It all went a bit wrong..

So.. I got Sectioned by the police under the mental health act on Saturday night for playing silly buggers trying to get hit by cars on the dual carriageway... Thankfully the few cars that were around were good drivers who were paying attention to the road.

Released after 12 hours with some recommendations. Saw my GP today who has doubled my meds and i'm being referred to a long term psychiatrist... These are good things I feel, even if I have a huge amount of guilt over my episode..

The bit that confuses me the most though.. There are many people I was not hiding how i was feeling from. Yet, every single response was "I didn't realise it was that bad..."

I didn't mean to do it in this way at all, as I hate attention by default.. But why does it take me nearly getting myself killed for it to twig how much of a mess I am.. ? Do i unconsciously put up a filter or something..

I need my friends to be there for me, now more than ever, but I feel like i'm going to push them away with this.

Not pushing anyone away, is known to me, as one of the biggest challenges. Sometimes people don't get how bad it is because they're either at too much of a distance or have a powerful desire to 'see no evil', as it were.

I hope that this event can be a life changer for you. I'll be here if you need me.

I don't think they want to know , because they have no idea what they are to do ...

Let me say goodbye to my demons
Let me say goodbye to my past life
Let me say goodbye to the darkness
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
So much more than I can carry
It's not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so ****ing messy

LP..

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I don't know why the people in your life didn't catch on to how poorly you were doing. Could be they didn't want to see because they didn't know how to help. Could be they are too self-absorbed.

In any event, you were lucky and I'm glad you are okay and getting help. Best wishes.

I find it incredible that for me to get the help i need, it needs to get to this stage...

It was scary being sectioned. Work have been amazing and understanding about the whole thing which took me by surprise.. Two supervisors are coming to see me tomorrow for a chat to see how I'm doing.

The sea of self hatred has really enveloped me today.

I came to a horrible realisation today.

I'm not important enough to be worth it to anyone.

I don't know why I didn't rtealise it sooner. There's literally no ****ing point.

You're worth it to me.

I know what you mean, though. Any time you need to talk, I'm here.

Why.

I honestly don't understand.

I can relate to this.

Back when I was at my worst with all sorts of depression, anger, and anxiety issues years ago, I struggled to get any decent help. At one point, I had to claim that I was both homicidal and suicidal to get help because that was the truth at the time for me; if I didn't get help, I was planning on killing my entire family and then myself because my mother was making my life such a living hell at the time that I desperately wanted out.

I'm grateful that I'm more mentally stable now because if I had to live the way that I did back at that point in my life for much longer, I would likely be either dead or in prison right now.

With that being said, I think that most people don't take people like us seriously because they probably think we are crazy and can't be taken seriously because of it. It often takes us being in danger either to ourselves or others to get people to budge and help us.

Is there a reason we should think you unworthy of caring feeling from anyone?

Unless you can give me a truly convincing answer, I say this to you and anyone else who wonders why I (or anyone else) should care:

I care because you have a mind to think with, a heart to feel emotions through, and a spirit to weigh it's balance. No matter what you do or don't do. No matter what you believe or don't believe. It doesn't matter if it's "good" or "bad". Why? Because we need both in this world to balance us and grow us.

Whatever it is you are beating yourself up over. Stop. Grow from it instead. Whatever it is others are beating you up over. Stop accepting their blame. Learn to reflect it back so they can see their own choices for what they are.

We each are beautiful in our own way. Likewise, we each are ugly in our own way. You choose which side to look at and when, and in that way grow yourself stronger everyday.

Please take care of yourself. You can n will get stronger.

*hugs*

There is no rational reason i can give you. None at all. More worryingly there never has been.

I wish I could more eloquently put into my words how I feel about myself, but the words simply don't exist that I know of to convey the feelings.

I'm trying to stop beating myself up over it. But it is a learned habit over many many years and I'm only just starting to get a grip on it.

I'm trying. It just see,ms that every time I hit rock bottom, then there's another floor under it that I haven't found yet

I can understand that feeling. It helps sometimes to discuss what's causing the feeling. That way others can help you sort through why you aren't the horrid person you or someone else may think you are.

Can you tell us what's going on?

I'm not entirely sure what's going on in all honesty. I've gone back to work today and I've been getting the silent treatment from all my colleagues.. My rational head is telling me they don't know what happened, the other side is screaming at me that they hate me, think I'm stupid etc.
Yes, I could ask them, but how would I know if they're telling the truth..

My mind seems to be stuck in a perpetual cycle of assuming what other people think to always be the worst case scenario..

I don't know... does any of that make sense?

Yes it makes sense.

I can tell you from experience, if you treat them different due to your fear, they will treat you different because of your new behavior caused by the fear, regardless of what they may or may not know. That being the case, the best thing to do is just pretend everything is "same ole, same ole" unless and until someone comments or asks you about it.

Apparently nobody really takes me seriously (except a T) because I "present well".

Those were the words of a Pdoc who should be glad I didn't stick a pen in his eye.

(I was in a bad way and he nearly discharged me from the clinic where I get T and Meds)

Anyway I had a *****fit, my T calmed me down and made me realize that, even though that dr was a douche, he wasn't completely wrong.

And THIS is why my friends are hardly there for me unless I explicitly say I am feeling suicidal.

I'm so sorry you had to play in traffic before anyone took real notice.

Re:work, I would just ask someone if I suddenly had swine flu or something....

ETA. Love the thread title btw, sounds like the perfect title for my autobiography.

Sounds like a charmer your doc..
I'm on mobile and tired as hell so I can't type much.. But today was hell.
Delusions are at 800% and it's taking every nerve in my body to not have an unfortunate "tragedy".

Do you ever just sit and stare into nothing.. Asking yourself what you did that was so wrong, so bad, that I have to live trapped inside my own living hell..

God I wish I could flip a switch and have just a day without these thoughts.

"you'll snap out if it".. "go **** your hat" - I think was a fair response..

I've been asking myself those same questions for months, intermittently for years...

I know the walls quite well.

I hope you manage to get some sleep.

I got some.. It was a complete bear getting out of bed this morning for work.. Then I couldn't find my access card and spent half an hour in a complete mess..
Eventually found it hiding under a plate if all things...
Late into work, again.. I'm not surprised my colleagues hate me.
Tried calling my best friend yesterday.. No answer which isn't unusual as she's usually busy.. But when they read a message and don't reply for days.. It just hurts..
Really done a number on me this week my brain..

Ending the working week is always a double edged sword.. On the plus side I can actually get sleep as and when I feel the need to nap. On the downside, I now have to be with myself for two days... Urgh

Turns out I've now run out of feelings. I have none left. I don't have any reserves left to feel sad, unhappy, angry, happy..

How on earth do you fill nothing.
Literally I simply don't care now. If I still had feelings, I would ordinarily be either panicking or surprised.

Nothing.

Your mind and body are tired. It's like a defense mechanism. Maybe this can offer relief.

Cognitively I know I am experiencing events that should create emotion. But it all feels the same numbness..
Forcing emotional expressions on my face is difficult..