Struggling a lot... But okayish today...

I've been struggling quite a bit over the last couple weeks. It kinda maxed out this week and yesterday in particular. Horrible. I felt truely horrible yesterday. Was seriously contemplating sending him a txt message which would have been something like:

'I hurt. Its okay, I don't expect you to respond. I just wanted to let you know. It is all Bob's fault.'

(Where that last bit was dubious, but it helped me to think that lol).

But I didn't. And today I've made a rather massive determined effort to take a shower and get myself the hell out of my room.

I'm going to do at least 4 hours of work today.
Then I'm going to go grocery shopping and get some fruit and veges and healthy stuff. Then I'm going to make myself a nice smoothie and do some exercise tonight.

What is this about? Fear of intimacy. I haven't managed to explicitly tell him that I'm starting to feel vulnerable and attached to him. But I have managed to say (in a slightly abstract way) that I'm afraid of intimacy in general and I really hate feeling vulnerable and attached.

He gets it. I think that is why he has been so good with my sort of diverting / stabotaging / defending in the last couple of sessions. I didn't want to talk about the vulnerable feelings. So I talked about feeling like my body was alien and I talked about... %#@&#!... What did I talk about last time? That I was finding it hard to get motivated with my work. He said something about how it wasn't such good timing that he was taking next month off. That he would sort out one of his email addresses and that we could have email contact. I said 'thats okay' in a small voice. I do that. Thats okay that he's going away. Thats okay that we can't have a session because his car broke down. Thats okay that my father is leaving me with my abusive mother because *he* can't stand to be with her anymore. I understand where they are coming from, that is what I mean to convey with that. I don't want them to feel bad / guilty because of me. That is what I mean to convey with that. Because... If they perceive me to be making them feel worse then they will only want to get the hell away from me more than they probably already do.

But he was doing okay.

Told him a bit about Bob too. About how one expresses vulnerability and then... What? Unconscious revulsion? Well... I didn't say that about the unconscious revulsion. But I did say about how you express vulnerability and then the inevitable rejection.

And it was safer than talking about my Dad. And it is fresher somehow and as such it is easier for me to feel wound up / hurt about it. And I'm having trouble with the balance between feeling and getting lost again. And I figure the getting lost is becoming something of a defence.

I remember sessions used to be really hard with one of my psychologists. They would typically result in my curling up into the fetal position with my face burrowed into my thighs and I'd dissociate for a good hour. I was trying so hard not to do that with my DBT therapist but about three sessions in I was starting to put my arm across my face so she couldn't see me. And getting all mumbly... And she said 'you know it is really hard to do therapy when you put your arm across your face like that. So what I'm going to do is I'll tell you when it is happening and then I can leave the room for a few minutes so you are better able to get your feelings under control'. I sat up immediately and it never happened again. Lol. Bizzarre kinda. It was about intense emotion. But yeah, I need something like that to help snap me out of it. Maybe I could tell him that by email.

But he has started to appreciate that email is really important to me (and I'm not so keen on phone). And that boards are important too... And maybe that... Letting me ramble (defend) is okay because I will come at something hard even though it might be sideways. He can trust me on that.

It is hard though.

Sorry for raving. Thanks if you made it this far.

I read every word, alexandra. ((((hugs))))

(((alexandra)))

((( alexandra )))

Your healthy foods, exercise and work plan sounds good. I'm glad you are being kind and gentle and good to you!

((Alexandra))

"What is this about? Fear of intimacy. I haven't managed to explicitly tell him that I'm starting to feel vulnerable and attached to him. But I have managed to say (in a slightly abstract way) that I'm afraid of intimacy in general and I really hate feeling vulnerable and attached."

Alex, this is a huge step! Even abstract utterance is truly a beginning as you are expressing, vocally, or at least, outwardly to him that you are feeling this. bringing this forward is a massive indication that you are taking some safe risks here. Congrats on that my friend.

