[lost_lonely]

So far, today has been really difficult. And I don't think it's because it's the weekend, either. These feelings arrived yesterday, when I woke up and I just KNEW-it was going to be an AWFUL day. I woke up 7:30 in a headachy haze, and I was right from the start. I was out on a driving lesson in the morning, and narrowly avoided a head on collision on the way home. I slammed on the brakes just in time. I crawled into bed when I got home at one pm, then Saturday night came. I had my ******* obsessive, uncontrolable thoughts and fears, and felt like I was in the middle of full-blown anxiety attack. I over-reacted BECAUSE of these feelings, and now I can only pray on my own life that didn't screw up my ONLY chance at possible future happiness. I can't make it on my own anymore. I NEED this.
I didn't even plan on getting out of bed this morning. But I was feeling worse, and I just wanted to rip myself apart, I wanted to make myself hurt. I even thought I should have hit the gas instead of the brakes during my near accident, except aiming for something non-living of course, like a tree or a brick wall.
Just pray me for me. Pray that everything works out, and that I'll be okay. These sucidal feelings are beyond awful, and even last night I found myself thinking that I should have just said forget this, and just ended it all on May 13, when I lost my job.
I need strength right now, strength, support and a second chance. I'm praying so hard right now, and I hope someone up there is finally listening.

Thanks for taking time to read this, and I apologize for my horrible mood. It's just one of those days, you know?

(((((((((((((LOST_LONELY)))))))))))))
I'm so sorry that you're feeling so hopeless at the moment; my thoughts and prayers are with you. It's interesting to me that when you were almost in a crash yesterday that your "INSTINCT" is to hit the brakes. I too have nearly had numerous accidents, and some of them were intended to end my life, but the heart wants to beat on.
I went to church this morning; (2 weeks in a row, I'm impressed) and the message was about HOPE. It was definitely something that I needed to hear. You have been struggling so long to keep your head above water, but don't lose faith, there is an island in sight, just keep swimming that way, and if you can't swim anymore, just stay afloat and someone will rescue you soon.
I can assure you, that your prayers don't go unheard; don't give up.
Love,
Jon

KICK THE CABLE HABIT!!! http://www.vmcsatellite.com/?aid=84152

[gloria]

I didn't read this until today ... I hope today is a better day for you.

gab

[darkeyes]

I read this post and I want to know are you getting or seeking professional help? Are you balking at help? Are you disatisfied with your present pdoc/therapist (if you already have one) ????? I balked about getting help, but something clicked (like loving someone) and I sought out professional help, it can help you to give it a try.
Meanwhile I am sending you positive thoughts, I'd say prayers but I am not too religious. Some of the things your post said, I too have had some of the same feelings, especially driving into a wall or off a bridge, again if you get help soon YOU CAN get through this
Please take care now,

DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

[lost_lonely]

For the past couple weeks I've gone to a clinic in the next town over that offers free mental health care. I have another appointment on thursday morning, and earlier I was thinking about canceling it, but now I think I'm probably going to keep it and go anyway. I don't know how much I'll be able to say, but I'm going to try. Can't afford meds, but I took them in the past and they didn't help anyway. Right now, I just want to stop crying and get my life back on track. I'm trying so hard, but the wait is literally a killer.