[MtnTime2896]

I'm going to catch hell for typing this, for opening up. I gotta get it out somehow, though. This may be a long post, for that I apologize.

While I was inpatient last month, I felt myself losing control over rational thought. I'm still somewhat suspicious -- though at the time was fully convinced -- that the phone was being tapped, my medication contained micro-organisms that could induce mind control, my food was laced with sedatives that should force my compliance etc.. This train of thought and the idea that I wasn't sick enough to deserve a bed when so many others needed it more, was the reason I discharged myself. I went in voluntarily and also didn't share any of my beliefs with the doctor, I didn't trust her or anyone else there enough to do so. They were all working against me. With the intention of keeping me trapped so harm could be done to the people I loved, without me there to save them.
So, I discharged myself and kept taking my medication, though I didn't trust it. I assumed that IP was the only place working against me, until I got out, that is. I began to believe that people around me were impostors. At the very least, they weren't real. That it was a simulation of sorts. One of those I believe(d) an impostor would be my T. I still go back and forth and can't make up my mind. Ultimately, I've come to the conclusion that there is no one I can truly trust. To be honest, though, I've always felt this way. However, referring to that whole not being "sick enough to deserve a bed" idea that manifested in the hospital; well, it's only grown. It's not only a lack of trust (which I've always had), it's believing that what's going on with me isn't real. It isn't real and therefore I need to quit lying to people. I need to keep my mouth shut because other people have real problems. They don't need these false ones added to their list. They know real pain, I don't.
As a result of all this, I've quit attending therapy -- even though my therapist desired my normal one time a week session to become three times a week. I've also quit opening up, almost entirely. I don't necessarily lie when I'm asked, "Are you okay." I simply respond with, "As okay as I can be" instead of properly addressing the question. I've quit seeing my friends, too. They need me to be there for them, but how can I be when I'm battling with my own mind over what is real and what isn't? I actively avoid my fiance most of the time. I sleep while he's awake, and stay awake while he's asleep or at work. All of this seems practical to me, as I'm an infection in their lives. I am a parasite. I take from them and offer nothing in return. I'm an infection because I make their lives even more difficult to bare.
I also should mention that I've been self-harming and self-medicating a lot, again. These problems of mine are fake but these feelings won't leave and I don't know why. Have I really buried myself that deep under all of this self-deceit? Though I don't fully believe in their existence, I can't tune out these voices. I can't make them leave me alone. I also can't seem to fight off this imaginary power they have over me. I hurt myself because they want me to. I self-medicate until I'm passed out and drooling because I'm desperate to shut them out. Even so, they've infiltrated my nightmares.

I'm left questioning what I should do here. How do I subdue these manifestations of my mind's lie? What do I do to make these things leave me alone? I know what they want me to do. I know what their solution is and I'm prepared to do it. If there's another way, though, what is it?

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( So leigheas ))))))))

[childofchaos831]

So leigheas,

Do you think you would be able to tell, or maybe just show this post, to your pdoc? You seem to have an idea that these beliefs are not true, even though they *feel* true.

When I started thinking like that, and even now when I begin to start think that way again, I need to tell my pdoc while I still have some sort of grasp that the beliefs are not reality. If I allow it to go too far, I'm no longer able to tell him. Even telling your pdoc, while explaining these beliefs, that they are included in the "threat" would help them to understand. There are things that can help, but it does require a level of trust or even just surrender to the doctors.

When my brain starts to do those things to me, I have to look at the people around me, and fact check. If what I think is happening were really happening, wouldn't others be reacting to it as well? If everyone were truly trying to sabotage certain things, wouldn't there be signs that I could see outside of my own thoughts to back up those beliefs?

I know how hard it is, to go against the beliefs, and tell someone irl what is going on inside your brain. I have been there, but now, with the right med combo, those times are few and far between. Now, it really only happens when I get extremely stressed, and once the stress dissipates, so do the thoughts.

Please consider talking to your doctor or your T.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

So leigheas,

Do you think you would be able to tell, or maybe just show this post, to your pdoc? You seem to have an idea that these beliefs are not true, even though they *feel* true.

When I started thinking like that, and even now when I begin to start think that way again, I need to tell my pdoc while I still have some sort of grasp that the beliefs are not reality. If I allow it to go too far, I'm no longer able to tell him. Even telling your pdoc, while explaining these beliefs, that they are included in the "threat" would help them to understand. There are things that can help, but it does require a level of trust or even just surrender to the doctors.

