[txconfusion07]

This is my first time here....And I'm still not sure where it belongs! I am not even sure what/if anything is wrong. I seem to be battling depression and have for a number of years....but has gotten worse since DD#2 was born last April. And here the last few months having what feels like a total panic/anxiety attack of some sort. I'm not sure were to start really. I was married for 2 yrs and had DD #1 and went through hell. After only 1 month of marriage he was drunk and we were in a big fight and he raped me. This moved calling me every name in the book and then on to hitting and tring to strangle me. Then prego came with DD #1 and things calmed. Then after having her, it started. Finally I left. Note: I never filled any charges...I felt bad and didn't want to hurt him...go figure. At any rate, we finally were divorced about 3 yrs ago. Since that time we had joint custody...because he was really great with her. Then last summer he took her...and didn't bring her back. He has money...where as I..not so much. He went to court...apparently told them I was no where to be found..when he knew were I was, and he got custody of her. Now I pay him child support and he up and moved to MI (I'm in South Texas). I haven't seen her since last Nov. And have no money for an attorney. Other than that I'm now in a really wonderful relationship now for 3yrs and have DD #2 who just turned 1 in April. But I am having a real problem with depression. It had gotten somewhat better until I had DD #2 and here we are again....With what feels like anxiety/panic attacks esp. when I am alone. I freak out to the point I feel as though my chest may explode. Nothing going on and I feel like everything is caving in. I freak out one DH and then think to myself....what am I doing....do I imagine things and make things up and freak on him. I'm not sure what is going on. And I'm afraid of talking to him about it because I don't want him to leave. I have tried talking w/ my mother just in conversation...and she just seems to blow me off....
Am I just making something out of nothing? Is this normal? If so...why is it all the sudden I feel like I'm completly loosing my mind......
Sorry so long....
txconfusion07

[stefano]

Well, depression often strikes for no apparent reason, so considering your bad experiences it would not be unlikely. I don't think you are making something out of nothing, these seem significative symptoms.
THere's lot of people willing to listen and care for you here. But even if the idea is not pleasant, you need to get a diagnosis from a psychiatrist, first of all.

[(JD)]

Also, consider a full physical exam by your MD to rule out any cause that can be explained and treated that way. Having children alters body chemicals, and can make depression worse, indeed! Do some good self care, you can feel better. TC

please go to a doctor.......

[recluse1]

not much i can add after the previous posts. i just want to encourage you to take their advice. it is very important that you talk to your doctor about this, could be something physically like your thyroid causing these symptoms. or you may suffer from anxiety disorder as well as depression. either way, your doctor should know what you are experiencing.

wish you well,
recluse1

[debbie_tabor]

Hi tx, I tried to reply yesterday but had reached my 5 member new posting limit (which sucks!).

If you read your posting through imagining it is from someone else, I would imagine you can see you are not making something out of nothing. You were raped and abused by your ex-husband, and now he has your child by lying to the courts.

I'm not a professional, but the way I see it you've somehow survived this far, but it's affecting you now in the form of depression and panic attacks. You need help to deal with what has happened to you and with not seeing your first child. Your relationship now sounds good, but perhaps you're worried that what happened previously could happen all over again?

Family members aren't always the best people to talk to. They can't always hear how serious things are or don't know how to help, and from my experience we can't always tell them how serious things are. Then getting blown off makes you feel like what you're suffering is not important. This stopped me from getting the help I needed for a long time.

Like the others said, please get help - see your doctor, find a therapist.

Take care and let us know how it goes,
Debbie

[txconfusion07]

Thanks for all of your advice. I'm sure that you are all right when you say I should go get checked. However, with my job, the insurance is so expensive and having to pay $300 a month for child support I just can't afford it. So I would have to pay out of pocket and that is out of the question at this time. I have good days, but when I have a bad one...it's really bad. It'll like all of the sudden everything with DD#1 comes rushing through my head and then more and more and I can't stop it. It seems to be so overwhelming sometimes. Then I feel bad because there people out there going to worse things that I have been through and deal with it. Yet I'm being a "wuse" about it! It is good to know that here is a place to vent where you aren't judged and people don't think you are...well..."crazy".

