Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

It was a pretty weird day today. The morning started off strange as my garbage disposal under the sink did not work. I just tried it again just now and it still does not work. I had the switch on and it started to smoke. So I unplugged it. This morning I noticed that the unit felt very hot. With my financial problems, I have to get it replaced. It's going to cost a lot for me. I told my friend about it. I knew it was a mistake to tell him that. Of all things, he suggested to ask my downstairs neighbor for a wrench. I thought that I made it very clear to him that my downstairs neighbors and I don't like each other. I think that my friend may have Alzheimer's.

At work, people were getting on my nerves. One guy put a shipment of equipment together and didn't know what he was doing. He wasn't properly trained at doing something simple. I couldn't help him out. Plus I have to call the shipping company to pick it up and it's a lousy company to deal with.

It was fairly busy today at work. The workout went great.

Been feeling extra depressed this week, though I know it's because of that time of the month. Still, it doesn't help that I've already been so depressed lately. I've been able to cut way down on SH'ing, which has been good. Met with my T yesterday, she asked me if I thought I needed to be hospitalized, but then agreed with me that they wouldn't be able to do anything more than what I'm already doing. I see my pdoc tomorrow, kind of feeling nervous about that. Last time he was convinced my depression was all situational, and yesterday T said she knows it isn't. Hopefully the pdoc will do something with my meds now.

Fruit flies don't have exoskeletons , if you just clean up, they should go away.

Definitely feeling down: got 4 hours sleep, that time of the month, unexpected events every day of this week but Tuesday . Sigh

Getting things done. Helps the depression a bit but my situation is more the cause of depression now.

I put up a fly strip and it got several so far. I'm glad I had it on hand. Cleaning the kitchen sink is hopeless without a snake.

I am so done feeling like this

I was feeling alright today. And then I got home and got a fine in the mail. A couple of weeks ago I got ticketed for a moving violation. The cop said that I didn't come to a complete stop. This happened right near where I work. Around 7:30 AM not much goes on in that area. Other people at where I work had told me that the same thing happened to them. Well anyways, the fine was more than I thought that it could be. I don't have much money on hand.

The evening went alright. Did the laundry and it went smoothly. I was disappointed when I went to a deli at a supermarket and they didn't have chicken tenders on hand. It's my favorite and ideal to have on a night when I do laundry. At night I went to the pool area and no one was there. That was a surprise because it's very warm outside tonight, like summer.

Just got home from work - I didn't miss a day of work this week, yay! I'm quite happy about that (and having the weekend off doesn't hurt either). :P

Feeling depressed and anxious today. Most days are like this. MDD Recurrent and Panic/Anxiety d/o with some PTSD thrown in for good measure. I would just like to be normal again. It's been so long, I wouldn't recognize normal if it bit me. Therapy does not help. I cancelled on the last one saying "I need help with this anxiety that crawls up my skin like ants." All she wanted to do was talk about setting boundaries. Out of the 4 I have tried. One cancelled on me after I had left work twice to meet with her. One had to get out her textbooks, One got up and left the room to take a phone call, started sweating and started talking about how the Incas and Egyptians communicated via the pyramids. I.kid.you.not. I need help for a variety of things. Thanks for letting me vent.

I blew it. Slept straight through my alarm. They said if I don't come on my next scheduled day, they will fire me as a patient.

I think I almost talked myself out of overreacting to my most recent episode.

There's one thing I'm terrified of: what if I never feel consistently "fulfilled", even after this emptiness passes? What if nothing ever truly feels "worth it", ever again, no matter what I do? What if I feel empty forever? What if I'm never capable of feeling accomplishment - not even out of any existential abstractions about meaning or purpose, but out of just not caring?

It's too much.

Plumber?

I think I'm feeling apathetic

You might not know about my battles in this building. It wouldn't be a bad decision to skip it, it's too long and vast.

Yea! Good for you!!

I sort of slept through my alarm this morning. It was on snooze, but heading toward just turning it off...

Then the phone rang.

But at least I got up.

Is there someone who could call you?

Feeling in somewhat of a funk What I mean is slightly down but somewhat mellow A relaxed mood , cocooning in my apt.

Ok, understood and I'm sorry

I'm glad you didn't miss your day! Yes, my friend could call me but if I don't hear the alarm, I wouldn't hear the phone ring either. I must use my sleep stuff like by 8 pm and then hopefully I'd wake up without too much trouble.

I'm glad that this week at work is over with. It's been a weird week. It seemed like I had to lead some people by the hand on things that they should know about and do.

I worked out and it went well. Very hot outside. I got to go to the dentist tomorrow morning at 7AM. Not looking forward to it, but I was told it's a very minor issue. I just hate that numbing feeling I get when it's over for a few hours.

Feeling empty and frustrated again today. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm crawling out of my skin but I just don't care about anything. If it weren't for the Reddit and Youtube, I would probably just lie in bed all day.

I'm not suicidal in the least, but I see no reason for me to keep existing. I perceive no purpose, no motivation, little pleasure, I'm not even sure this "hurts" anymore. Everything is just...empty.

Went to the dentist at 7AM today. It all went well. Very busy with cleaning. I thought that my friend would come and visit me today, but he had other things going on. He wanted to help me with the garbage disposal problem. I wish he could be here. But I got too busy with stuff anyways to need him.

I love this part of the week (especially Saturday mornings). For some reason I feel like this is the time to not live in reality. It's like the bad things from the recent past and stuff to dread in the future just goes behind me. It's like they don't exist at all.

But I'll probably feel bad later in the day. I always do on late Saturday afternoons and evenings.

I have been pretty much laying down all day, with only recently being able to drag myself on to the computer.

Maybe it's because without work, there isn't any solid reason to get up. But today has been very depressing thus far.

Not really caring right now