Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

I'm doing OK, trying a new health supplements called SAM-e. On the 5,th day to soon to say is working, but I feel OK. Not great, but OK.

Today I'm really depressed. Not sure why. It's just one of those days.

Feeling better. But not for the right reasons.

I'm actually feeling mentally ok today. got the dishes washed and house cleaned before wife and kids got home.

i'm honestly not sure what I was expecting from today (perhaps something to do with halloween because today is halloween), but I'm not getting it

it is so ****ing dd depressing.

no one even wished me a happy ****ing halloween

I don't like halloween, but that's not the point

the point is that all around me people are dressed up as witches and vampires and have halloween candy, what do I have.. some lame christmas decoration on my door that goes jingle when you shake it

**** off

I'm trying really hard to stay positive about everything. But when everything results in failure, it gets really hard to keep up.

very tough night yesterday with a lot of dark thoughts concerning family mostly, but also other stuff (namely how worthless I am)

part of it was because of all the halloween stuff going on around me, and part of it was to do with the fact that yesterday evening I heard fireworks (big trigger)

no sleep

today struggling with what I call, " first of the month blues" (yeah, I made it up)

the feeling you get on the first day of each month that says to you well... their goes another 30/31 days of you being nothing, what are you still doing here?.

yeah..

probably just watch some avatar later and order my takeout

who really cares what I do

Had my diagnostic meeting with my new T today - I'm officially diagnosed dysthymic.

I think it's a combination of that, hormones, overeating and subsequent tiredness that are why I just want to curl up and cry this evening. Work starts tomorrow, though, so I need to get to sleep.

woke up in a rather good mental state. Stayed that way most of the day thanks to the one person at work who only has to open his mouth to piss me off not being at work today. pondering somethings right now.

I want to tell my problems to get in line . . . to form an orderly queue . . . and come up to me one at a time. But they won't. I have an array of difficulties that are coming at me from different angles at the same time. I feel worn out. I guess I have to just do what I can do one day at a time.

Right now the property manager of the little apartment complex where I live is creating unnecessary drama. I'll feed into it as little as possible. Problems pass. I try and remind myself of that.

I am tired. I need rest from complications that just go on and on.

Not looking forward to going into work today, didn't get nearly as much sleep as I should have. x.x

I'll just try to keep in mind that I can take a nap when I get home. :P

Me too! I got like six or seven hours which is not enough for me, and I'm very sick but I already missed four days of work.

Everything's been feeling blurry and unreal at times. The depression is bad, but feeling unreal is disturbing.

More self-discovery...and I can find the right words that describe those aspects of myself too! I'm on the right track. For once, I'm actually starting to feel whole.

Feeling a bit better today. I even went to buy groceries. Maybe it's going to be a good day.

Swallowed by a dark embrace. Today is not a good day.

Work went fine, and I just woke up from a nice nap.

Feeling OK.

Down, suddenly. Loneliness closing in. Talked with a friend on Facebook who I've recently reconnected with. She shared with me today that her boyfriend (technically fiancee) will soon be moving back into the state. Until now he's been living several states away. I'm trying to be happy for this friend, but I just can't help being jealous. The fact that her and I have feelings for each other... complicates things.
I know that once he gets here she will want to spend more time with him than me. I feel like I have just now started rebuilding a relationship with this friend, after two and a half years apart, only seen each other in person once since then, and now there will be another person to take up most of her time.

She suggested we can all three get together sometime so that I can meet him, but honestly? I don't want to be the third wheel... again. I had to put up with enough of that with her in school. Guys have always just flocked to her, but they won't even look at me. It's always been that way.

I'm trying not to be a spiteful, jealous b----. I guess I am just sad because I (still) do not have love in my life. I am so lonely.

I don't even want to meet this guy of hers, to be honest. Does that make me a bad friend? I almost want to just up and stop talking to her again, but I love what we have... when it's just her and me.

Very sad today, racing thoughts, pointless worry...I'm getting much better at managing it though.

I feel like I'm drowning. Everything is so twisted and jumbled and just thrown together. There's no order, no sense to anything. I am less and less interested in leaving the apartment, in talking to anyone, in doing anything. It's all just too much work, and I'm exhausted.

I am in pain -- physical, emotional and spiritual. Trying to step outside of my suffering, but it's very difficult.

Too many people depend on me. I have very few people on whom I can depend.

God, give me strength...

VERY annoyed. Today has not been a good day. First of all, I probably didn't sleep more than 4 hours last night. Woke up sick, threw up a couple times after having coffee. On top of that, my mom had leftover alcohol from last night, and so was already buzzed by the time I even woke up, and was properly drunk by midday. Now she's absolutely sloppy, keeps trying to start arguments with my dad, ranting and raving, on and on. This is after her playing loud music for three hours on the computer, as well as with the oldest, shittiest speakers that make everything sound like distorted fuzz.

On top of that we were supposed to order my birthday gifts on the first (my bday is the 7th), but guess who has been too drunk so far to help me do it. And the past two days have gone by with no mention of it at all from her, which tells me that she isn't even thinking about me or my birthday at all. Then yesterday she tried to claim that she gave me permission to order the gifts on my own. Hell no she did not?? That's why I've been waiting, I thought she WANTED to supervise me AS I ordered the stuff from Amazon to make sure I don't go over the budget. Besides, I don't even know her PIN, how the hell am I supposed to order anything? ***** me I guess, and ***** my birthday... the money will all probably be gone and drank away by the time it can get done.
I'm giving up. I was looking forward to getting my presents, in fact that pretty much was the only thing I had to look forward to this entire month.

I'm sick of every day being like this, just... dreadful. There is always more bad than good, and the good things are only ever these pathetic little occurrences, like I got to see my cat for 5 minutes today before I opened the door and she literally ran out... I guess even she can't stand to be around me anymore.

And there's the sh-tty music again.

Sad, angry! Someone did a hit and run on my car. Now I have to come up with the deductible to get it fixed.

Been feeling alright, but also feeling discouraged. I'm feeling discouraged about people. It seems like I can't get together with anyone; and I feel like I have to put myself out for others, while others are not putting themselves out for me.

I went to the pool area tonight. It had been nice for a good while, but tonight a couple of people had to come in and ruin it for me. It seems like I haven't met any nice people at my place. It makes me want to sell my place and move out. There's no one I will miss if I move out.

Also I got a statement saying that I owe the dentist $107. Just recently I got a statement saying the I owe $30 from a doctor visit. And I had just paid for my auto insurance for a year. So a lot is adding up but nothing additional is coming in.

Thursday, I was doing okay. Back in the pit Friday. I keep climbing out, only to keep falling in and climbing out again . . . and falling in again.