Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

i can't sleep either. had several appointments today.i also learned i need back surgery.

not a bad start to the day,

got my radio fixed so I can listen to atlantis again (and perhaps find some other stations if I fancy it later), had breakfast too.

feeling calm for now

Sad... nightmares are getting bad again.

-sigh-

Have to go to the food bank today. :/ I was hoping we wouldn't need it, but we don't have enough food to last until Friday.

mood stayed pretty good for the rest of the day

rocking out to my music.

it's awesome

Frustrated with myself. Why is it that I can hear so many people tell me the same damn thing over and over, but I just don't ****ing listen? What the hell is wrong with me?

I think I'm just going to end up completely running myself into the ground. Just destroy myself, and see if it will finally break through my stupid thick head.

Managed to wriggle out of another existential crisis last night, almost destroyed my own motivation to get my life in order. Who would have thought forgetting my meds for a day could cause that?

PS: Screw you anxiety. Seriously.

It was a weird day for me. I should have known from a couple of dreams I had before I woke up to go to work. One dream was about a guy I work for who was giving me a hard time, telling me how much better he is than I am. And then a second dream was that I went off an edge somewhere and was falling down to a bottom very far below.

And now, about the day. 15 minutes after I woke up, I got a spasm on my left upper back. All I did was putting a towel into a laundry bag. And then it hurt all day and right now still. And at work, the email and internet crashed throughout the whole place. It was down the whole day.

It seemed like something else happened that was weird today, but I can't think of it. The moon is in a "new moon" phase. Perhaps that explains the weirdness of the day. Funny that I have that on my avatar.

Totally and utterly flat

Oh, and now I remember (and how could I forget)! I had the "runs" this morning. Went to the toilet about six times this morning. It must have been some kind of food poisoning.

I called in sick to work today. I think this might be the last straw for them...I think I might be getting fired. I am not ready for this.

Quite irritated daughter's learning to work and passed on her irritation to me + bad dreams

I'm starting to fear that I might not be functioning as well as I think I am. Then at the same time I feel like I'm just being so overdramatic this week, and things really can't be as bad as they seem. But I feel like a total mess.

for all who want them.

Not depressed today, I think my upped dose of Prozac is working.

I feel like I should try screaming into my pillow. Ranting doesn't work anymore, but I feel like a pillow won't suppress enough of the sound since I live in an apartment, that and I would prefer to pace back and forth with my hands free rather than sit in one place or constantly have something block my view.

Update: there's something called a dictation/speech mask. That might be what I'm looking for.

Another weird day today. The email, internet, and phone got up and working at work around 10AM. There seems to be a coffee fiasco going on at work. Regular coffee ran out and there's confusion as to who is supposed to place the order. One guy (he's in IT) told me that he called the coffee company to order. He was not supposed to do that. He didn't have an account number to order. And then he told me, "from now on you are to order the coffee". He is not my boss. I called my supervisor about it and the supervisor told me that the IT got was all wrong for what he did. And that it was not my responsibility to order the coffee. It never was.

Went bike riding after work. Went to the pool area and it was fine. When I got out I met with a woman that I know who was sitting just outside of the pool area. She's married; but then I saw her going out with another guy around 9PM. I wonder if she got separated. As far as I recall, her husband never seemed very happy being with her. That woman told me that the man she went out with is from the HOA Board. I didn't think that there were any single guys at my place. I thought that I was the only one. Lots of weird things going on at my place.

This week so far has been a lot of weirdness and pain going on with me. New moon strikes again!

not a great day.

kept thinking about how i've failed in life and how I just want to erase everything

had nothing at all to do this afternoon so made up a song about animals

(using the tune to the wheels on the bus)

welcome to my friday

Real down right now

I'm glad that the weekend is here, I guess. It was a very weird week at work. The coffee fiasco as of now is straightened out. I hope it does not happen again. My friend called me this morning and suggested that I should apologize to the IT guy from yesterday when we had it out about the coffee. I really didn't agree with him. I felt like the IT guy had started it with me. For me I tend to hold off on yelling at other people, especially if I like them, when I don't have all of the facts about what should have been done.

I got a message from my friend tonight asking me if I could join him for breakfast and a Halloween parade. I'd rather not go. He had invited someone else before me but the other person just decided not to go. So I feel like I'm "second stringed". I have a lot to do for myself tomorrow morning. Though I would rather he come and visit me later on.

what happened with the coffee?

(if you want to talk about it)

I am feeling better than yesterday and laughed at someone's joke which was cool.

they were going out and I asked- so where are you going?

them: oh just going to find narnia

lol.. made me laugh out loud

So, so happy that it's the weekend.

Since missing Thursday, I have had my shifts cut down from 4 to 3 per week - Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I am surprised I did not get fired. Although I'm disappointed in myself, maybe this schedule will work better for me because it'll be less overwhelming (I never work 2 days in a row). Hopefully this helps ease the stress a bit.

Feeling fine so far this morning, crossing my fingers that this sticks for a bit!

Nervous and lonely this evening. Empty too - I need to get my damn life in order, but I just can't make myself care enough to do much of anything.

Also, if I don't start getting up earlier I'm going to have a bad time when work starts again.

I didn't sleep well last night. It was no one's fault, I just couldn't sleep well. So I got up early. Been on the go all day. No getting together with anyone today and probably not so for tonight.

I have been feeling good emotionally today. It feels like all of the problems and the things I have coming up to dread have just gone away. I hope that I will not feel bad later on. I usually do on Saturdays - later on.

managed to get out of bed and gone to work today. Just trying to get through the next day until wife and kids come back home.

It has not been a good weekend so far. Yesterday I was busy, but nothing much happened with any kind of interaction with others. Just today, I went to try a new church out but I ended up not going in because I couldn't find parking and there seemed to be some kind of Farmer's Market along that street. So I came back home disgusted.

I just called my sister. I had not heard from her in a while. She seemed very tired and out of it. She tells me that her health is OK, but I'm not so sure if it is. She said that she wishes that I could be in the area where she is, but I don't ever want to go back there. I don't know why she keeps bringing that up for.