Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

Feeling in need.....

Feeling so frustrated with depression. Self care is still a problem.

I'm so tired today, I just don't understand why I feel like this all the time. I just have no energy for anything, all I want to do is sleep. I wish I could just take something and sleep for like a week straight. Or longer. I just have no interest in anything or any desire to do anything. Just sleep.

Everything is different day by day.
I think that having more responsabilities has been positive for me. I think it gives me some sense of porpuse.
I keep coming back and forth. Worrying I don't like people, giving names to my problems, deciding which personality disorder I have and then taking it back. I feel the need to put a name on my malfuction, but when I do that I start to feel hopeless because the internet isn't very kind on personality disorders prognosis.
I understand the psicossocial roots of my problem. I can draw a temporal line. And that's probably the only thing I should be focused on. But then I feel like I am fooling myself when I deny a personality disorder and that I should accept it and the consequences.
I know the personality disorder doesn't make me and I do know I have good insight and I really want to change the way I behave. And those are some of the biggest prognostic factors. The other patients aren't me and probably if other patients that make the statistics had these two things they would have gotten a better outcome.
But thinking about all this stuff stresses me a lot. I am a person with a very particular and unique environment I am not a series of criteria that sums up the mean but not reflects the differences between many people with similar behaviours. It doesn't reflect the causes, it is vague in the feelings.
Grouping sets of symptons together only makes sense as a way to find a comum treatment and project a similar prognosis. If the main symptons are the same but neither is the treatment or the prognosis should I be fitting my self into this syndromes? I don't think so... So does it means I don't have it? And does this makes sense to anyone?

These thoughts are bad for me, they make me feel depressed. I just want to know that I will find a way out, I want someone to give me hope, since I don't want to be friendless and depersonalized all my life.
Do I like people? Am I fooling myself thinking I like people? It is just all a product of my imagination

When I was younger I used to fantasize a lot, about everything. I had a lot of fake boyfriends in my head, I had many prince charmings that cured my shyness and my lack of self-esteem. Someone that loved me no matter what and was always there for me - this was my dream. I wished there was someone that could make me feel good and warm and not frightened of being myself. But after a certain point I got mad at myself for having these fantasies and I have worked hard to stop them. Now I think that even if I tried I couldn't do it anymore, I just know they are unrealistic and that they make no sense. Any imagination can't make me feel good when I know they are not real.
Is this an improvement? I think so, but I don't want to be to optimistic. Does this mean I am more in contact with reality and that I have room to chage? I think so. But I don't want to be missleading.

I have been stressed. I have three spots on my scalp that I have been picking for months. They are not visible, but inconsciently there I am, picking skin until it hurts and I take out the scab. Like since July. I will sleep now. I have to wake up early.

This is me too. And the last two days I have had body aches like I'm sick but I don't think I am. I just can't do anything. I hate it.

Hi Mulan,
I don't want to dismiss your concerns. They are real and connected to your experience and knowledge, but, what is normal, if not a concept socially constructed? I know, I know all the stuff you said. And that is important. But, please, also consider this:
- going out of the Internet Psy sites (like this one, for example) dominated by Anglo psychiatry. Look in books for other schools, such as socio-critical authors talking about madness. Foucault for example. Get in touch with other paradigms
- not forgetting that madness (or behavioral disfunctionality, or whatever) is a concept related to history and geography. It is a construct. What is considered crazy now and here perhaps it was not considered as something crazy in the past. Right now if you move from a very community driven culture or a culture where people externalize much their feelings to another one that is the opposite, you will be called crazy or at least inappropriate. The same works for the contrary. I saw it myself: kids raised in a foreign country. Teachers and others said the kid was "weird" while he was only behaving like people from his Culture.
- seeing how politics and other factors are playing a role as well. 20 years ago in bibliography homosexuality was considered a disorder. Transexuality was considered gender disphoria (actually some professionals still consider it disphoria) etc. Today, they are not disorders. So, in Psychiatry many things are too much dependent on many other things than can change with the time, for example.

Of course, you want to change things in you because you want to be happier and that is legitimate. And you want to know if this change is possible.
But, what "normal" are we talking about here?
A normal that is a social construct to me. I really don't think that "no normal" (or disfunctional) can be classified like we classify diabetes, for example, or "treated" like we treat diabetes, for instance.
Hope you have the opportunity to experience a paradigm shift about "mental health".
Sorry for the long statement. I wish you the best

It was a fairly busy day at work. Much to my surprise being President's Day. There were package deliveries from the carriers but no mail today.

I got together with a guy who lives next door to me and he let me use his key. He never uses it. He's a great guy. But I get the feeling that I will have to return it to him and get a key made for me. I went to the pool area tonight for the first time in a few days. It was nice.

I'm tired from a "cold" that is gradually going away after 12 days.

I'm moderately depressed. I hope, as I feel better physically, that I'll feel better mentally.

yesterday I saw my mental health worker.

was triggered by a lot of things she told me, to the point where I was shaking.

as you all also know i've been trying to change GP, and I found out later that my general medical records had been messed with (someone had included conditions I don't even have), which I believe is totally against the rule and their is no way i'm just letting that go

so yeah. low day

no sleep last night, and today wondering where the hell the week went

try having 6 flashbacks in 2 days. it really messes you up memory/ time wise

Left without any coping skills. Left without any explanation. Left with nothing but lies. Left after everyone has taken all that I had.

How could anyone be so cruel to do this to me??????????

Oh, I feel I'm at the edge of how much I can take, but am still coping

coming on here is a coping skill

so keep doing it if it helps

((((hugs))))

I can definitely relate to this. I had to wait 2 weeks for another T appointment. At a time when things were super hard for me.

PC helped me during the time that I was in between appointments.

i just wanna talk to somebody.

Feeling isolated, like I can't be honest with anyone and no one will understand me even though they say they support me

Preparing to go

i still mourn my chloe kitty... there are TWO anniversaries this week, first today makes four weeks since she passed, and saturday will be one month. on mon. we had roast beef and veggies for dinner, which reminded me of her; the last time we had that for dinnerwas the day she died. i remember my mom making my plate and bringing it to me so i wouldn't have to leave my kitty's side.

i'm scatter-brained and my head is full of fog. ican barely type this, i've caught myself in about 5 typos already. i better go, i feel a depression nap coming on.

Yesterday was a very good day for me. It seemed like everything went right. My pool & laundry key were found and I got it back. Very happy about that.

Today is a pretty slow day. An alright day, but not as nice as yesterday.

I feel pretty good today. Now if I can only start doing some house hold chores that I've been neglecting...

The depression is still on and not improving. I feel sleepy throughout the day. However, can handle the panic attacks.

Not too bad tonight.