Trying to find the light

So I’ve had issues with my mental health since I was a child of about 11 or so. I was hospitalized because of it twice as a preteen/ teenager. It hasn’t reached that point where I’ve needed to be locked away but I fear I may be hitting my limit. I am currently 30 and recently got out of my long term relationship with my boyfriend. We had been together for about 8 months, living together for about 5 of them. Things were not going well and we were both too stressed out because of various life problems. My declining mental health really did not help matters much. It’s been 2 weeks since I had to move back in with my parents and honestly I don’t see things getting any better if I continue to live my life the way I’ve been without making significant changes. Mainly finding a better job, one that I don’t despise going to and trying to manage my anxiety and stress so that it doesn’t ruin the remaining relationships that I have left.
The problem is figuring out what I should do while trying not to succumb to my inner demons of self-loathing and doubt that seem to be persistent despite everything that I try to distract myself. I know that I don’t want to stay here with my parents any longer than I have to and I try my best to be active and away from here but, it just doesn’t seem like I can ever really do enough. I know I’m just a huge disappointment and a failure as an adult because I’m back at home with them.
I'm just so tired of always feeling like i'm stumbling around in the dark all the time.

Hi Qubleley005,

I see you're fairly new here. Welcome to PC.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling so much. It takes a lot of courage to live with long term mental health problems like yours.

I'm sorry your relationship didn't work too. It sounds like you're really hard on yourself about it. Remember if you can, it takes two people both making a lot of effort to make a relationship work, especially if one or both people have mental health problems.
Therefore it is not YOUR fault it didn't work out. Life is tricky when two human beings get together.

I know that doesn't help the terrible pain of breaking up, but I hope you can find some way to BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Your really do deserve it and you will heal better if you are.

I hope you find the care and support here that I have. We're here for each other.



Ps

do you have any perfessional help ... do you have a pdoc or a gp your seeing ... do they have any groups you could visit in your area ... any friends you could confide in ... it seems to me your all over the place ... we all need stability ... now that your home it might be a good time to pull back a little and take stock of what is really happening ... to reduce the "distractions" swirling around and try to center yourself ... I have a 26 year old son who if was struggling I would welcome home ... so don't worry about being a burden ... just take this time for you ... find the real you in there ... no reason to self loath or doubt yourself ... your not a failure as an adult ... you are you ... don't compare yourself with anyone else ... be yourself ... be comfortable in your skin ... when you find that center ... then you may find the rest will start getting easier ... just don't be so hard on yourself ... finding your path in this world is a process ... some spend there whole life finding it ... so take a deep breath ... love yourself ... forgive yourself ... be yourself ... Tigger.

I do, or rather I did. I was seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety but I haven’t been in to see her in about a month. My life was pretty stable with the exception of my relationship problems and she was sort of dropping hints that she didn’t want to see me anymore couple that with $95 a session that I was paying out of pocket because she didn’t take my insurance and well, I decided that I’d take a chance and stop seeing her.
As far as medications go I’m currently taking burropion sr and xananx for my panic attacks. I don’t have a psych doctor so I get my meds from my pcp. Not sure if the burropion is helping or if I need to take a higher dosage. The xanax is great for if I’m feeling like I’m about to panic and freak out but, I’m trying to not depend on that as much because I’ve had some side effects from it and I’m worried about getting hooked.
I don’t really have any friends I can reach out to, mainly because I’m sure everyone is sick of me complaining and they’re probably busy with their own problems.
Thank you for taking the time to post. Today I’m feeling a bit more normal, then again I seem to be at my lowest on the weekends when I should be relaxing and enjoying life. =)

same here ... I work full time and am tired everyday but on the weekends I bottom out because I am not so distracted .... idle hands really are my undoing .... I just never feel like I have enough energy to be out and about ... glad today is better ... Tigger.

I know what you mean. It's hard to go outside and do things especially after work. Which is usually why I do my errands first before going home since i know i'm not going to want to go out once i get home.