[nikon]

I haven't checked in for a few days. I saw my psychiatrist and he increased one of my meds. Since yesterday I've felt really down though. I feel aimless and like my life is pointless. I often feel very mentally tired so just wish someone would tell me to take a break, but it's not like I'm busy to begin with. It's more just like I crave someone caring about me. Or caring for me. Then I feel weak for feeling like that. It's not in the way of wanting a relationship. It's more like wanting parents, even though I'm 28 and have parents.

Crappy morning. I relapsed

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by happycheeks

Crappy morning. I relapsed

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. Thinking of you.

[katydid777]

As always I had a ruff start today. I was up earlier than I normally am. I didn't do much this morning. It is very wet, and cold this morning, so my bones hurt so bad because of it. I ended up taking a very hot shower, and it helped. After that I put on a little make up, and went to Walmart to pick up a prescription for my husband. I just about ran to the restroom. I Take Lasix to take off fluid around my heart, so that also makes mornings hard. It seems like I am in some restroom about every 30 minutes, and it lasts at least 6 hours. After I got back, and after my Lasix wore off, I put what I thought was a beef roast in the toaster oven. The meat ended up being sirloin steaks, and our gas went out, so I had to treat the steaks as a roast, and cook it in the toaster oven, and I will have to make stuffing, and flat green beans in the microwave because nothing else I have in the cabinets would work in the microwave. Anyway it has been a very trying morning. Hopefully the afternoon will be better.

Yesterday I was not able to get a movie because the library was closed. So there was not movie to watch last night. This morning I went to a church that I was going to last year at this time. I decided to try something else. It wasn't that great. I won't be going back there again. Felt very bad after leaving there. Nothing much else going on.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by will19

Yesterday I was not able to get a movie because the library was closed. So there was not movie to watch last night. This morning I went to a church that I was going to last year at this time. I decided to try something else. It wasn't that great. I won't be going back there again. Felt very bad after leaving there. Nothing much else going on.

I feel for you, Will. The way you keep trying... Do you live in a small town?

[Rose76]

can't manage to stay out of bed.

[FallDuskTrain]

No energy
Sunday blues.

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

I feel for you, Will. The way you keep trying... Do you live in a small town?

No, I live in a very large city. Though I live in the suburbs.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by will19

No, I live in a very large city. Though I live in the suburbs.

Oh that's a relief. I was picturing you in the middle of nowhere.

at this point i think i need to put together an extra toothbrush and toothpaste kit to bring around with me at all times. it can just hang out in my bag. i need to brush my teeth and when i get home, i am always too tired to do it, so why not at school?

Possible trigger:

the other day i packed some blades for SI reasons. i could have packed my toothbrush too. shows where my priorities are...

[nikon]

I'm still feeling very depressed. last night and this morning had a couple of times feeling intensely angry as well. when i feel that angry i have previously ripped books apart and ripped t-shirts - trying not to do anything physically destructive to myself. went for a short jog this morning but it didn't really have a lasting mood boosting effect.

last night I had an anger dream that I haven't had for ages - fighting with someone trying to scream "i hate you" or something like that. i used to wake up screaming but now i just woke up gasping luckily. times like this I just want to be unconscious because nothing when i'm awake feels good. i literally just saw my pdoc last week so i've got another four months before my next appointment, and if i carry on like this i'm probably going to end up in hospital again, which brings with it all the family stress/drama, losing income etc. I can't do that at least until january because i've got steady work until then and i really need the money. like, i can't afford to get depressed. i'm trying hard to save money for something i desperately need.

i just get this horrible feeling, and i've had it previously, like i'm passing a point where the depression will not be fixable by me. as though, i pass a point of no return, where i am inevitably going to end up in a serious crisis and probably in hospital. the process can drag out for months but i've really not been successful at backpedaling out of depression once i've passed that point.

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

at this point i think i need to put together an extra toothbrush and toothpaste kit to bring around with me at all times. it can just hang out in my bag. i need to brush my teeth and when i get home, i am always too tired to do it, so why not at school?

Possible trigger:

the other day i packed some blades for SI reasons. i could have packed my toothbrush too. shows where my priorities are...

I think this means I should go to therapy today after all.

[Grath]

I still feel stuck and clueless. After being told "you know we don't have any appointments left this year" I still managed to squeeze in an appointment with my psychiatrist the day after tomorrow. But how will a 45 min talk be able to help me? Not to mention that he will be in a hurry anyway because he has so many appointments...
I feel like I'm living from appointment to appointment again, with no real goal inbetween. I just know that I will try every day to motivate myself for months again, to no avail...I really want change. Maybe I should just travel somewhere far away...

