[SgtRock]

Here I go again. Was doing semi-ok for awhile. Now, last 10 minutes, just like someone hit me in the face. The tears just started welling up.

Fugg me. How damn long will the run last? Hours? A day? Week? Month?

Oh the fugging beauty of having no support. Don't see the therapist until Friday. No chance of getting in sooner.

Was hoping that the music would help. It hasn't. As I thought, that coping mechanism doesn't work anymore. I'd say eff it and go for a drive, can't do that either, no car. Thanks for NOTHING Phyllis. Biatch. Wish I would've left that worthless piece of skin you call a son homeless in Seattle. I drove over there twice after that pos. And he pulled that crap, and I lost my car as a result. And not even once did he say that he was sorry. Not one damn word did he say to me. Nothing.

Then wonder why I'm an effing mess. Wonder why I was so damn bad that for months the ideation was so bad. The thought of 'doing it' crossed my mind hundreds of times a day. That I was crying so damn bad that I could hardly breath. I didn't sleep for weeks at a time. I came the closest in 20yrs to killing myself. The ONLY thing that stopped me was my mom. Because I knew that if I did, it would kill her. And that I won't do. So, I'm fine as long as she's on this earth. When she's gone....... I can't promise anything.

I have to go out today and hope that I can hold it together. I mentally scream at myself "eat it!". Meaning to swallow my feelings, not show emotion. I can let it out when I get home.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are hurting so bad. I know about spiraling because I'm doing it too. It's worst feeling, knowing you can't stop it. Hang on until you see your therapist. Maybe he can help you sort things out. Good luck to you.

[Skeezyks]

[northbelle]

((Sgt Rock))))
Kids these days I swear...Don't feel like the lone ranger..I got no car either and ride the bus..I ran my car out of oil like a real idiot and seized the motor.
I'm so glad that you can come here and get support. I need to be here more often than on social media that only depresses me..
Glad you got your mama. I don't act on dying because of my son..
I'm here for support..the best I can anyway..although I'm probably not a well of positivity. I know what its like to spiral.

[SgtRock]

Well, I can't really talk to my mom. Because it drags her down. She lives 400 miles away and there's nothing she can do. It's not like we live in the same town and she could jump in her car and could come visit me.

Speaking of the bus. I just got home. If I still had a car, my trip today would've been about 3hrs. Not damn near 8. And now I'm damn well sore. Had to climb a bunch of snow berms. A bus stop that used to be there, is no longer there. I had to hike around to find the new one.

The field that I hike through, the city decided to dump all the snow they've been plowing in. Gee, thanks. I had to walk in the street. Damn good way to get my *** run over. People here drive like idiots. I didn't get to do all that I wanted to. Missed the Dollar Store and wanted to hit a mattress store out in the valley. That's going to be another day pass, $3.50. Yeah, the bus is cheaper. Bull, not for me.

Every time I crawl on the bus, my mood drops. Some days are far worse than others. I did manage to keep it together while I was out.

[northbelle]

good for you for having the guts to DO IT. they bus always reinforces my "fall from grace" as well. But I think the truth is we are some strong a## people.
I froze out there today too at the food bank..really thought my feet where frostbit. Felt so good to finally get HOME...I made it and its not easy.
My hats off to you fellow traveler

[SgtRock]

Last night wasn't fun. Not at all. Ended up crying myself to sleep. When I woke up, my face was actually glued to the pillow. This morning doesn't feel much better.

I want OUT of this sheethole city!!!!!!! Not now, last effing year!!!!!!!!!!! I can't get out. I'm stuck. Can't go west, that would put me 700 miles from my mom, not going to do that. Hard enough to get over there now. Can't go east (hometown, different state), because the hurdles are immense and would take a minimum of 2yrs if not more. And, I don't know what that place is like now. When I moved away in 1985, it was the most progressive city in the state. Today it could be as big of a sheethole as this city is.

If it's a sheethole, I'd be just as miserable there as I am here. And without a car, I'd still be up the creek without a paddle.

