[dexter]

I've been working all day on the newsletter for our Star Wars group... if everyone approves it, it will be distrubuted this week. I think it came out very well.

I also got out to see a movie today and I enjoyed it.

It should have been a good day but when I got home I got some news and I just feel like crap. I just feel really betrayed and ignored by people. I've been going so hard to keep my mind on the fact that a lot of my "abandonment" feelings are just me interpreting things badly because of the depression. But today there is no excuse. And I really can't figure it out. These are smart people who understand the illness the best they can, and certainly don't judge me negatively for that, and I honestly can't believe that they just don't care about me, but I can't figure any other possibility. While it is possible that some of them just think I don't want to be contacted or included in things because I've been isolating myself, there are several people in this group who know better, we've talked about it. This felt like a bonafide attempt to just keep it a secret from me. Maybe its just "easier" for them that way.

The few people I talk to, I can't even tell them about this, because they know and it would put them in a spot, worse it would put me in a spot if I found out they knew about it too and were a part of keeping it secret from me.

This is just absolutely NOT what I am used to in my life. I am so shaken by this it is unbelievable. It's like my whole confidence is shot down again, when I had been working so hard to reestablish trust in people.

I can't even describe how bad I feel. It is very late here and I am afraid I won't be able to sleep at all. I'm back to trying to figure out what my "thing" will be for the rest of my life... because more and more "people" and "friends" won't be it.

I am working so hard every freaking day to try to survive this. Am I going to spend the rest of my life alone, as a hermit? That just doesn't look all that much better then I am now.

My Celexa should help me sleep tonight, I'll see how I feel tomorrow. I feel about 19 steps back today.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[bptoo]

Dave,

I won't get into a long tirade at 3:55 in the morning, but I learned long ago that there are three things you can't control, people, places, and things. That pretty much covers it eh? I won't ask you to explain what happened, that is your business. But I want you to know that I consider you to be a quality human being. More giving, caring, and loving than most people I know in 3D. I don't know what happened with this group of people Dave, but here you're well-respected, cared about, and a loved member of this family. I'm honored to have you as my friend.

I hope today is much better, and you will be in my thoughts.

Greg



"Beauty is truth, truth is beauty - that is all you know on earth, and all you need to know"

[Fuzzybear]

I was thinking the same thing Dex, but Greg put it much better than my fuzzy mind would have done ... even at noon on another sweltering UK day (no air conditioning here ..) I just do not understand some people, like those people you wrote about here ... I hope things get better very soon, you deserve only good things!

((((((((((((((((((Dave))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

[wisewoman]

Sorry you had a rough night. It's hard to see people being selfish and just not giving a darn. It's not about you but about people in general and how we treat eachother. You can chose to surround yourself with good folk. It can happen and you will feel supported. Take care.

[SeptemberMorn]

I'm sure you know me well enough by now to know that I would have confronted these people and asked them what they were thinking; why hadn't they taken me into consideration, especially those that know your circumstances.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dave}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I know just how you feel, sweety!




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[dexter]

I did confront one of them recently... questioning, not accusing... didn't want to make him defensive.

Seemingly overcame a huge misunderstanding about what I needed and what I wanted. And it was a misunderstanding, he thought he was doing what I needed and wanted for him to do.

So for yesterday I have no explanation.

I'm really shaken because I've been trying to visualize a time when I feel well enough to go "back into society" and be around people, these people, again. Trying to imagine me dropping all of my judgement and baggage and hurt in the past and just having fun with them again. I've been doing that since this started, one of the long mental ropes I've been trying to climb to keep myself sane.

Now I feel like I slid all the way back down, and the guy who was supposed to tie a knot at the bottom dropped the ball too, so I'm back on the floor and can't even reach the rope.

The thing is I thought I had surrounded myself with good people. Intellegent, sensitive and open... I could see how they treat each other in times of crisis. And I still think they are good people. I'm just not one of them (not that I'm not "good people"... just that they don't consider me one of their close friends.) And that stifles me too because it sure didn't seem that way.

For the most part I do know that for most in the group, it is a matter of me isolating myself. Also with my health issues. One actually asked me a while ago, when emails would go around planning to meet to see a movie, since I would be unable to make it would it be better to take me off the email list, so I wasn't constantly reminded of the stuff I was missing, or leave me on so at least I still feel "connected." That kind of sensitivity seems to have completely disappeared.

But there are people in this group who I've SPOKEN TO about this, as hard as it was for me, hoping not to push them away further. They assured me that I was very important to them, that they cared how I was doing, would visit and stay in touch, and if it ever came up in discussion, would let other people know how I was doing and what I needed.

Was it all a bunch of head nodding? I honestly can't figure this out. It makes no sense. I know these people and can't believe that they don't care or don't want to care. Maybe they are all planning a big surprise party for me and are meeting in secret to plan it. But 7 months should have been sufficient time to plan, cater, host, and clean up after a party, no?

I haven't even eaten yet today... I'm going to go and try to be constructive. I already cancelled everything I had on my "to do" list today... I knew I would just need to take it easy today and not push myself. Hopefully I can at least get back on track with that tomorrow.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[dexter]

Thanks for everyone's kind words BTW.

You are not underappreciated. I know you understand that I am talking about people IRL with other stuff in common too.

{{{{{{{{place yourself here}}}}}}}}

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--http://www.idexter.com

[SS8282]

Hi Dexter. I can understand a large part of what you're going through. I've had my share of betrayal, in more ways than one. Like you, I've been told that they really care about me, etc., but in the end, they 'left'.

I've lost a few 'friends' already - real live friends too, not just cyber. It is very hard to pick yourself up again, because each time you trust someone and each time that trust is betrayed, the 'wall' gets thicker and you fall even further down.

I hope that you will feel better and trust the people here. ((((Dexter)))) if it's ok.

BTW, you take celexa for sleep? I take it in the morning - mostly because I have something else to take at night.

[dexter]

>> BTW, you take celexa for sleep?

Yes... they switched me to Wellbutrin because I was sleeping too much, but then I was getting anxious and wasn't sleeping so they added Celexa at night mostly to tame the anxiety but also it makes some people sleepy.

Remember everyone is different though... about a year ago I was on Zoloft and I HAD to take it at night because it made me noticably drowsy. Many moons and meds later they tried adding Zoloft back into my routine, but this time the very same dose made me hyper and unable to sleep. Either my body chemistry changed or it had a different effect when taken along with the Wellbutrin. That's actually why he switched me from the Zoloft to the Celexa in combo with the Wellbutrin, and that's the combo I am taking now.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[SS8282]

i hope the combo works for you. I'm on celexa during the day and seroquel at night.

Take care,
SS