Stressed... on overload

Haven't really been talking much the last few days... I feel really anxious with this depression, and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel SO exhausted. And I have too much to deal with and think about. I have to finish 4 distance courses by July 12th; which means reading the rest of 2 books - one very hard to focus on, watch the other half of a course's video lectures, take 11 tests, write 1 very large, 1 medium, and 1 short paper, and memorize/recite about 15 verses. In 3 weeks! It's not that I've procrastinated, I've done part of the course, but it's been so hard to focus, get the work done, papers are difficult anyway, and much of the time I can't see a reason to bother/had plans to not be here to face it.
I start counseling again Thursday- very nervous about that, although I wish it were sooner. I'm afraid of my mom finding out, though. And I feel so lost and small thinking about her... and confused thinking. I really want someone to talk to, I'm feeling really distant from everyone again, and so lonely. The idea of the future is overwhelming to me right now, and I hate thinking about it, but the present's no good, neither is the past, so I have to focus on something... what ifs are awful. I know I'm bad depression-wise despite the steps I've been taking recently, I have every symptom and feel horrible, and feel like I ought to be in a hospital, I don't feel safe. But that's something I can't do, I have to keep this as secret as humanly possible from my mom, because she can't know how bad it is. She'll blame herself. And above all, it can't come out to her that we believe she's abused me... she couldn't handle that. It may send her to suicide. There's another huge burden on my shoulders... my mom's pain.

Dark part
I've had thoughts of suicide again - not that they've gone far, I just want to escape. And I want so badly to slice myself up, or burn, or do something para-suicidal(like take pain killers but not enough to do damage, or make cut marks over veins but not deep) or strictly fast and purge if I give in. Or maybe try something new and wrong but numbing - like sniffing household products to try to get high, or drinking the alcohol available in my house. Not so much for attention, but for something to do, to feel with focus or none at all. I've been pushing my car to 90 on the backroad I live on - which is a rush because it's hilly, though safe enough. I did it at first in line with apathy, but when I realized how fast it made my heart beat it felt good, for a short while.

I don't think I can handle this week. I need something to keep me going badly.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

Taonuviel, I feel SO badly for you right now; your pain sounds very similiar to mine.
I have a counseling session next Tuesday, and I never told my mother, either. I don't want to tell her because of all the things I put her through in the past, with the cutting, hospitalization, depression, ect... I know it hurts her, and if she knows that I've fallen far enough again to need therapy, she'll be devastated. I doubt she'd commit suicide, but she would be hurt beyond the quick.......as I am now.
It is hard to find someone to talk with who will listen to you, I agree, but trust me, they ARE out there. I feel alone now as well, and this site is the only place where I express how I'm really feeling. It kills us inside, I know, but we need to be able to reach out and take the hands that are reaching out to US.
Yes, thinking about the future can be difficult. I try not to as much as possible, as I try to ignore the present. My past was good, and I think about probably TOO often, but I feel it's all I have. I know pleasant are thoughts are extremely difficult, that I can't lie about, however we NEED to search for them, because I think they really are out there if we just know where to look.
I understand your thoughts of suicide. They are constantly on my mind as well, and I've gone as far as making a few foolish, recent attempts. But I survived them, and I like to think it was for a reason. YOU'RE still here as well, also for a reason, I know. I think we all have a purpose, we just need to try and hang in there and find it. I STRONGLY advise against sniffing ANY kind of household product, it won't help and it's very dangerous. Drinking is not the answer, either. I'm not by ANY means calling you weak, because I'm thinking and feeling the same way you are right now. Life does have its dark moments, but if you can get past those and hang on just a little longer, it may have it's times of light, truth and happiness as well.
I wish you luck in your courses, and try to stay strong. I know you'll find your way. Just make sure you're around to find it. I know you can do it. If you need to, you can pm me. I'm here often.

Well, that's all. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Best wishes.

(((((((((((taonuviel)))))))))))))

HUGS = (((((((((((((((Taonuviel and lost_lonely))))))))))))))))))...

Warmest regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

I am sorry to hear that you are going through so much. It does sond as you do have a great deal of respect for your mother and love her very much. I understand keeping this from her and the fear of her finding out. Though you are doing what you need to do for you. The Counseling appointment is a very positive thing to help you work out these feeling of fear and feelings of self destruction, and is what is sounds like something that you need to do to help yourself get through all of this.

I would suggest that you print your post to take with you to the counseling appointment if you have trouble expressing your feelings to the Therapist. I have done this and it can really help the counselor understand the things you are feeling though may be unable to verbaly say. I have even went in and simply hadned my T the letter or note on my feelings, that way the things I can't say are all there and we can begin to talk about what issues that I have written.

I wish you hope, and the best, and encourage you to keep the appointment, even if it has to be a secret for the time being.- Take Care

Best Wishes-
~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

Thanks everyone... lost_lonely, I hope you feel better soon... I wish I had more to say, I'm just really not very helpful for now.
Thanks Peanut.
Ozzie, I can't focus on anything, and I'm SO anxious, I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown, or a psychotic episode again, I really feel I need to be in the hospital, but I can't risk it with my mom, I have to tough this out, there's no other option.
Kris, thanks. I can't print anything, but I might write out something, I don't know. Maybe notes on things I need to bring up. But I'm afraid to tell her how I'm feeling, that she'll get me put in the hospital, I can't have that happen.

I feel worse than I've ever felt before. I don't want to deal with this. I wish I wasn't so alone, that I had someone to help me along, I feel so isolated and utterly alone, left to myself to fight for anything. I want it to end!

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

T you have to do what is best for you, not for your mom or for anyone else. If you try to hide things from your therapist how can he help you?

Depression not only makes us think negatively, it also clouds our logic... you are afraid you will hurt your mom if you seek treatment, but if you go on without proper treatment and just get worse and worse, don't you think at some point it is likely it will hurt your mom even more? If she is going to feel guilty that you need treatment, how much more guilty will she feel when she finds out that you needed treatment and didn't get it and then something bad happened?

Getting help may or may not hurt your mom... and it will help you. Hiding from treatment will definitely hurt you and will likely hurt your mom even more.

Bottom line is that her problems need to be dealt with by her. You can help her out as much as you can but in the end you can not be responsible for her decisions, just as she cannot be responsible for yours. Since you are the one responsible for your decisions, please decide to do what you need to do for your own health and well being.

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--http://www.idexter.com

It's just two more days until I see my counselor, I'll just have to try to cope best I can until then. I have to try to get my coursework done, anyway... I don't have time to sit in a hospital. I realize I'm probably using pretty poor logic... but at least this makes sense to me. And I'll tell my counselor as much as I can, take notes to try to help. Maybe I'll call someone if I'm really bad.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...