[Justbyou]

Hi SgtRock – I’m sorry you are feeling like you are spiraling downward. I’ve been there and know how hard it is and how much it hurts. Wish I had some answers for you or something to make you feel better.

Glad to see you keep coming back here for support!! Hopefully that is helping a bit.

[LadyShadow]

Just write it all down. Write write, write, and then write some more. Come here post, let it all out, we are here for you.

I am sorry things have been sheeted up. I know you are like "Frack this!!!" (Love BattleStar Galactica for that by the way), but you can get through it. Just another minute, another hour, another day.

*Hugs*

[SgtRock]

Woke up in tears. Damn. Yesterday was actually the first decent day I've had in quite a while. Now today.

That feeling hits right behind the sinuses. I get a burning sensation both in the upper nasal cavity and then my eyes. Meaning that I want to break down. Most of the time, i refuse to. Because I don't feel any better afterwards. And all I end up with is clogged sinuses for hours.

Yesterday the music was enjoyable. Today it's basically nothing. So it's a day of mindless drivel on TV. Can't watch a movie at this point. Only make about a half hour in and I lose interest, then just shut it off. I'm talking about movie subjects that do hold my interest. Like ex. James Bond, Star Trek. Just lose interest and shut them off.

My life is blah. Everything is blah. I am blah. Actually, I'm worse than blah. My grandmother had it right. She called it correct with what she called me when I was 6. A worthless c0kksµkker. Who knew that you could see 50yrs into the future gramma? You should've sold that talent. Could've been rich.

It's the end of the world as we know it. And I don't feel fine. I want to walk off the end of the world. I'm almost rock bottom and don't know how damn many more times i can hit bottom. I've lost count on how many times I've don't it already. One of these times I won't bounce back. I'll shatter.

[JustJace2u]

Sending you hugs.

[SgtRock]

Well, I guess that does it. Suck it up. Therapist is tired of hearing about my situation with the loss of my car.

Yeah. Fuqq me. Better than half my damn life gone. Can't get anywhere, do anything and just fuqqing suck it up. Eat me biatch. I really don't feel like going back. Just dump therapy.

Been feeling like checking out anyway. Now's just a good time as any other. Sick of life.

[Nammu]

a car is no longer a luxury in America, it's a necessary appendage.it most definitely contribute to depression.

[SgtRock]

I have to decide by Friday whether to cancel my next appointment or not. Right now I don't care if I ever go back.

Yeah, don't talk about the reason that brought me to therapy. I was limping along before losing my car. Not doing super good, but i was doing a lot better than I am now.

So, let's just ignore the real issue. Yeah, that's the fuqqing ticket. You bet.

Almost at oblivion. Do I go sweet or do I go sour? Either one will wind up the same way. They'd find me in a month, bloated.

[SgtRock]

Another day in paradise. NOT. Within 20 minutes of waking up, mood went right in the toilet. I can tell that the rest of the day is going to be the same. Tears flowing off and on all damn day.

Sick of this shite.

Don't see the pdoc until next Tuesday and I'm asking him to up the Cymbalta from 60mg to 90. Hopefully that helps. I'm a hair's breadth from rock bottom and the ideation has been sneaking back in. One time it's going to win.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you feel this way.

[*Laurie*]

Hi, I'm also sorry you're having such a hard time right now. Mental illness is a traumatic event with environmental triggers. Not having a car is very, very difficult. I do hope that raising your med dose helps with your depression.

[Fuzzybear]

[SgtRock]

Huh, wonder how accurate PC's 'tests' are?

Results of your
Depression Quiz

You scored a total of 81

Do you have depression? Find Out by Taking Our Depression Test

[Big Mama]

Ouch, an 81. That is tough. I scored lower then you but still in the "seek help immidiately" section. Guess you are not the only one fighting that battle. Keep coming here and keep talking to us. Come to chat, search the forums, maybe even try depression chat what ever night that is. We are all in this battle called life togehter. Lets work togehter and get threw it together. There are so many mice people here who have been where you are and understand exactly what you are feeling.

