I'm slowly dying and no one cares.....

I am all worked up and I feel more depressed than I've ever been. No one cares, not really. They will say they care, maybe talk to me for a while, or a day or two, then they'll stop talking to me because they are wrapped up in their own problems.

I try and reach out, get out there and date, but time and time again I get rejected. I feel like an undesirable piece of shyte now. I just want intimacy, not just sex (I want that too), but intimacy. I'm starved for it like no one ever has been starved by it before. I'm dying from lack of intimacy. No one cares enough to give me a chance.

My own mother doesn't even care about me anymore. She refuses to help me seek therapy. So that's off the table. She goes off and does her own thing and says I'm too much of a burden to be allowed to do things with her. I can't do things on my own because I feel I'm asking too much of my family to drive me everywhere. I can't afford cabs all the time. I'm stuck. Don't ask why I can't drive. It's not important.

My brother is a raging alcoholic and my mother enables him. My dad is a workaholic though my Mom says he just has "good strong work ethic" and doesn't like to sit around doing nothing for too long. He's either off doing one of three jobs or sleeping on the couch because those three jobs tire him out. Either way he's never around to see how my mom enables my brother and how my brother is a raging alcoholic.

I'm more scared than ever before with the dismantling of the only healthcare system that ever worked for me. I'm probably going to have no coverage and have to stop taking my meds because there's no way to afford them without it. My life is inevitably screwed. Even my state has little to offer me in the way of healthcare options and services. No help is to be found. I tried. Believe me I tried.

I'm slowly going more and more insane and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just going to crawl under my blankets and cry miserably now. Maybe.....I'll never wake up. But I always do. God...life sucks.

Uggg. My head hurts from all this emotion and thinking......

I think it might be worthwhile to focus on yourself and your life right now, particularly your self-esteem, before searching for a potential partner.

You say not to bother asking why you don't drive. Fair enough, I don't either and there is nothing wrong with that. But I have a couple of questions:

1. What keeps you at home? It sounds like a toxic environment, and you are more than old enough to move out on your own.
2. Do you have public transportation available? I understand that it's not the most glamorous way to travel, but it is more affordable than cabs, especially if you are on disability and can get a discounted bus pass as a result.

On one of your previous threads, myself and several others offered input and advice...and I see you replied with "well then, I'm screwed". I am not sure what else can be offered at this point. I truly am sorry that you are struggling like this, but right now I think you need to focus on yourself before searching for a partner. Good luck.

Nope. No public transportation is available. And I can't just up and move to a place where there is public transportation because I can't get a job because no one is hiring.

I'm done...just done.....no more focusing right now...my head aches terribly....I need an aspirin....and melatonin...for sleep.

I can certainly see the dilemma here! You do currently work part-time at least, right? Perhaps you can start saving towards first and last month's rent at a new place, possibly in an area with public transportation.

Also, is it that nobody is hiring, or that no jobs that you want are hiring? Some places are always hiring, such as fast food places. There is no shame working in a place like that, and it might help you save up more money faster. Just a thought.

I think moving out of this toxic family environment and getting an apartment of your own would do wonders for you and your self-esteem.

I can't work fast food because I have bad acne and the grease would only make it worse. I also have really bad compulsive shopping habits. Basically I can't save a penny to save my life. If I have any money, I must spend it. I can't explain it any better than that.

Took 9mgs of melatonin and an allieve. Time to sleep...

If it can help a little bit.. we'll listen.

If you work as a cashier at a fast food place, you will not be close enough to grease for it to affect your acne. That being said, acne flare ups aren't exactly the best reason not to work in fast food. Acne sucks (believe me, I know), but it's not a good enough reason to avoid that job. Now if you were deathly allergic to grease...that would make more sense.

As for the spending habits, that is something you need to work on then, preferably with a therapist. I can also relate to having bad spending habits...but frankly, it seems like you're giving various excuses as to why you can't succeed. Why are you holding yourself back?

You can, but you won't.

((((((((Artchic))))))))

I can't get to a therapist. No one will take me and like I said, I can't use public transportation because it doesn't exist in my area.

Ah...the whole "you're giving nothing but excuses" shtick. I knew that was inevitably going to arise. I'm tired of people throwing that in my face. They are reasons not excuses. Get that straight.

I have severe dermatillomania. Working fast food isn't a good idea when one's always picking at their face. Working near grease will only worsen that.

What does this even mean??

Well, it sounds like you're stuck where you are then, and unfortunately you are holding yourself back, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not.

I'm afraid after posting many replies to you, I have only received defensiveness. It seems like nobody's suggestions or ideas are even being considered by you...perhaps because you are not ready for change yet. I hope you are able to get over these hurdles in the future.

I understand that I'm a lost cause. Thanks for trying to help....