"And it was safer than talking about my Dad. And it is fresher somehow and as such it is easier for me to feel wound up / hurt about it. And I'm having trouble with the balance between feeling and getting lost again. And I figure the getting lost is becoming something of a defence."

Yea, the balance, I see this in your posts, your teetering one way or another. Sometimes really open and then a fast withdrawal. It's ok, and actually imo, I see progression in that. (I do it too) But I think yea, you are still putting it out there even just here, so the notion is releasing itsel from your brain and making its way to your fingertips and you are sharing. Now, how to make it out of the lips.....in therapy......I bet your t "sees" this defense mechanism, I bet he uses it with you too. Because, from what I can tell, he sounds very in tune to your needs and where you're coming from and what support you need at what time etc.

"Maybe I could tell him that by email."

Yes! Do it before the urge to tell leaves you.....no harm in saying this through email, it'll help him know "where" your head is at. Yep, this tool works for me, really well, because away from therapy I'm bursting with things/emotions/feelings to convey and when I get there.......it dissolves.......or retreats.....defense? Maybe. But if I don't send it out when the urge is there, she may never know I felt it and I bury that. I say, do it, even if it's a sentence or two. Alex you are so articulate with words.....use this tool and it will serve you.

((((((((((((((((((((alex)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Alexandra!

I'm so sorry to hear how much you're struggling. (And yes, I read all of your post -- I write some long ones myself!) Intimacy is truly scary.

How did the day go? Did you get up and do the things you wanted to do? Are you feeling any better?

It's great that you can articulate what you're going through so well. I think you'll be able to share it and work through it...

Hope things are getting better,
Sidony

Thanks guys. Still struggling. Kind of collapsed today truth be told.

I didn't get into my work yesterday. Didn't do the exercise either. Got some healthy groceries but that was all. Struggled a lot yesterday too I guess.

Today it is feeling unmanageable again. Went to work. Lasted about half an hour and then came home. Just want to cry. Cry and isolate myself. Do something mindless. Or just try and sleep.

I think I'm falling into a depression.

I have this health issue too. Kind of embarrassing. Have this lump on my face. It doesn't look too bad, I guess, but a couple of people have asked about it so it it noticable. It is a cyst, basically. I'm supposed to phone to make an appointment with a plastic surgeon so they can try and cut it out from the inside of my cheek so as not to scar my face too much. I feel like a hideous monster. Don't want to phone the plastic surgeon. Just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Don't want to go outside. I'm scared and I feel disgusting and I want to die :-(

See t tomorrow. I imagine I'll get some anti-depressants or something.

I told him in one of our sessions that I see j. sometimes. As an image. Sometimes she is looking at me sometimes not. He asked what I did when she was looking at me. I said I tried not to look back. He said 'how come'? I said 'because I might get lost in her'. He said 'and why wouldn't you want to do that'? And I said 'because it hurts'. And he said 'and then what'. And I said 'she might take me over'. And he said 'and what would be so bad about that'.

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts so much. I was trying to figure what the pain is about. Shame? Defence against shame? What is it that hurts so much and why does it hurt? I don't know. But what is so bad about feeling the hurt? Because it consumes me that is why. Because it hurts so much and I can't function. I crumble. I'm reduced to just wishing I could die. I just want a way for the pain to stop. I'm scared and it hurts so much and there is nothing anybody can do. I shouldn't be around people because I only upset them and they can't do anything to help me. I wish I was dead.

But I didn't say that. I said 'because she might scream'. And he said 'yeah, I understand why you wouldn't want that to happen. And the pain too of course. I understand why you wouldn't want to feel that'.

But of course it was the not wanting to scream that he understood the most. I don't imagine he wants me to scream either.

But of course the screaming is just a defence against the pain.

I wish one could will oneself out of existence. I wish one could make a conscious decision to go to sleep and never wake up. I'm falling... I'm falling... Down the black hole. I don't like the noise I make.

{{{ alexandra }}}

I'm sorry you're struggling.

I wish life had never given you a reason to scream.

Alexandra!

