Good and Bad today

Good things... Today is the third or forth day in a row I've not taken a nap. I have been sleeping late in the morning but not horrifically badly.

I'm still at the point midday where the idea of not taking a nap becomes nearly unbearable, but I've been able to fight it. That is excellent for me. I don't feel ready to go back to work yet though because I spend a large part of the day just struggling to stay out of bed. And so far my frame of mind is that I'll stay out of bed today and nap tomorrow... if you know what I mean, I fear that the not-napping is going to catch up with me and that I haven't really solved the problem.

It is definitely progress though.

My other problem concerns working. I finally feel as if I am on a path moving back toward working again but I'm afraid of pushing myself to go back to work too soon because of my finances. I'm down to the point now where I think my next prescription refill will wipe me out. The whole financial thing is such a huge source of stress and anxiety right now.

I think I mentioned that I asked around again of the friends who owe me money to try to give me back some. It is so so so frustrating. If I could get all or at least a big chunk of what people owe me... MY OWN MONEY... it would keep me going at least another month and maybe I'd be ready to move at that pace.

My power went out today and all I could think was that they shut my electricity off. It was the neighborhood, I was SO lucky because a neighbor was outside yelling at her husband not to turn the swimming pool pump on because the power was out... loud enough that I could here her clearly in my living room. So I knew it wasn't just me. But for about a half hour that's all I could think.



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--http://www.idexter.com

((((Dexter)))
Glad to hear of your progress.
best wishes of hope for the days ahead, and the current issues you are facing.

I am glad you have electricity and sorry you had that worry of it being disconeccted.

Hope you have a good rest of the weekend.

Take Care,
Kris

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

I have the same issue with sleeping and being in bed but I am trying to see my need to rest as taking care of myself not giving in to the depression. I literally have been exhausted, took a leave of absence for 6 weeks, 2 weeks in now. Trying to get a little stronger everyday. Sorry you have the financial woories on top of the depression. Good things for me. I went to a yard sale today and everything was free so I got two pair of good rossignol skis and two pair of maybe okay boots for free. I went to a recycle reuse shop to get rid of a computer that a woman I know who has a d.d. crashed, third one. They wouldn't take it but I found a reading pillow like my daughter wanted and a cassiopeia hand held notebook thing for 4 bucks. Just a toy to play with. I got stopped for alledgedly speeding and was given a warning. I thought I left the candle burning when I left my house and didn't. My new memory for my laptop came so I am no longer freezing up., Trying to practice being positive. was very anxious earlier and it passed. Reconfigured a computer for the woman mentioned above that was given to me by an older lady who just bought a Dell. Set her up and wrote in bold black on the cpu, NO PASSWORDS. She password protected her bios on the old computer and I couldn't get in without knowing what jumper to disconnect but it was old and slow so I just didn't want to have to pay anyone to ressurect the poor thing. Anyway, wish you had a better expectation about money. Can you be brutally honest with the people who owe. I am not doing real well right now and can't work till I am feeling better. I was there for you and lent you money, I need you to be there for me now and pay me back. Or, I have a serious health issue and I need the money now to pay for my health care. Hope I didn't ramble on you. Trying to practice the good stuff.

Dexter, sorry I think I hijacked your post with my last post. Did not mean to at all. Good luck.

No problem, if this turns into a thread where people post all their positive energy then that's a good thing.

I'm never sensitive about that with regard to my posts in general though. It can be a real issue when someone is looking for help but personally it just never bothers me for my threads.

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--http://www.idexter.com

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dave}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I hope your day is going good and keeps on getting better.

Love ya!




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

((((((((((((((((((dex))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

I went through the rest of my mail today... yes the stuff that has been piling up for 7 months now. Didn't open it, just sorted it and bundled up all the junk mail ready for recycling. The worst part was opening all the letters from collection agencies. (I opened things that I wasn't sure if they were junk or not... I didn't want any mail in limbo, just "real" stuff and everything else kicked to the curb.

I am still so worried about everything, about recovering from this, about living a completely different kind of life once I am past this.

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--http://www.idexter.com

>> Can you be brutally honest with the people who owe.

I have been, and also sweet and to the point: I am in danger of losing my home if I can't dig some money up right now.

I know they are all personally strapped for cash which is why it was never an issue for me to worry about what they owed me. In the emails I sent out I asked if there was anyone else in their life or family that they could borrow money from and pay me back... that is sort of "transfer" that debt to them. It looks like that is not an option though, which right off the bat tells me a lot about the kind of person I am.

And making me question my fundamental roots of my personality. The giving and loaning isn't a problem in and of itself, because I never expected anything in return for that, for me giving is its own reward. Part of it is just that maybe I should have been taking care of myself all this time (although that money was loaned so long ago it wouldn't have helped me out now... in reality if these people could pay me back now it would be like "found money" which is exactly what I need right now) and the part I don't like is the bitterness, like if the universe isn't going to take care of me when I am down, why should I pump energy into it all my life?

I keep saying this, but the bitterness and lack of trust is going to be my absolute worst issue with regard to moving forward with this... in terms of reclaiming any sort of life that gives me joy to participate in... because that has always been so integral with the idea of trusting people and enjoying their company.

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--http://www.idexter.com