for 'talking' and being heard and understood.

Your English is fantastic by the way - very easy to understand - so much for those of us (me) who cannot speak another language.

Thanks so much!

Sometimes a journal can be helpful.
It sounds like you handled the tranference just fine. You know it's not love and you realize it's just a natural desire to have a real relationship. Why pay money to discuss something that just is and cannot change. The heartache will lessen with time. Sometimes love is not returned in "real" life as well.
Reading and posting here has helped me understand some of reason my pain and I hope it helps you too!

[KarkiOxygen]

Originally Posted by Mysterious153

Sometimes a journal can be helpful.
It sounds like you handled the tranference just fine. You know it's not love and you realize it's just a natural desire to have a real relationship. Why pay money to discuss something that just is and cannot change. The heartache will lessen with time. Sometimes love is not returned in "real" life as well.
Reading and posting here has helped me understand some of reason my pain and I hope it helps you too!

Your words mean a lot to me. Thanks fir the guidance.