[katydid777]

So far today is going good. I am hopeful that I will be able to get more done. One thing I have to do is go to Walmart to have my hair cut, and some time this week I will frost it, because I want my home right, and I want to look ok when we meet our possible Daughter in law.

[Rose76]

I have chest pain. It is an anxiety thing I get. Very infrequently.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

I think this means I should go to therapy today after all.

I agree

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by katydid777

So far today is going good. I am hopeful that I will be able to get more done. One thing I have to do is go to Walmart to have my hair cut, and some time this week I will frost it, because I want my home right, and I want to look ok when we meet our possible Daughter in law.

I'm glad you're having s better day.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by nikon

I'm still feeling very depressed. last night and this morning had a couple of times feeling intensely angry as well. when i feel that angry i have previously ripped books apart and ripped t-shirts - trying not to do anything physically destructive to myself. went for a short jog this morning but it didn't really have a lasting mood boosting effect.

last night I had an anger dream that I haven't had for ages - fighting with someone trying to scream "i hate you" or something like that. i used to wake up screaming but now i just woke up gasping luckily. times like this I just want to be unconscious because nothing when i'm awake feels good. i literally just saw my pdoc last week so i've got another four months before my next appointment, and if i carry on like this i'm probably going to end up in hospital again, which brings with it all the family stress/drama, losing income etc. I can't do that at least until january because i've got steady work until then and i really need the money. like, i can't afford to get depressed. i'm trying hard to save money for something i desperately need.

i just get this horrible feeling, and i've had it previously, like i'm passing a point where the depression will not be fixable by me. as though, i pass a point of no return, where i am inevitably going to end up in a serious crisis and probably in hospital. the process can drag out for months but i've really not been successful at backpedaling out of depression once i've passed that point.

If you put practicalities aside, and all things were possible, is there anything that would stop you from moving closer to that point?

[Kote]

Weekends are generally better for me, but this weekend was pretty good. Except for when I needed a nap yesterday. When I laid down, just me, no TV, no music, just me & my thoughts, I felt the darkness creeping back in. Then, after I woke up & showered, I had dinner with family. Even though I was surrounded by people whom I love and I know love me back, I was spiraling all alone in my mind.

This morning, I'm so tired. It doesn't matter what time I go to bed, I wake up multiple times in the middle of the night. At 5am I'm awake just tossing and turning until I finally get up around 6 for work. I feel so defeated. Saturday & Sunday feel so long ago already.

[nikon]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

If you put practicalities aside, and all things were possible, is there anything that would stop you from moving closer to that point?

you're very considerate replying to people
sometimes it doesn't feel like there's anything that can stop it. last time i was in hospital i don't think i fully came out of the depression i was in, so i was already starting off below the "average" mood line in a way. i guess the only thing i can imagine would maybe be therapy multiple times a week or something. unfortunately that is just financially impossible. i think part of the depression is, ironically, the feeling of loneliness from lack of connection to people, and therapy is one of the places where i get the closest to a connection. in a way, it feels like when you're paying someone, they're not going to suddenly have an argument with you and disappear; they literally *have* to listen to you, which for whatever reason, is something i really want/need.

[Deilla]

I don't feel well physically this morning. I'm stressed because my apartment people are gonna show up at some point today for maintenance. This ruins my day. I want to sleep so I feel better but I don't know when these people will show up. They walk in if you don't answer the door.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by nikon

you're very considerate replying to people
sometimes it doesn't feel like there's anything that can stop it. last time i was in hospital i don't think i fully came out of the depression i was in, so i was already starting off below the "average" mood line in a way. i guess the only thing i can imagine would maybe be therapy multiple times a week or something. unfortunately that is just financially impossible. i think part of the depression is, ironically, the feeling of loneliness from lack of connection to people, and therapy is one of the places where i get the closest to a connection. in a way, it feels like when you're paying someone, they're not going to suddenly have an argument with you and disappear; they literally *have* to listen to you, which for whatever reason, is something i really want/need.

Replying to people helps me feel better. I'm aware that it's a tough world out there. If I didn't have to go out into it, I probably wouldn't. But we can make pockets of caring. And this forum seems to be one of them.

That's good that you've identified what would help.

I'd suggest musing on it for a while. Try to disconnect it from your other issues.

So, regular and safe contact, similar to the kind you have with a therapist, would help keep you away from that point of no return.

[regretful]

I would like these feelings of sadness to just go away - I was able to get out an exercise this morning; that was a bit of respite from it. Now, in my office, I'm stuck with thinking about how to keep my head above water; depression doesn't make that too easy. Wishing all of you well and a moment's peace today.

[WishIWereAStone]

Didn't get to rest much over the weekend, back at work just trying to tread water and not go completely under. Hope everyone has a good day.