When my brain starts to do those things to me, I have to look at the people around me, and fact check. If what I think is happening were really happening, wouldn't others be reacting to it as well? If everyone were truly trying to sabotage certain things, wouldn't there be signs that I could see outside of my own thoughts to back up those beliefs?

I know how hard it is, to go against the beliefs, and tell someone irl what is going on inside your brain. I have been there, but now, with the right med combo, those times are few and far between. Now, it really only happens when I get extremely stressed, and once the stress dissipates, so do the thoughts.

Please consider talking to your doctor or your T.

I don't know. Even if I can get passed this problem of not trusting them, I still don't trust me. Why would I go to them about fake problems? Sure, these feelings are powerful, the thoughts are loud and the voices are overbearing; the fact remains that they're simply manifestations of my own self-deceit. I created these problems out of thin air so I should be able to subdue them and return back to reality, right? The truth is, I don't know if I'll recognize reality when/if I see it. I'm starting to believe that there is no such thing and everything is a lie.

I will try fact-checking. I think that it could help with some of these thoughts swirling around inside my skull.

Thank you for your advice.

[Bill3]

[Shazerac]

I don't know what to tell you. But I'll give it a shot.

Maybe it doesn't really matter if the voices in your head are true, or if you made up lies in your head. It's obvious you are suffering. Maybe you could stop fighting them and get some help, get on meds that can help you get some relief from the uproar in your head.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

I don't know what to tell you. But I'll give it a shot.

Maybe it doesn't really matter if the voices in your head are true, or if you made up lies in your head. It's obvious you are suffering. Maybe you could stop fighting them and get some help, get on meds that can help you get some relief from the uproar in your head.

I feel like I've given that same advice to someone only months ago. It makes sense but...

What if I'm not worth helping?

[Bill3]

You are.

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I don't know. Even if I can get passed this problem of not trusting them, I still don't trust me. Why would I go to them about fake problems? Sure, these feelings are powerful, the thoughts are loud and the voices are overbearing; the fact remains that they're simply manifestations of my own self-deceit. I created these problems out of thin air so I should be able to subdue them and return back to reality, right? The truth is, I don't know if I'll recognize reality when/if I see it. I'm starting to believe that there is no such thing and everything is a lie.

I will try fact-checking. I think that it could help with some of these thoughts swirling around inside my skull.

Thank you for your advice.

Would you be able to trust me if I told you that this is something they would want you to tell them? Also, even tho the problems seem "fake" right now, I believe that the doctor would not see them as fake at all. Sometimes, even if problems are something that we created, often we need help dealing with them, and even if we created them, that does not mean they are fake. I would argue that your brain is not being truthful with you about what is happening around you, and the doctor can help you see what is real and what is not.

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I feel like I've given that same advice to someone only months ago. It makes sense but...

What if I'm not worth helping?

One thing I've learned from years of T, and I hope I can explain this well...

Every person is born with worth. Every person has worth. Nothing we do or say will take away that worth, no matter how it feels. We have the same amount of worth throughout our entire lives.

When we feel as if we are not worth help, that is just our brains trying to convince us to not get help, because our brain does not want to lose. It is a battle.

Whether it is depression or bipolar or PTSD or anything else, it is a battle. And we need to go into that battle with as many people fighting with us as we can. That includes our friends, family and our treatment team. There will be times when we are unable to fight, and that is when the others with us take over, and fight for us for a bit.

Something that is said in 12 step programs is "we will love you until you can love yourself." It's the same idea, let the doctors and your T help you. Right now, it may not seem like you are worth being helped, but I promise you, to them, you are.

[MtnTime2896]

childofchaos831; first, thanks for taking the time out to talk to me. You make good points but I gotta ask, how do you know -- or even how should I figure out -- whether or not my brain is lying to me? I don't know how to tell, anymore. I thought I did once but now I just can't.

The biggest struggle I'm having is deciding whether or not I want to win this fight, or whatever's going on.

[Sunflower123]

You are worth it. Thinking of you.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I'm still somewhat suspicious -- though at the time was fully convinced -- that the phone was being tapped, my medication contained micro-organisms that could induce mind control, my food was laced with sedatives that should force my compliance etc.. This train of thought and the idea that I wasn't sick enough to deserve a bed when so many others needed it more, was the reason I discharged myself.

I began to believe that people around me were impostors. At the very least, they weren't real. That it was a simulation of sorts. One of those I believe(d) an impostor would be my T. I still go back and forth and can't make up my mind. Ultimately, I've come to the conclusion that there is no one I can truly trust. To be honest, though, I've always felt this way.

