Why I'm depressed

Well, I've been feeling depressed from what seems like just a bunch of environmental reasons. I have to deal with yet another bully and I'm trying to balance work, school work, finishing a dissertation, and a job search, along with everything else...and I also feel guilty I'm not working more hours. I must look lazy and entitled. I have trouble sleeping because I'm too exhausted to get up the next morning and I just feel lazier. I'm having trouble eating because I've usually not done enough to earn food yet.

I had more detail in the checking in thread, so I decided to repost those posts for clarity...

to me you seem all over the place ... but that's ok ... you say your depressed ... that is serious ... it seems to me the first goal is listing what change is the most important to you ... list one thing ... persue that one thing ... maybe social skills ... maybe self confidence ... what ever you need to get moving foward ... tackle that headon ... guess what ... you may fail completely ... and what does that teach us ... we just need to try again maybe from a different angle ... you see humans have this problem ... we are not perfect ... not a one of us ... and we screw up a lot ... and we are all different .... find a path for yourself ... just open one door ...and I bet more will open ... that first step is the hardest ... but well worth the work .... Tigger.

I am all over the place...that's why it's hard to post anything. I've wanted to start a thread for weeks now.

Self-confidence would be a good thing to start with, but I feel like I need to be away from bullies and be in a positive, supportive environment to do that. I'm not sure where to find that.

And since my last therapist further eroded my trust in therapists, I'm not sure therapy is the answer. I'm not strong enough to defend myself against them. I feel therapists don't understand my situation at all and just suggest things that further harm me and lower my self esteem.

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now.

Have you come across Compasionate Mind?

It is a way of using mindfulness type exercises to build self compassion (sounds weedy and strange to some people, but some of us haven't learned how to soothe ourselves and help ourselves feel more as if we would have felt if we had had nurturing and compassion from others.

It is a way of finding wellbeing through "self compassion" when circumstances make it hard to feel wellbeing through self esteem. And to recharge and recover from the drain of living in threat mode or drive.
There is research to support the theory and it's a bit complicated to describe in a post, but something you said made me just think of it.

Most of the exercises and material is free to access as Paul Gilbert, a psychologist who has studied it in detail wants as many as possible to benefit.

There are quite a few videos on utube which may be more accessible, but this link could be a start.

The Compassionate Mind Foundation

Just an idea, I have done a course to start to learn how to use it and have felt a benefit.
Good luck

I was raised like this exactly. My dad convinced me that education and money are the most important things in life, and that people are out there to get me, so I developed my personality around these beliefs.

Social skills are more desirable than technical/professional skills in all domains of life. This is because most people are sociable and thrive on social interactions.

I'm in the same boat, so, I don't really have a useful advice for you, except to focus on your dissertation for now.

@Fizzyo

That does sound like it could be useful. Is that therapy only available in the UK though? I've never heard of it (I'm in the US).

Upon further research, there's a US version of the Foundation, but there may not be any therapists in the current area I live who specialize in it.

For what it's worth, I do have at least one way to soothe myself. It tends to cause me shame though because it could be seen as abnormal or immature.

@Mr. Stranger
It's not like either of my parents really had social skills I could emulate either. We all kept to ourselves and our extended family (until my grandparents died and then I was separated from the extended family). I never really connected with my mother the way I was supposed to, but she had JUST lost a child when she became pregnant with me and I don't think she had the emotional support she needed going through all of that. She might have been pretty depressed when I was a baby. I know I probably would have been.

And my dad was not that nice. He hated people. He made that very clear. He also was a misogynist which was very difficult for me and it may have influenced my gender identity. They had lost my brother and my mom was unable to have any more children so they were stuck with a biological female child. I think I developed a lot of traditionally male personality traits (or maybe I really was born with them?) and interests in order to try to be a son. I don't see how I could have self-esteem when my biological sex is apparently inferior. Especially when we were routinely equated to animals.

But I may be getting way off topic, so I'll stop for now.

You site very valid reasons for being stressed and sad. It's a great accomplishment to be getting your doctorate. Be kind to yourself.