Nobody said you were a lost cause what they said was that you are your own biggest obstacle to changing how things are.

....

Well, what do you purpose, Nammu? I can't seek therapy because I can't get there. I can't get a job because I can't drive, and no public transportation. I can't save money because I'm a compulsive spender who has no self control and I can't get therapy to find said self control because of the aforementioned reasons.

I can't do this alone and no one will help me...it's what it all boils down to.

Artchic, you aren't a lost cause. What you are is depressed, and depression makes us think negatively and in a confused way. It is a struggle that many know all about, but the good news is you clearly know that is your problem because you are posting on a depression forum. Good for you, understanding the problem is key to fixing it.

I agree that your first step should be to concentrate on yourself. The right relationship would be great and you like everyone are worthy of love and intimacy but you can't expect someone to fix you. It seems like your family is pretty disfunctional, I agree it should be your aim to move out and get your independence but I know that seems hard right now, and I think a job would really help your esteem and options and a whole lot more. All that will come in time, fixing your depressed state of mind comes first.

So how do you do that? Well that's the question of this forum, and there is a lot of support on how to do it. As to which option will work for you, meds, herbal remedies, therapy, nutrition, exercise, a combination of some or all, I don't know. But start small, maybe go for a gentle jog and cook yourself a healthy meal, then look for a therapist that does online sessions. That might make you feel just a tiny bit better and more hopeful.

Good luck

Go to the bank and open up a savings account that you wouldn't be able to access from your bank card. Put money in there once a week, two weeks, month, whatever you can manage, and DON'T TOUCH IT. Poor self-control with spending is a problem many people struggle with, but it is an excuse, not a reason. Look up self-help books or websites to get a control of your spending problems. Take some initiative, do some work! You don't necessarily need someone to hold your hand along the way.

As for the dermatillomania, I have that as well. Let me repeat: If you work as a cashier at a fast food place, you will NOT be around the greasy areas much. And even if you were hired on as a cook, you are too busy to have any spare time to pick at your face. Trust me. And even if the job does make your acne worse, you have to decide what is more important: Having a clear face, or being the strong, independent woman that you claim to be by moving out of a toxic household and moving on with your life? It's 100% your choice, do not let these lackluster "reasons" get in the way.

There's always online therapy. I have heard some therapists do Skype, will talk on the phone with you. Some therapists might make house calls if you felt like it was something you wanted to look into.

I'm not sure how the subject of jobs and therapy came up, because I don't see it in the original post. Is this something that has been coming up for a while? (the loneliness, frustration, depression, etc) If so I understand ScaredandConfused and Nammu's suggestions. They are trying to help. This is what I'm noticing: "I can't." It sounds like you have barriers in your life and maybe start small with just one goal of your choosing. Also, it sounds like you are overwhelmed with depression, and the resistance you are experiencing could be part of that depression. One other thing. I hope you don't feel criticized by people trying to help when they say "only you can pull yourself out of your own mess." I learned about personal responsibility when I turned 30. A life coach recommended I read the first chapter in The Success Principles by Jack Canfield. It's (the first chapter) about personal responsibility. it changed my life, and not all at once.



Sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes we just need to throw ourselves down on our bed and cry and curl up under a blanket with some of our favorite music going, and tell people how much it sucks. That's ok.

One thing I've been learning though, is that people can't make me happy. Whether it's a friend, or a boyfriend. I mean, they can, and they do, but relationships are a balance. It is true that not everybody is the same, and I am personally guilty of overusing a friendship as my personal therapy because she was so giving until one time she was like, this is too much. We are still friends but I had to learn to pull back and find ways to take care of myself / regulate my emotions in other ways.

I would love to get out more, but its too much of a burden on my family to ask them to drive me everywhere. They all hate doing it. Also, like I said, public transit is non existent in my area and I can't constantly afford a cab.

So because of that, getting a job is out, as is doing things like hobbies and/or going to the bank to open a savings account. Besides, I already tried asking my mom to help me with a savings account and she declined. She said what I need is to stop spending the money I have.

I can't do this alone.....I can't.

There might be organizations that can give you rides.

There isn't any public transportation in Charlotte?

If love and affection is what you seek, the first people that you should ask is your family. I know in your case that you have tried and instead of getting what you deserved you are ignored instead. As a person I know that there are people that cares for you more than your family. Even I, have a friend or two to count on when I needed help.

I never said you have to do it alone. I'm not sure where you're getting that from in my entire post except possibly the last paragraph and I think you're misunderstanding. I also suggested ways of not doing it alone.

edit: sorry if that is harsh sounding in any way, artchic. I was pretty much frustrated with the fact that I wrote an entire post trying to help, and it seemed not to help at all. Thats my own issue. take care.