I'm battling with my own mind over what is real and what isn't? I actively avoid my fiance most of the time.

I can't tune out these voices.

This sounds so miserable.

Though your irrational beliefs are telling you not to do this--your best chance to recover is to tell people about all these fears and voices. When you think your phone is tapped--say it. You need to have a conversation about it--otherwise feelings like this become stronger. It is good you told us--that is a good step but in order to receive help IRL you must tell the people around you. I know it is hard, sometimes it is our MI that makes us untrusting and fearful. We have to admit to these fears--they are really sad fears. These fears are about people not loving you or being evil because if someone wants to hurt you--they don't love you and just are terrible people. Let people who love you or are just plain good people help. The first step is assuming that they are trustworthy people then having the courage to tell them what you are thinking. I know it is very hard but keep trying and don't give up hope. Also, keep posting...

[MickeyCheeky]

You are worth it to me..

and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

childofchaos831; first, thanks for taking the time out to talk to me. You make good points but I gotta ask, how do you know -- or even how should I figure out -- whether or not my brain is lying to me? I don't know how to tell, anymore. I thought I did once but now I just can't.

The biggest struggle I'm having is deciding whether or not I want to win this fight, or whatever's going on.

When I say I know, I am speaking from my experience. That is how it was with me, when I was losing touch with the reality everyone else experienced. Even though I didn't trust the doctors, and didn't want to tell them, some small part of me felt like they may be able to help, so I told them. That was years ago, and I haven't had a severe loss of reality in several years. The doctors were able to help me get back to who I had been before.

Sometimes figuring out if your brain is lying to you takes an outside person, and in my experience, it took my doctor. It took being put on medication, and taking it like I was told even though I thought it was poison (but fact checking, I started feeling better, not worse). After a while, I started to be able to see reality edven though I still had the thoughts, they just weren't as strong. Then reality became more real for me, and finally the thoughts went away. For me, it did take medicarion, but it took trusting that my doctor knew and could see that my brain was lying to me when I couldn't.

When you say you don't know whether you edven want to win this fight, I would propose maybe give talking to the doctors a shot. Another thing that is said in 12 step programs, once you get sober and you've worked the steps, if you want to go back to the drugs or alcohol, we will gladly refund your misery. Basically, they are saying to give the treatment a chance, and if you aren't happy with how you feel after, you can always go back. The whole one day at a time thing fits too... one day, one step at a time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other... and hopefully, with doing what we are supposed to do, we begin to feel better.

[Winterbritt]

Hi there,
I don't want to say too much, because I don't have any personal experience with these things in myself, but I have a friend who has schizo-affective disorder, and he had similar paranoid thoughts.

I just wanted to point out one thing. You said you are starting to see that the paranoid thoughts are false, that your mind created them out of thin air, and that you didn't want to bother anyone with them because they are false.

It's fantastic that you're seeing the possibility that everything that you think isn't necessarily true. I know it's kind of disturbing to not be able to tell what is real and what is not real. But just ponder it like this and see if brings you a little peace about it.

Every single person in this forum has thoughts that they spend their life believing that aren't true. Every single one of us has a mind that makes up hurtful false things that make us suffer. Your paranoia about your doctors and the hospital, it's not so different from the fake stuff that everyone else is believing about their own life.

Questioning your thoughts and figuring out which ones aren't true, that's the key to freedom from suffering for everyone, no matter why they suffer. Some people believe that they aren't worthy of love. Some people believe they'll never be successful. Some people believe that they will never be able to support themselves, etc etc. Some people believe that the phones are tapped. Some people believe that their meds are laced with sedatives. We all have delusions. It's just that some delusions are considered more normal than others. But everyone who believes their false thoughts suffers in their lives because of it. We call it depression and anxiety and all kinds of things.

You are starting to see that your false thoughts are false. You're on the right track. You're ahead of the game.

We are all just trying to identify the false thoughts and get rid of them, just like you are doing. It can be really hard to do though, and every single one of us deserves whatever help we need in order to do it. We're all worthy of a bed in a hospital. We're all worthy of a therapists time.

It sounds like you are really really suffering. Of course you deserve help.

[MtnTime2896]

I really appreciate everyone here. I'm trying to apply what you all of said to what's going on right now.

[Rohag]

((((((( Só leigheas )))))))

Wishing you clarity and refreshing sleep...

[Bill3]