My Mother

for those who don't know or remember, i first joined in 2003. it was a quiet site in those days. many days i was one of the few who responded to the posts we received from visitors who wandered in, some stayed, some moved on. fuzzybear, darkeyes, ladydragus were a few of the few in those days.

during that time i was caring for my grandmother. she passed away in 2004. i left the site then and did some traveling to try to find my inner peace.

i came back to colorado two years ago. since that time i have been doing my best to care for my handicapped mother. she was in a drunk driving accident when i was eight. she broke her neck and back and spent 6 months in suspended traction. the doctors all agreed the accident should have killed her.

she was unable to care for all the children. for some reason it was decided i should go to live with my father while the others stayed here in colorado. something that always deeply puzzled and hurt me.

since gramma has passed and a few others, we are an even smaller family now. my brother and two sisters are in the area but because of the modern lifestyle, none are able to commit much to mom's care.

she never saw any specialists when she was released from the hospital, never sought the physical therapy she needed, never even got a handicapped sticker for her license plate, and simply tried to return to life as normal. but there was nothing normal about it anymore.

years have gone by, her legs are twisted and swollen, she crawls through the trailer to ue the bathroom and leans on anything available when she does walk. her feet are bloody swollen humps.

she's unable to clean the house, take out the trash, clean the bathroom walls. spiders and bees come in the house freely.

this summer i took it on myself to clean the place up. mom seemed willing. the other day i tried to lovingly tell her she needs more help than i can give. she became very offended and accused me of trying to put everything off on someone else. i left the house so broken i didn't think i could put myself together again. it's the last of many recent such events.

i almost came here that day, needed support, ideas. i didn't because i want to keep myself moving in my real life and only come here the weekend.

i almost didn't post this. it's too long, too complicated. i know you care and would help. but if she won't help herself, what can i do?

she's getting older, i plan to move someday. i asked her what she will do. she says "the lord will provide." I admire her strength. but i fear for her and i feel so guilty...

I'm not telling you that you have not to feel guilty, because you already know it, do you?
Well, this is a nasty situation, when you 'd like to help somebody who doesn't want to be helped.
You should understand why your mother is so reluctant to get medical care, and address that problem. As a last resort, however painful, you may try to put the blame on her: "I can't get a normal life because you don't get cured".
Most of all you may need an expert's opinion, I mean a psychologist.

Just trying to throw ideas in...

Your post was very uplifting and sad at the same time.

How nice to know that this place has been around for so long and such a support to so many...because of people like you!

And how nice, and uplifting that you have helped your mother for sooo long. But now it is time for you and your mom to start looking at the bigger picture.

I commend your mom for wanting to get back to life as it was, unfortunately that probably meant to her to put her life, and further medical care on the back burner. Now, again unfortunately, it has caught up with her. That is NOT your fault!!!

How old is your mom? Does she have health insurance? It would be good to look into any services that your county may provide at low or no cost (i.e. meals on wheels, visiting nurses, etc.)

Oh @#$#@ my dog just got sprayed by a skunk.

i agree with stefano, you need to get help with it. and i know u may feel guilty, butyou are NOT putting her onthe backburner. you deserve to have your life to yourself. you spent a long time loking after your grandma it seems. andshe does need professional help, you cant be expected to do it alone.
take care hun
self
*hugs*

(((((((((((nowheretorun))))))))))

hugs sweetie, I also agree with Stefano and Selfy, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE, YOU HAVE TRIED SO HARD, and you deserve better treatment. Give yourself a break hun, you are a wonderful person, your mum can make her own decisions.

love, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

selfy and stefano

thank you both so much for responding... yes, i agree, there is little reason for me to feel this guilt. i believe it comes from that deep "do the right thing" training i received. i get so angry at times the other sibs don't help. i just can't do it that way.

mom is poor financially as you might imagine. i think that partly explains her reluctance to seek help. but what she doesn't seem to realize is the position her relctance has put the kids into, and it's something hard for me to find a way to explain. DAM that accident! No, it wasn't even an accident. the fallout is still coming... thanks again : )

danialla

i really appreciate your kind response. i'm terribly sorry about your dog. is everything ok?

the true credit for this place being successful undoubtedly belongs to Doc John and his crew. but i caught your meaning and thank you very much. I think i read somewhere this site has been online since 1995? when i joined i didn't research the posts left before my time. i assume there has always been a caring supportive community here. it is great that i could return here. it is a one of a kind and special place and thanks to everyone...

thank you jinny... i will try...

