Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

wow

a "very good day" would be something i'd like

feels so long I can't actually remember what it feels like

I am happy today because their is a storm outside.

(I really don't know what it is with me and bad weather, but it makes life feel nicer)

Bored but don't have any energy to do anything about it. I don't know if it's the Lexapro or the depression. Only know I'm spending most of the time on the couch watching .

Just had another bad day. I am very prone to believe whatever someone thinks about me.
I am devoided of a strong opinion about who I am, I need other people to tell me who I am and I easily believe when they say bad things about me rater than when they say good things about me.
Today I came from the hospital thinking I should never had becoming a doctor. I came home believing I am going to be a bad lazy doctor because someone set unrealistic expectations about me at my very first year. And based in the way I behaved with someone that made me feel very unwelcomed and unconfortable. I had to hear a lecture, deal with it by agreing with every unpleasent thing that was being sad about me, making a fool of my self and thanking that person for telling me what I could change.
My sister helped me see this situation more reasonably. Still I am in the process of believing the reason and believing that my future won't be doomed because I haven't clicked with this person personality and she thinks she owns the truth and she most say it to me. I fear that by saying I am good enough I am lying to myself.

For me, a real good day does not happen very often. When a real good day happens, it's just unbelievable for me. I feel like I don't deserve it. I've gotten a lot of surprises that blind-side me and they are not pleasant. Bad days are painful for me, but when I have them, it makes me feel that I'm alive. I know that sounds weird. I am hard on myself; and I can forget the great things I've accomplished while believing a remark when someone puts me down.

Sure enough, after Tuesday, the days have not been as good. But not bad either. Today I got snarled at work because I didn't do something that I should have done. It ruined my day.

As far as feeling good with a storm (from another post), I feel very much the same way. Where I live, we have had a lot of rain. It's an area where it does not get much rain. I was very happy when it was raining. And I get depressed a whole lot when spring and summer comes when it's sunny everyday.

Did pretty good this morning, but feel like napping now. Maybe that would be okay.

I'm doing okay today I just don't seem to have much energy. Trying not to give into defeatist thoughts.

As depressed as I am, I'm excited to see my pdoc tomorrow. My life is going so much better than the last time I saw him, and I still want to die. I think I'll finally be able to convince him that my depression is NOT situational.

Got to do more tomorrow.

Depression is still there. Lately I feel like sleeping throughout the day. I have problems in doing much housework. Feeling disappointed with myself. Dont know when I'll get back to my previous happy self.

Not doing well!

I don't want to do anything other than cry.

feeling pretty good today.

someone I don't like is moving away from our area, so it's soooo exciting (at least for me, we never got on)

feeling gross, as I had a shower this afternoon and I hate the things

but feeling pretty good. just under an hour before ant and dec start their new series, and i've never missed this show in 13 years, certainly not going to start now!

...Wow, I didn't realize how many of the things I do were out of habit rather than having any actual feeling behind them. Like hugging, I honestly don't have a need to get one nor give one (I guess I grew up with too many of them?), but apparently either most people don't see the difference at all or even as an 11 year old, I was that good of a faker. I should keep myself from being filtered like that again.

After spending most of the day on the couch I finally got up and cooked dinner. I've been going to cook for days now and finally did it. I feel guilty for not doing it sooner but just couldn't get up the energy.

Very busy day today. No time spent with anyone today. I was hoping that my friend would come and visit me. He didn't make it. I couldn't come and visit him because I was too bogged down. Besides, I never liked going to his place anyways. Feeling very down and alone now.

Feeling very low today. I did the dishes, though. That should be something positive, I guess.

I sleep too much. I am tired, but it's from lack of exercise. But the feeling tired is very real. I am tired.

I keep wanting to make a thread but I can't organize all my thoughts well enough to do so...I feel very depressed and have dangerously low self esteem/confidence due to dealing with being bullied, pushed around, and used and realizing that I'm such a loser with talents and skills that are rendered useless because I'm shy and have no social skills/emotional intelligence. This means I'm destined to fail no matter what. And I can never develop friendships...I just don't know what to talk about with most people. I'm too ashamed of my interests and core identity. I'm struggling to come up with a new identity I can pretend to be in public. I can't lie, so I can only hide.

But I'm so lonely and have no future at this point.

I made it through the anniversaries alone, and now, today starts a new week. I hope it goes well.

Set my alarm to get up for church today and slept right through it. Did not want to get out of bed as usual. My roommates have been out all weekend, which is fine with me. I go a lot of cleaning done yesterday and the day before. The kitchen and bathroom mainly. No one going to do it if I don't. Wish I could crawl back into my hole. I miss my pup so much.

I am unhappy coz of my persisting depression and coz I am not able to lead my life like a normal person and do all the things that I would like to do in my life.

You sound just like me. I personally feel the very same way. You're not a loser. You have so much going for you. That's what people say about me (about how I have so much going for me), but I don't feel that way. I read in a book somewhere that there are certain personalities that have so much going for them; but yet they can't see how good they really are.

You sound like a nice person to me. It seems like nice people get the shaft so many times; and that's unfortunate.

My computer at home is in the shop again. It's old. I feel like I can only afford to repair it instead of getting a new one. It's another unexpected financial set back for me that I can't afford. Also, I feel so dumb when, last Saturday, I went to get my car washed and it rained shortly afterwards. I paid $7 for it.

It was an OK weekend. I have to be thankful for it, even though it was dull, but nothing bad happened. I got talking to a couple of my friends by phone.
Also my sister called, but I missed her. I would have wanted to talk to her.