I'm so sorry to hear how rough things are for you right now. And those sessions sound really really intense. Wow. I wish I had some way to help you. But just keep talking to us! Life will get better!

Sorry about the cyst thing -- that does sound annoying. Minor surgery shouldn't be too rough though -- get it over with and you'll feel better! Call the doc!

Sidony

Alex....

I'm not going to give advice. I'm not going to make suggestions.

I'm just going to say I'm so sorry.
Because I know.

Thanks guys. I was meant to see my t today. That was getting me through. I'd think about sending him a txt and I'd think 'two days to go I can hang in to then' or 'one day to go I can hang in to then'. Well today was the day and so of course his administrator just phoned to say he is off sick. Cold or flu or something like that. My heart sank.

Three days to go. Assuming it is just a cold and he manages to get it under control by then.

This is why you shouldn't depend on anyone. Ugh. I hate mysef so much.

Alex......i'm sorry that you're having such a hard time right now. we're here......xoxoxo pat

I can understand how disappointing that is. Somehow "disappointing" seems not strong enough a word, but I understand. Hang in there, alexandra.

hey. it isn't too bad. ((((((((((long half life of valium)))))))))
in at work now and determined to have a productive day
(now that really WILL help me feel better)

i was upset for a bit but ((((((((long half life of valium)))))))))
then i was thinking 'its okay that he is sick' (like 'its okay that we can't have a session 'cause his car broke down' and 'its okay that my dad left' etc etc). but then i thought... 'hey... i'm not feeling so %#@&#! hot either. maybe we are in tune with our not feeling so good'. lol. that helped a little. it sucks to be sick. i hope he is okay (((((((((((my t))))))))))). hope he feels better soon (and not just for me). sigh. %#@&#! happens. i'm feeling alright. ((((((((((long half life of valium))))))))

:-)

i called the surgeon. they can't get me in until june. but they really were very sensitive about finding out about insurance and the like. i'll get most of it back and the cost of the consult is manageable for me to pay upfront. they said they would check about insurance (so they can pay upfront) BEFORE doing any surgery etc. so that is okay. hopefully it won't get much bigger if i keep up with the antibiotics. fingers crossed, touch wood etc etc etc. have a friend who is a GP too and he said he can pull a string or two to get me on the books at the clinic he works with (they aren't taking on any new clients right now). he said there is a lady GP there who i should click with. sick of the student health services clinic here (seems to be a refuge for international doctors who don't speak english and i'm tired of getting contradictory and conflicting advice from the different doctors there when it really is unclear that they have understood what i've said). so i will see about draining it (sorry to gross people out) and hopefully get it removed properly in june. so... feeling a bit better today. no. scrap that. feeling a LOT better today :-)

damn emotional instability (sometimes i wished my lows lasted more than couple hours - couple days just as a matter of PRINCIPLE. sigh. damn principles)

;-)

you sound better......drain that darned thing!!!

pat

Hey you sound a little better!!! Sorry to hear your therapist was out. That really sucks. But you sound like you're taking it well and you'll see him soon. Hope your day was productive.

And eh, I bet most of us have strong stomachs on here. Take care of your health! Glad the clinic is trying to straighten things out for you with the insurance and all that. I hope you can get that taken care of as soon as possible. What a drag!

Sidony

Thanks guys. I think that one of the worries about draining it... Is that ideally you want to be able to get it out intact with the surgery. If it breaks when they try to get it out then it is very likely (almost inevitable) that the problem will recurr. Usually they cut an eye shaped hole in your skin and remove it that way. Because it is on my face they don't want to do that, however, as it is likely to leave a scar. So the idea is that hopefully the plastic surgeon will be able to cut they eye shaped hole inside my cheek and remove it that way (pull it back into my mouth). That way I won't end up with a scar that is visible.