Nowhere,

First off......yes my dog is okay and virtually smell free But, my husband can't smell and let the dogs in the house before I noticed the smell myself. So the basement does have that mild tell tail odor

If your mom is not well off financially (or even if she was) contact "Jobs and Family Services" or maybe it is called "Department of Human Services" in your local county. They can help you get services on a sliding scale for you and your mom.

Also, if your mom is older she may be able to get services through your local county senior citizens group or "Council On aging". But again, jobs and family services should be able to help you with that also.

The next step will be much harder....

Don't let what your mom says get to you. Your mom is probably very frustrated with her life and herself right now. Add to that any physical pain she is feeling and what she says to you or about you is really just her frustration talking.

It is sometimes hard to believe the saying "You only hurt the ones you love" but somtimes it is so very true. I think this is true because when you love someone what they say hurts sooo much but to the person saying it they are comfortable in that love and think they can say things to loved ones just beause they are secure in the fact that those people will continue to love them regardless..... Sad isn't it?

Anyway, please contact some of your local county programs and they should be able to help. Please take care of yourself too!!!

thank you danialla, all very good ideas and the part about hurting those we love is especially appreciated. seems sad and true, yes... i will keep working on this, you've been a great help... best to you...

Danialla, sorry for your skunking; my cat did that (rolled in where a skunk had been) when I was sick/just home from the hospital and I didn't realize it until he was on my lap and I was in my PJ's; I had to call my husband to come home from work and take the cat to the vets to get a bath, I was too weak to do much (including laundry so I was in short supply of clean things to put on if the cat got me smelly :-) and the cat really wanted to sit on my lap, etc. LOL

nowheretorun, I would make a "list" of minimum chores that would help your Mom some (bringing meals, doing laundry/cleaning once a week, that sort of thing) including some "fun" ones (books from/to the library? that sort of thing) and see if you can't talk to your sibs one at a time and get them to "sign up for" a chore or two every now and then? It could be that your mother's situtation looks so scary and difficult that no one knows where to start and that they're not as "brave" as you are. Too, they have their own relationship with her and might have wholly different points of view; that happened with my brother who is 9 years older than I am -- he was the "black sheep" about helping take care of my stepmother but after she died, he came out of his shell and is again my wonderful older brother and he and I have a great relationship. Some of his "attitude" was forced upon him by how my stepmother and stepsister and everyone saw him and he was truly in an awkward position, I could see, once it was "over."

But even if no one else helps, getting yourself a few things you can do to make you feel "better" might help you. There is always more we could do but doing "something" in an organized/organized fashion might make you feel better for yourself?

thank you perna, that is so reasonable and practical, the kind of solution i love best. yes, it has become so disorganized. trying to manage my own life is challenging enough. i like your ideas. i'm sure i will put them to use.

i've thought about approaching the sibs but each time in my mind i only see defeat straight from the gate that i've thrown up my hands in surrender... not correct and i know it... thank you for including the part about the library. i know she would appreciate that. i suspect you are right about the "scary situation" the others are feeling. i'm not sure i am the brave one. being raised by my father did make some difference. this is what fate has given me to deal with...

hindsight is 20/20 isn't it? so sad so much can be lost before we get to that point. i am glad your brother and you are close again. my own sister and i have drifted (the others are 1/2 sibs) have grown apart because of this... the fallout... but hopefully someday

you've all been so helpful, i wish i could express it better. that is why i still come here, people like you... best to everyone : )

(((((((((((((((( nowheretorun )))))))))))))))