*Update w/ DD #1....I got a call from a mutual friend (who is a go between w/ the ex...he doesn't realize her and I talk) and she inform. me that he will be moving to the state that she is in now...as of Sept. 30th. Told me that she would watch her and take pics and send them to me.....This is so frusterating....

[debbie_tabor]

You are not a wuss. These people who appear like they're coping - are you sure? I would have difficulty handling the things you're going through, and I think the majority of people would be the same. I don't have children, but I do appreciate how much you must miss DD#1, and how screamingly unfair it all is.

Near where I live there is a community mental health centre which takes fees according to what you can pay. Do you have anything like that around?

[txconfusion07]

I'm not sure if there is....but I guess it would be worth checking into to see. But then it goes back to that, I don't want DH to think I'm nutts! I know he loves me, I just don't want to appear weak, or crazy, or have "issues". He knows about the things I have been through, but we don't just sit around talking about it, and I don't tell him who I feel right now.

[txconfusion07]

Ok...now I just feel so dumb....as I sit here looking through these Forums....I feel so dumb...like such a wuss for being sad, depressed, having anxiety, and just all around freaking out. The things some people have been through....I feel like such a wuss. Such pain....I feel for so many. I was reading in the Abused section......How terrible. I'm so sad....for these people. I had the "verbal" thing w/ my step-mom...the whole "I want to love you but you look like your mother" crap...a few slaps and a lot of yelling....and and I was raped by my ex....but the horrible nature of the pain these others are feeling....I feel as though I should have never come here to "vent" my pansy *** story. I have to be just being a pansy...a sissy....just need to suck up and grow up. I'm pushing 30 with kids.....I'm sorry you guys....sorry for the things that have happend....sorry for coming here and making something out of what I can only imagin in nothing compaired to you all and the horrible things that you went through.
May God bless all of you.....you are all so special.

[bipolar_bear]

Please don't minimize what has happened in your life. You are no "pansy" or "wuss". And I wish you wouldn't feel dumb about how you are feeling and your posts. You are feeling pain and reaching out. That is what is important. And there are others who understand and reaching out to you. Please try and accept the support and be kind to yourself. You deserve it. I am sorry that you have experienced what you have and hope that you begin to heal.

I am here and I am listening.

BB

[debbie_tabor]

I agree. Because others are suffering too doesn't mean you shouldn't get help for yourself, and you are minimising what has happened to you. Keep 'talking'! We're listening.
Debbie

[wickedwings]

(((((((tx)))))) keep posting. we're here for you. and no, you're not dumb. but, i know how you feel, though. don't be ashamed because all of what's happened to you were not your fault. it is not your fault that you are suffering from symptoms of depression and anxiety.

i know you must feel like you've been outshined by others' situations (no offense, anyone), but it's not necessary to compare your situation with others' situations. the point is: no matter how long or how many times you've been and no matter how severely you've been hurt - you've been hurt, period. you do deserve to get the help that you need. we're not here to judge you or each other. we're here to support each other. we lend an ear to those who need an ear. we're here for you. wishing the best for you.

[cafegrrrl]

Hey Tx!

I can relate to how your feeling guilty and like a wuss, especially after reading other posts from those who've been in worse situations and experienced really bad things.

I've been a head case ever since a stupid car accident (other driver's fault, by the way). And, I too, often feel like I don't have the "right" to complain and whine about it.

However, whatever the cause or reason, we're all in the same boat or similar situation. We all have stuff on our plate that just sucks...some just have a larger or more distasteful serving on their plate, but it's all the same, in a way. It all leaves a bad taste. And it still hurts, is confusing and painful.

In comparison to many of the others on this site, my problems don't seem so bad. On the other hand, it really is nice and very relieving to know you have the support and empathy of others and to know your not alone.

Also, you really should shop around for a doctor. I don't have insurance either. And, I don't make much money. I only have to pay $25 a visit to my doctor's office...and that's without having kids to worry about. You should be able to find a doctor who offers a sliding scale payment system. They base your fee on your previous pay stubs....just a thought.

[txconfusion07]

Thanks you guys.