[toomanycats]

This is not a threat of SU.
I am safe.

I feel like... my being alive is a mistake. Even the most enjoyable parts of life are not worth being alive for. I love my daughter. I love my family. But, I do not want to be alive. I dread waking up. Every day is just survival.

I feel so guilty. There are so many people who WANT life. My former therapist, for one. He's my best friend. And he has cancer. And I wish to GOD I could give him my life. Because I do not want it. And he wants his.

Of course, I have instincts. If I had cancer, I would fight to live, because I have human instincts. And, because of my daughter. Because I can't...just can't...hurt her. So I live. But I hate it. I hate living.

I just don't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted to do it to begin with.
Since I was CHILD, I did not want to be alive.
Since I was a child, I wished I hadn't been born.

[AmandaBroken]

I understand this. I have been where you are. But we have to play the cards that are given us. Choosing to die is not one of them. Wanting to die... That is a choice but it will affect a lot of people around you... You would leave behind a void that can not be filled...

The Difference Between Being Suicidal and Wanting to Die

Wanting to die and being suicidal are both awful and possibly dangerous but being suicidal and wanting to die are not the same thing. In my experience, wanting to die is passive and being suicidal is active. Thus, being suicidal is considerably more dangerous. I’m not saying that a passive desire to die can’t hurt you – certainly, it can – but I would suggest that being actively suicidal is more of an emergency situation.

Why does the difference between suicidality and wanting to die matter? Well, I think it impacts how you communicate your feelings. For example, when I simply want to die, I don’t feel that I’m in imminent danger but I know that feeling and thought pattern could be a stepping stone to full-blown suicidality so I need to deal with it and absolutely not ignore it.

If on the other hand, I’m actively suicidal, that’s the time when a suicide safety plans need to be put into place and even a trip to the hospital may need to be arranged.

While I absolutely think that both states need to be recognized and dealt with, I still think it’s important to recognize the difference between a serious problem and an emergency situation.

Regardless, if you are feeling either one of these things, you need to know that treatment helps – in fact, treatment is the only thing that does (if you ask me). That might be talking to your therapist or doctor, but definitely, talk to a professional. Hopefully, you can successfully communicate your specific state and your professional can assess your active risk for harm and get you the help that you need.

By Natasha Tracy

[toomanycats]

I am in all the treatment.
Individual therapy -- and I'm seeing my therapist 2x next week
Group therapy
and on medication & under supervision of a psychiatrist

I've been on 23 different medications
I've been in therapy for years
I do the work
I really really do the work

It just is what it is

[Wild Coyote]

Sounds very painful.
Have you ever explored why you've felt this way your whole life?
Do you see a therapist? If not, would you consider working with one?
Do you take any meds for depression? If not, would you consider taking meds?
Do you have friends/family to talk with about stressful things in life?

What helps you to feel more interested in life?

I hope you'll take Amanda's post to heart.

I also hope you'll show yourself a lot of compassion, as you are in tremendous pain.


WC

[toomanycats]

My daughter.
My daughter makes me interested in life.
If anything ever happens to her, I'm done.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. You're doing everything you can treatment wise. I'm sorry it's not enough to relieve the distress you're feeling. I don't have any advice beyond what you're already doing but don't give up. New medications are coming out all the time. One might be the ticket for you. I totally understand feeling like your life is a mistake because of the circumstances of my birth and adoption. It's good you live for your daughter. I live for mine as well. I hope something comes along soon that gives you relief. Thinking of you.

Without going into details... over the last 6-7 years, I have had a gradual realization that being alive is more trouble and pain and effort than it is worth, and I can relate to your post to a certain degree. (I also have reasons why suicide is not something I would choose at this time in my life.)

I am confused by the fact that more people don't feel this way, and I find some relief and comfort in hearing those who do. I somehow find encouragement in books and movies that are grounded in horror or despair or pessimism. I guess this is because we need some outlet. We can not openly discuss it in our everyday social realities without instantly worsening our situations, and frightening those who care about us, so we are left alone with our negative thoughts.

I doubt I could say anything to help you in this small exchange, but your sharing has helped me a little bit. Just knowing someone else feels this way, and chooses to struggle and continue, is valuable to me on some level (as contradictory as all of this might sound).

(This is my very first time at an online depression forum.)

[toomanycats]

Originally Posted by dullmagic

Without going into details... over the last 6-7 years, I have had a gradual realization that being alive is more trouble and pain and effort than it is worth, and I can relate to your post to a certain degree. (I also have reasons why suicide is not something I would choose at this time in my life.)

I am confused by the fact that more people don't feel this way, and I find some relief and comfort in hearing those who do. I somehow find encouragement in books and movies that are grounded in horror or despair or pessimism. I guess this is because we need some outlet. We can not openly discuss it in our everyday social realities without instantly worsening our situations, and frightening those who care about us, so we are left alone with our negative thoughts.

I doubt I could say anything to help you in this small exchange, but your sharing has helped me a little bit. Just knowing someone else feels this way, and chooses to struggle and continue, is valuable to me on some level (as contradictory as all of this might sound).

(This is my very first time at an online depression forum.)

I'm sorry for my delayed response.
You've said something here that I really relate to -- not understanding why more people don't feel this way. I do understand why many people feel the opposite of me -- I would certainly never try to convince anyone otherwise. But, I do also wonder where are the others who feel as I do...

I, of course, will also continue on with life. And trying to find pleasure in it. It's just... yeah.
I don't want to be.

[markmcc21]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I'm sorry for my delayed response.
You've said something here that I really relate to -- not understanding why more people don't feel this way. I do understand why many people feel the opposite of me -- I would certainly never try to convince anyone otherwise. But, I do also wonder where are the others who feel as I do...

I, of course, will also continue on with life. And trying to find pleasure in it. It's just... yeah.
I don't want to be.

You are not alone. It might not help you feel better, but you're not alone. They say misery loves company, but I wouldn't want anyone to experience what we experience!