Not ok

I am not ok. Not in the slightest. I have known this for months but have hidden it from everyone.

My friend thought I was doing pretty good as I have stayed out of hospital for quite a while now. I stayed at his last night and he eventually saw through the fake smiles, laughter, jokes. Probably didn't help that I avoided answering a few questions after a stupid throw away comment about dying.

He lives on a farm and there is so much countryside around...today he just told me to look around and see how beautiful it all was. I'm so lost in my own mind that I couldn't see beauty. Yes it was green...lots of green. But that's all I thought.



I am not ok, and I am desperate for this to end now.

Based on your experience, would more time away from home (?) and/or more time in the countryside be helpful?

Do talk, here at least if no where else. We get it.

I remember what you said in the beginning of May about getting through some events in May and then hit the delete button. I had really hoped you'd reconsidered. Life is worth it. You are worth it. Are you open to help of any kind? It can turn around. I hope you will change your mind.

I'm here if you want to talk. Thinking of you. Hugs coming your way.

Honestly I don't know. It's not really an option right now anyway. It is nice to get away from home, or I normally appreciate it more than I did this time anyway. I'm struggling with this wherever I am, just can't seem to shut it off.

Not reconsidered as yet, I have extended the time scale slightly.. the thing is with getting help is that it never seems to last. I can't ever seem to get away from this need to die. Not for long anyway. I am tired of going through this over and over again, I just can't keep doing this. I tried to be honest about how stuff was heading when I saw my pdoc back in april but I guess my mask is too polished and she believed me to be doing ok.

Is it that your mask is too polished..
Or is it that they don't want to help unless forced to by the "system"

Please forgive my cynicism

(From a uk cave

If you're that close you need to get into a hospital. No one wants to hear that suggestion, but now is the time before it's too late. I've been there. I didn't go into hospital and I very nearly ended it in a sure fire way. Your friend would be devastated. You clearly mean something to him. Let him help. Help yourself by letting him help. He has good instincts about how to do it. Let him in. The world would minus a good person without you.

I get the pain.

My saving thoughts are always...what if a sliver of joy is just around the corner? If we knew the future, I might say that it's a good answer if you don't like what you see....but we can't see into tomorrow. I hang onto the thought that I may matter today or tomorrow or the next day.
Please....keep your body safe until your spirit comes back.

I don't really believe that to be cynicism...more likely that is exactly how it is. I can't blame her fully though, I certainly haven't helped myself by keeping it to myself for as long as I have.

I understand what you are saying, really. The last time I was in the hospital though I came out feeling worse than when I went in. They did nothing the whole time I was there and so I spent my time planning my demise. Clearly it didn't work, but I still haven't moved on from it. And that was the end of October. I swore to myself I'd never go back, because what's the point? It doesn't change anything, it's just a holding pen until they believe the crisis is over.

I struggle with seeing any kind of hope for the future, or any future. I feel like I have already lasted longer than I was meant to. I don't know how to keep pushing forwards waiting for my spirit to return, I feel like that left me long ago and I've just been left with an empty shell.

I see your skydiving video. You're brave. Does thinking about floating in the sky do not -at least- make you smile?

Unfortunately no, not really. I was very scared and couldn't really enjoy it, I don't really remember much of it because I was that scared!

I have nothing to say, just hugs to send.
How are you doing now?

Much the same, if anything I'm just feeling worse each day that goes by now. I don't even know how I haven't given in already, it's so damn hard.

Is there a therapist who has an ability to listen? I understand those can be rare

If not, you can talk here

There is, I think. I am due to see her on Monday. I just don't know how that's gonna go, if I'm even going to turn up, if I manage to be honest about this. I've failed so far.

I've put my foot in it with my friend, said too much. He just accused me of emotionally blackmailing him, I'm pretty sure I haven't. I just don't know. I should never have said anything. I'm stupid.

I notice default, self attacking thoughts of "failed", "stupid" , "should never"

No therapist helped me with these, or much of anything I didn't trust them though which didn't help

I hope you do consult the T, you're worth it

Thank you fuzzy. I didn't even notice. I will try to make it to see T.

I hope you go to the therapist...

You're too sweet to just get lost among the masses...Stay. Post. Have tea....