[desperado]

I am petrified. Anxiety is sky-high. I feel very depressed. No interest in things anymore. I feel stepped-on; crushed. Can't sleep @ night. Sleeping during day. Hate getting up. Sometimes, I can't get up. Not eating properly. Life is a mess. Wracked w/ terrible guilt & shame. Don't want anything to do w/ this world. I am experiencing another horrible depressive episode. I am falling into the abyss.....I can feel myself fall further & further, gradually, every day, & I try to reach out to stop myself.......but I can't. Please let it not escalate into smthg worse; I can't survive another horrible depression.

To make matters worse, I just found out that my Mom has cancer again. I asked her how I could help & she replied, "Just take care of yourself & stay healthy." I feel terrible saying this, but sometimes I can't even get myself out of bed for her......I want to, but I just can't. I just feel like laying down & dying. It's awful.

[finestitcher]

Desperado, I know where you are coming from. I call it my abyss...it is deep and very dark. Over time, for may own sanity, I did find ways of talking myself through and out of the abyss. It was never easy, but I knew I had to do it. I have clung by the tips of my finger from the edge. Over time I have become better and better at resisting the abyss.

I don't indulge there much anymore. I am tempted often, and will stand at the edge and think about how dark it is and how I could just drop in and disappear from myself and everyone else for a while, but it would not be a good thing and I know it. So, I don't indulge myself.

You can do it too!

You mom's reaction to here re-occurance of cancer is understandable...mom watching out for her kid...but she WILL NEED you once the emotion of it all sets in.

So, get out of bed and get ready to be there for your mom!!

[wickedwings]

(((((desperado))))) i so understand how you feel. it must feel overwhelming when you are feeling so bad and having your mom's situation to deal with. i can understand and relate.

[stefano]

I think that the disease of your mother could well be the event triggering this depressive episode. If that is the case, it may make a sense to you. Think about it.
You don't talk about treatment, are you getting any? You should.

[Soidhonia]

(((DESPERADO))). I am sorry for your suffering at this time regarding your mother and your own issues as well. I hope that you will contact your therapist (if you have one) to help you through the depression that you are going through at this time. Take care of yourself. Best wishes for you and your mother during your times of need. Soidhonia

[desperado]

Thank you finestitcher, ww, stefano & Soidhona, for your support.

I am on meds, but I need therapy. I was ill & missed my apt w/ my pdoc & 1st appt w/ a therapist last week....I rebooked an appt w/ my pdoc for late Sept -- that was the earliest. I think I need my meds adjusted.

I have a few triggers of stressful (personal) events that happened to me this summer. They really had a huge impact on my self-esteem (negative). I don't know how to increase my s-e. I've tried doing sports, which is what I know & what I am actually decent @, but it really hasn't helped. I feel so lost, depressed & helpless. And blah.

I'm trying my best to be there for my Mom. I got my arse out of bed today which was the hardest thing -- and went and saw her. I will keep trying for her, but I can feel myself slipping badly. It's truly terrifying.

[finestitcher]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
[b]I got my arse out of bed today which was the hardest thing -- and went and saw her. I will keep trying for her, but I can feel myself slipping badly. It's truly terrifying.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I know that getting out of bed daily can be very hard work...I know the terrifying feeling...you can do it, just as you did today. I have a focus in my life that keeps me grounded to planet earth, especially on those occasions when I am at the "end of my rope" and just want to jump off planet earth all together...your mom can become your focus that helps to keep you grounded.

My grandchildren.

I can only begin to imagine what it would be like for their parents to have to tell them I am not with them anymore.

If you can find a focus for you life and for getting out of bed each day, it may help.

When you feel that slipping coming on, as you have this week, get your arse back in here and tell us how you FEEL and what is causing those feelings.

I wish for you a great therapy session when the date gets here! Your self esteem can be recovered with good, excellent therapy and meds don't hurt either.

[chalmette70043]

(((((((((desperado)))))))))))))

sending good thoughts your way.



love ya my friend,
chalmette

[Etheria]

Desperado - Well, you got yourself out of bed and went to see your mom - that was a victory. I felt all of your words in your post yesterday. I have been there too - even used some of the same words and phrases to describe it. Remember that what you are experiencing is the product of depression and your brain doing funky things. I wish your therapy appointment was sooner. Keep coming back here at least and "talk it out." You don't have to go through this alone. I'm pulling for you. Many blessings, Etheria

Desperado.

My thoughts and prayers are going out to you and your mom. Like Step, said I hope you are seeking out someone to talk to, if you don't have one already. We are here for you, keep writting and take care of yourself..

Tucker

(((((((((Desperado)))))))))))))) I'm sending out prayers for you and your Mom. I'm so sorry for the terrible news and I hope you find the stregnth to get through this.

[finestitcher]

desperado, checking in. How are things going today? Still getting out of bed?

[desperado]

Thanks finestitcher, chalm, Etheria, Pickle & Tucker for your support. I really appreciate it b/c I am so weak @ this pt in time.

I did get out of bed Thurs, Fri & yest. Late, late Thurs night I cabbed it to the hospital ER. I was in there for hours & almost left, but I finally saw the crisis nurse & dr. They upped my anti-dep. For me, I know that that's not the total solution, but my anti-dep seems to help me help myself, which leads to improvement.

I will try to post more about what's been happening in my life to cause another depressive episode.

God, it's so hard to get up. It takes all of my will & strength. I just want to hibernate away from all of my problems & everyone.

Thanks again for your kind support, everyone.

Des

[desperado]

Hello Tucker,

Sorry to go off-topic here, but I wanted to comment on your quote.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind..............

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Funny, a good friend of mine whom I hadn't seen in a long time told me this quote ~ a month ago. I liked it so much that I wrote it down. Apparently, Dr. Suess said it.

D

[finestitcher]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
desperado said:God, it's so hard to get up. It takes all of my will & strength. I just want to hibernate away from all of my problems & everyone.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Des, you are doing better than you give yourself credit for...you were proactive with ER visit, you waited and didn't leave and you are having positive thoughts about getting better. These are paramount thoughts!

Keep holding on, even if it is with your fingertips. I know it is mighty hard, but you CAN DO THIS. You can find even ground once again. I did, and continue to do so, it IS possible!


((((((((((hugs to ya)))))))))

[finestitcher]

Oh yes, and Dr. Seuss made that quote...and it IS SO TRUE!!

I collect quotes, just not sure I can use them in this board.

Carolyn

[cajun]

PM me Desy, we need to talk.

Desperardo,

I will make changes tomorrow. Don't want to playgerize anyone..

TKS, for brinking it ot my antention.. t/c Tucker.........

Would not want to plegerazaie anyone............