Out of willpower

It's week something or other
It's month.. ?
The years are endless
Every minute takes a decade.
My thoughts, are not my own, but they are. It's all mine. Trapped.

Existing, survival and pain seem to have been all that was left.

I can't live like this, but I can't die like this.

What happens when you stop holding on, and let yourself fall.

In the end it'll hurt less, surely.

I have no sense of time other that being aware it apparently passes, and all my memories are like pictures scattered-and-splattered throughout a large box with no chronological order. To try to avoid the unpleasant ones, I only glance in there carefully and then still do not linger too long even on the more-pleasant ones lest the reality of their never being repeated might grow into sadness. I do not let myself fall into the box, however. Instead, I sit here hoping others might help me a bit even as I also try to help others not linger too long at the box before the day comes when someone else closes the lid.

I can relate so much...

I can relate too

I don't know how, but I'm still here.

This day seems to never end. I've still not slept properly, and my mind feels like an overstretched balloon about to burst.

Every second that passes is like watching another grain of sand fall from my reality into the abyss.

Sleep, is not coming. When it did earlier today, I had already gone back to work, then spent four hours asleep in a room on the top floor. My eyes are hurting, my mind feels like a sponge that has dried out. My mental energy is somewhere in the negative area, and to top it all off, i have the reminders all over me from yesterday.

I still can't ground myself, and it truly feels like I've lost control.

It's scary that it's almost calming.

I slept for a few hours last night. I woke up this morning covered in sweat and had some of the most scary nightmares I've had in years.
I forgot how much my dreams had the ability to shake me up.
In my dream I was stuck under a tree, fighting to get out as the pressure on my chest got heavier and heavier..

I'm done. I've realised there is no hope, there is no plan, there is no way to fix what I'm feeling. It feels like I can't breathe anymore.
I don't have a way out of this.
Throw me in the bin with everything else thats unwanted and unneeded. It's where I've always belonged anyway, it should have happened a long time ago.
It's okay, I already know that in the end, i never mattered.

I think it is good that you are telling us how bad things are...
is there anything that is helping you right now...

I'm worried about you. You do matter. I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. Do you have a doc or therapist that you could call? Is there anything no matter how small that helps you?

Out of selfishness, I ask you to stay. You're a good person who matters here and to me.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain.

I'm sorry life is being so hard for you.. Please, stay. It can get better.. even if you don't believe it will.

I'm still here.

I don't want to be, but I am. I'm not convinced it's good to be honest with how I'm feeling, it's a scary part of my brain.

I can't get these thoughts out of my head.

Please.... somebody, anyone, make this stop... I don't understand what I did wrong.. please take it away from me, I can't stand the pain.

Why has it all come back.. Why do I have to relive all of the memories over and over again.. tearing my mind to pieces in the process.. I'm turning into a shell of what I was..

I hate who I am and what I've become. I deserve the pain. I am not, and was never good enough.

You did nothing to cause these memories to be memories in the first place. Nothing. Not a damn thing.

You know I understand what you're talking about with memories taking over and destroying everything in their path. It's a beast like none before it. And you've talked to about fighting for control to manage these memories. Like you also said, you can't make these things go away, but maybe -- in my own words -- we can make these recollections our ****** instead. Maybe no one understands fully, the event(s) you were put through. I do understand the symptoms and the ****ing hell from post-trauma. Anytime you need this crap off your chest, I'm here.

I have major issues with self defeating thought. I know it wasn't my fault, I know I didn't cause what happened, but I feel like I was responsible for it.

I feel responsible for still letting affect me, and so around I go in an endless loop of defeatism.

I know the issues, I know the problems... figuring out how to change it though seems impossible.

Its like grappling with an exact replica of yourself internally.. you get worn out, but the other you doesn't..

Thank you for your words.. I need to start speaking more and actually explaining what's going on in my head...

Still on the waiting list for a Therapist.. Somehow still taking my meds..

Still existing and surviving somehow

This week has been particularly bad I think because of the lack of sleep really hitting me hard, and when I do sleep it's not restful as they are full of darkness and terror.

Lack of sleep intensifies everything, definitely. The fact that you're still taking meds and everything is impressive to me. So, kudos on that.

I wish I had advice and how to stop the feelings that you do, when it comes to self defeating thoughts that you're responsible for the event(s) effects; I don't because I also struggle with this issue. It often overpowers me into believing that I will never be rid of these moments of hell. Even if I try. I'm there with you. Objectively speaking, PTSD doesn't make us weak, our brains are simply attempting to process things that can't be fully processed without help.

"Grappling with an exact replica of yourself" is a great metaphor for what it really feels like. Explanation is a great tool but only if you're ready for its use. It can also hurt its handler, though sometimes the hurt is worth the use.

The fact that you're still fighting beyond what's bearable; that's a strength few possess. Something to take pride it. Hey, maybe that pride can be used to help fight against the false shame that has been bestowed upon you.

The day I take pride in myself is the day I eat my hat. I won't, because I don't actually own a nice hat. I should get a hat. A nice one.
In all seriousness though, the depression is feeding off the ptsd, which feeds off the depression and so it continues..
I'm mostly on autopilot if I'm not having a breakdown. It's a horrible feeling, knowing that I go around my day without much conscious input for the decisions I make. It's scary. The others have been helping recently, and co-concious seems to be working well if a bit unstable at times.
My mood is flat today, I've not been feeling much at all, but I do fear the next wave. Each one seems to be getting longer and it's more difficult holding my breath for that long, without filling them with darkness and letting it take over completely.

This is terrifying, and I'm scared of myself.

And now I just sit in silence.... and now i just sit in silence.
Sometimes quiet is violent, I find it hard to hide it.
I'm forced to deal with what I feel, there is no distraction to mask what is real.

I'm being torn apart from the inside. It's clawing away inside me, desperate to escape, desperate to pull me apart. It's so close.

I can't fight this forever. I have a limit.

My signature can tell you where my mind's at in relation to that particular song. "I can pull the steering wheel" but I don't and couldn't tell you why.

We all really do have a limit but we won't know until we "crash dramatically into a wall" going 120mhp. Hopefully we still have time to hit the breaks and slow down. Maybe we'll survive this.

I'm just rambling here, at this point. I'm sorry.

I don't know why, or indeed how I still do hold on.

Sometimes we can't save ourselves.. but if we put a seatbelt on.. get a car with airbags.. then it might just do it.. The "safety" belt of others, therapy, meds... ?

It might just work.. We'll be injured but might just survive.

Please, never be sorry.. I'd rather you expressed what you were thinking.

I could really do with the seat belt today.. It's a rough time up in here head.
I've been to my doctor, he's given me some meds that should knock me out so I can sleep at night..
Still searching for the will to start mindfulness, it's eluding me at the moment...