What that might mean for draining it... Is that if they are pulling it out through the surface of the skin it probably doesn't matter if the skin side of the membrane is fragile because of draining it and stuff. If they are pulling it back into my mouth then it might be more important not to mess around with puncturing the skin side of the membrane as that might make it harder to get it out intact. (And of course there is the really gross possibility that they puncture it in trying to remove it through my mouth YUK!!!). I really want to talk to a doc who knows what they are doing on this... The GP said it was a 'Sebaceous Cyst' but the net said that they aren't called that anymore because that name was based on a misunderstanding of the cause of the problem / what the problem was. So... That doesn't give me much faith in that particular GP (though admittedly I'm not sure whether you need to know that much about its etiology in order to treat it satisfactorily)... Also... One doc said it was a cystic acne lesion and the next said 'no, it is a sebaceous cyst' and turns out that they are basically the same thing but they are now called epidermal cysts... Grr... Sigh. I'll check with this other doc when i get an appt. I've tried to drain it myself (there is a doc moderated message board on the net and people do indeed try and do this - often successfully). But this does NOT want to be drained. Also... I'm a little concerned about the shape... It's possible it is a cluster of 2 or 3 smaller ones rather than one bigger one... And... I am having some slight concerns it might be mouth cancer... Because I smoke like a chimney...

(thats the end of the grossness i promise!)

Alex, now that you've described it more completely, i'd be careful with trying to drain it yourself. especially if you think it is a cluster......if it is an ordinary cyst, great......but just in case it might be a little bit more complicated than that, you might be risking some skin damage and possibly an infection........pat

Yeah. I'm going to stick with the antibiotics. I don't think they will shrink it (because the problem is a build up of skin oil and the like rather than infection), but I do want to see... Because the first doc said antibiotics should shrink it and I think they might have just a little though it could have been my imagination.

I am verrrrrrrrrry disillusioned with doctors right now. Sure there is a multiplicity of different information on the net but it isn't all that bloody hard to assess the differences of opinion and follow which studies / sources are most recent and reputable... But then I guess I care more about this than they do. And they could be more interested in ingrown toenails for all I know...

But yeah. Had a couple of gos wtih trying to drain it and it simply won't. That is what got me going to the doc in the first place... I started to worry that it seemed solid rather than liquid (hence not drainable). It shouldn't get infected (with my staying on the anti-biotics). Also... A little something I learned on the net that BLOODY WORKED GREAT:

Localised infection: Hot compresses. (Run a facecloth under hot hot water. Wait until it is JUST cool enough to wring the water out with your hands. Shove up against face). I did that a couple of times and the infection was gone the next day! Amazing! Antibiotics typically take much longer to kick in (and I usually end up having to go back to the dr for thrush grr...)

But yeah. I won't try and drain it anymore because I think I am just hurting the skin and not really getting anywhere. I will go to this GP though and see what she says... Because she has been reccomended to be (my a GP I know personally). But yeah... Just so long as it doesn't get too much worse before June...

(((Pat)))

Glad you enjoyed the music festival.
Serves his royal annoyingness right for not having the courtesy to get his A into G a little earlier. :-p

(((((((((( Alexandra )))))))))))))

Just a hug for now and letting you know that I read the whole thread too. I hope things get better for you soon.

Rap

well, i enjoyed telling him to enjoy the bats........... (and i saw STARS....no geeky Pdocs to be seen, behind any of the palms>>>>>>

hot compresses are god's gift! they work on my breast as well as anything.........

if you ever have swelling...you know the type where your skin actually hurts and burns, because it is so stretched, try this product, Traumed. when i smashed my ankle, the swelling bothered me almost as the pain from the bones and a neighbor got me this cream from a health food store. it's expensive but it totally takes the swelling down immediately. in fact, they have a website that has other products as well.

i'm really glad that you're on antibiotics. i guess i missed that in your thread. i've had those cysts and they are little devils to deal with. p

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alexandra_k said:

I am verrrrrrrrrry disillusioned with doctors right now. Sure there is a multiplicity of different information on the net but it isn't all that bloody hard to assess the differences of opinion and follow which studies / sources are most recent and reputable... But then I guess I care more about this than they do. And they could be more interested in ingrown toenails for all I know...



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