Mate I understand you, you are overloaded with all that stuff and at the same time depression is in there. I am trying everyday my best. I take Effexor every day to manage and a chocolate in the morning. I need to do exercise .-as well, mate sometimes I feel I just wan t to jump and end it all.

I'm sorry life has been so hard for you I don't really have any advice.. just know we're here

Group hug mate you are not alone

Hi,
You said you feel guilty as you did not do a job search, along with everything else and because you are not working more hours and that you must look lazy and entitled.
Why you said that? You don't need to answer if you don't want

To me, a great accomplishment would be getting a job that pays enough to live comfortably. A doctorate is unfortunately just a piece of paper. And maybe it's just because I've been surrounded by people with graduate degrees, but it seems like anyone who wants one can get one anymore, so it doesn't seem as special as it should be.

I think you misunderstood me (or I miswrote?). I feel like I look lazy and entitled because I'm only working 10-15 hours usually while looking for and applying to jobs if I can find them, along with finishing my dissertation, taking more classes, going to rehearsals and playing gigs. I mean, on paper it doesn't look like enough. I'd like to work more, but it seems that I don't get much if any work done if I work, say, 30 hours. I've done a couple of musicals and tech week is about 30 hours or so. I just barely survive schoolwork during that week.

I think all in all, I'm in an environment that's not healthy for me. I don't feel comfortable being myself in real life, which makes interacting with other people difficult. Do I take a risk and let the mask slip? Is it ok to have a different opinion? I'm pretty sure just about whenever I have a conversation with someone on campus, I'm accidentally saying something wrong or something that makes me look bad, or something that will turn into gossip. People just see me as extremely shy. I just don't know what the right things to say are and it's isolating.

I'm deeply ashamed about everything that's different about me and it prevents me from even pursuing friendships. I mean, you can't develop a close friendship if you can't go beyond a superficial level. I have tried, but I've gotten invalidated.

I almost made a friend when I first moved here years ago, but unfortunately, I thought I maybe had feelings for him and he made sure I knew that he thought I was creepy. That just sort of ruined everything. I've made some temporary friends off campus in the past (although not so much in the last three years), but I really want to be able to open up to peers, the people I have the most in common with.

I was just asking because I thought you were trying to respond to very high demands that are in your mind but that were introjected. I mean, parents, society sometimes inject too many demands and we get depressed if we do not fulfill them

I don't know where the demands come from, but it's probably from inside. I never feel like I'm doing enough and that others will see me as far inferior to them.

However, almost all that comes from "inside" once was "outside". We come to this world full of basic emotions although much of the of the "mind content" that is "storaged" inside us has been learned, transmitted to us, or whatever. It did not come with us at birth
Perhaps it is important for us to trace the origins of these ideas so we can relativize them. These ideas are sub consciously pushing us all the time. Once we bring them to the surface, i mean to conscious state, perhaps it is easy to manage them. It could be liberating

Sorry, this is the way I analyze things for me, but it may not work for you. My real question (to me) is do I really want to push myself indefinitely or the thing it is that I "have to"? If I have to, why is it? Do I really believe in this value despite it is destroying me? Maybe I will always hear that voice inside "you have to be/do better, you have to be/do better". But that doesn't me I have to listen to it

Another thing that's distressing me is hard to explain...I'm supposed to present the bulk of my dissertation (which is creative work) or at least something in order to graduate, but other than what I've been working on for my dissertation, I don't have a lot else. And I can't get the people to really do any of it as it all requires a lot of collaboration and not enough people are available.

I'm being set up to look like the biggest loser on the planet. I don't know where to go for more help. I'm even paying for all of this out of my own pocket because there is no departmental support. We're just to hope people will do it for free or pay for their time ourselves.

I thought people had a thesis director or something like that. I don't know the system in your country but you are right, it is not a good situation

Oh, I have an advisor (I'm pretty sure that's the equivalent). He offers me a little help, but it hadn't helped me much in the past. I guess beggars can't be choosers.

The only one that seemed willing to really help is someone I don't really get along with so I'm not even sure how to approach him.

The same here. Some thesis directors are a pain in the neck. Hope it works with this other one