I hope this site gives you the new start in life that it did me. I came here every day for years and bit@hed about my situation. But eventually it got easier to deal with. I attribute that to my great friends here. I hope in a year from now you can say the same thing.

[SgtRock]

nothing. that's what i have and that is who i am. it's all gone.

[Nammu]

[SgtRock]

damn it, i'm trying. really i am. but this fuqqing roller coaster ride has become a nightmare. up, down, up, down. i just want to puke. i need someone REAL to hold me. yeah, fat fuqqing chance of that happing in this lifetime. it's not going to. i already know it. somebody on another forum had the balls to say that i had frieds. i damn near told him to shove it up his azz.

i don't mean hold in a sexual way. just in a way that makes me feel that i'm stll alive and that i matter. ive not been touched by another human in 20years. am i dead? i feal like it. brain isn't working at all. i can see that i'm at rock bottom when i can't spell and i don't care. and i thot 2006 waz bad. compared, not close. i'd rather repete 6 again. a dozen times over xmas 15 to today.

least then i still had a couple friends. none now. t says move on. get ove the fuqqing car. sorry jeanne, i'm tring. but it's not workong jut not. my damn swings are worse now than theyve ever been. and deeper to. the ideation that was so bad that got me to get back for help this time left and is now back. it's building. only a dozen or so times a day not a hundred plus like in the begining of this fuking mess.

i hope the orange one lobs a couple nukes and the first on hits spokane dead center. poof. i'm gone don't crfy for me argentina cause theres nothing to cry for.

for every hour i feel ok it's to hors oof feling like death warmed over. and so much for the med to help me sleep. maybe a dam pint of whisky wil do better. eat two candy bars and down a pint.

and jeanne says move past the car. yeah right you effing --nt. my life was in that car. i can't do anything without it. i want to see you go witout yors. you ride the fking bus. for everything. hope you live on a looprout. so you can sit your fat *** hone on sunday. and every holiday. or clime a mile of snow berms to get to another fking bus. fuking btch. will you geit it in your pea sized brain that i cant get past the car? i'm trying and it's not working. i have no freedom i have become a shutin. i go out less now than i have since steve and i split in 01. cause i can't fking get anywhere. cant check out pflag cant check meetup groups because no damn bus goes there. do i walk miles over snowberms with my **** knees? sorry, can't be done. so ill cry myself to sleep again and spend another day with moodswings with tears off/on. by the time i see you next monday i should be a blubbering assed mess.

[emwell]

I enjoy chatting with you.
The Brownies are in the Oven.

[SgtRock]

omfg. cycling again. now the ptsd is poking its fuqqing ugly nose out. damn you grandma. no damn small wonder why i never cried at your funeral. becasue i grew in the final years to fuqqing despise you. thank you for the ptsd. thank you for the beatings every morning. and thank you for teaching me that i was a worthless c0ck$ucker. guess what biatch? i'm worthless. you were right. hope that makes you happy. i hope you're burning in hell if there is one. the wheels have fallen off again. i'm cycling again. flatline and down. sick of it. don't know how much longer i can take it. if i still had a car (fuq you greg geving), i would jump in with cds and make the run to missoula. i'd rent a cheap motel room. and spend several hours in greenough. the ONLY damn nature place that i have ever found that is a coping mechanism. but that's out. i no longer have a car. i hope you're mother died in the hospital asswipe. because between the two of you, you destroyed my life. you caused a year plus of a MAJOR depressive episode. and the ideation is worse than it's ever been. all because of you. because the prick son would not do what he should have. shelia was not my family. it wasn't my job to drive 15 miles out to the valley to get her. then after dark take her home. you damn well knew that i have night blindness. that caused the stress which caused the seizure that caused the wreck. and i totaled my car. now it's gone. my freedom and independence are gone with it. i almost killed myself at least a dozen times over it before i reached out for help. and i'm still not able to deal with the loss to the car. hope you people are happy. i will nver be happy again. because i will never be able to replace that car. ever.