[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Arbie

Today I'm sick. Fever and everything. Which is frustrating, because it seems like any time there's the slightest bug going around, I gotta catch it. I wish I could stay well long enough to get something accomplished.

I hope you feel better soon.

One day at a time. Mustn't con myself into thinking it is anything but this.

[Rose76]

Yesterday, after days of feeling too depressed to keep up with what I need to get done, I took additional doses of amitriptyline. This morning, I've felt the best I've felt in days. I'm thinking that may be from yesterday's increased intake of this antidep. I've gotten a quick response from this med in the past. I'm hopeful now that it may help me. Something has to, or I'm going to be a mess.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by Arbie

Today I'm sick. Fever and everything. Which is frustrating, because it seems like any time there's the slightest bug going around, I gotta catch it. I wish I could stay well long enough to get something accomplished.

I hope you get over the bug soon. Don't expect too much of yourself until you do.

[Deilla]

I've felt good all day. I slept a lot cause I was tired. My CPAP machine is broken, so I deserve to sleep extra. I did a lot of work around my house too. So now I'm relaxing.

[mulan]

Ups and downs day. Felt better in the morning than I usually do and I think I was less anxious today. But then did close to nothing after I went home, although I thought I had a good night sleep my head was hurting and I felt tired. I tried to sleep, with one eye closed and another opened... Didn't sleep much. Didn't go to the gym as I wanted to.
It wasn't easy to get myself out of bed, I had to run an errand and I post-poned it until I couldn't. My head started to ache again. Made the dinner for me and my sister, if I hadn't things to do and if I lived by myself I would probably stayed in bed.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by mulan

Ups and downs day. Felt better in the morning than I usually do and I think I was less anxious today. But then did close to nothing after I went home, although I thought I had a good night sleep my head was hurting and I felt tired. I tried to sleep, with one eye closed and another opened... Didn't sleep much. Didn't go to the gym as I wanted to.
It wasn't easy to get myself out of bed, I had to run an errand and I post-poned it until I couldn't. My head started to ache again. Made the dinner for me and my sister, if I hadn't things to do and if I lived by myself I would probably stayed in bed.

I've never heard of that before... trying to sleep with one eye open???

[Sunflower123]

Having a really bad day. My thoughts are dark.

Hugs to all who are struggling.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Sorry to hear it

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

I've never heard of that before... trying to sleep with one eye open???

It is just an expression, translating expressions may be tricky.
It's used to describe when you can't fully relax and you are waiting for something. Like a caveman sleeping and at the same time looking for threats.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Oh, I feel silly now

I have a phone call tonight with someone important.... Life keeps going and right now I know that's good. I can handle it. I'll allow myself at most a month to rest after I graduate, but I think I'll get bored and depressed after that, which is good. I have high standards and I shouldn't let myself get in the way.

I like the chase. I can't get tired since I love it so much.

I'm feeling fine but at some point I feel dread. I'm tired of going ahead of my life just doing stuff just to surivive. Why can't I just enjoy my life? I'm doing my best to cope.

[nikon]

sending strength to everyone

i'm really struggling. swinging between depression and rage, last night i had a bad altercation with a motorist and probably came close to having an accident, where, as someone on a motorbike, i would have come off worse. a lot of the time i'm struggling to concentrate while i'm' driving and don't register what colour traffic lights are until the last moment. i emailed my psychiatrist to ask if i can do anything medication-wise to ease this - all of it. yesterday i used an online crisis chat but it's just the same as everything; talking about why i'm so down (there isn't a why), what helps (i can't find anything that helps), or how to sit it out just makes it feel worse. if i had been fully honest with my dr and therapist for the past few weeks i would have been in hospital already. from previous experiences my mind works along the lines of "i've learned my lesson, it's a bad idea to be totally honest about my thoughts because of the consequences".

[Sunflower123]

Nikon - I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. I hope things even out for you and you start feeling better. Depression and rage is a painful combination. Thinking of you.

[Kote]

Yesterday was a good day. Best weekday I've had in a long time. Going to try to keep up the momentum today. Not going great so far as I look at the news and just get bummed out at the state of things. But I'm going shopping for all my Thanksgiving ingredients with my family later tonight after work so at least I have something to look forward to.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by nikon

sending strength to everyone

i'm really struggling. swinging between depression and rage, last night i had a bad altercation with a motorist and probably came close to having an accident, where, as someone on a motorbike, i would have come off worse. a lot of the time i'm struggling to concentrate while i'm' driving and don't register what colour traffic lights are until the last moment. i emailed my psychiatrist to ask if i can do anything medication-wise to ease this - all of it. yesterday i used an online crisis chat but it's just the same as everything; talking about why i'm so down (there isn't a why), what helps (i can't find anything that helps), or how to sit it out just makes it feel worse. if i had been fully honest with my dr and therapist for the past few weeks i would have been in hospital already. from previous experiences my mind works along the lines of "i've learned my lesson, it's a bad idea to be totally honest about my thoughts because of the consequences".

Love to everyone on the thread.

I'm feeling pretty good today. Hope you are all having a decent one too.

That's a tough dilemma, Nikon. To me, if I wasn't being honest with a therapist, I'd feel it wasn't really worth going. I'm starting to understand the consequences you describe. And I don't underestimate them. I would hate to go into hospital. And, as you've said before, all the fallout from that.

Can you gently guide the t to shift the focus firmly back onto anger issues? At least then, you can be putting your effort into the right place.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Kote

Yesterday was a good day. Best weekday I've had in a long time. Going to try to keep up the momentum today. Not going great so far as I look at the news and just get bummed out at the state of things. But I'm going shopping for all my Thanksgiving ingredients with my family later tonight after work so at least I have something to look forward to.

Yes, I’ve had to start limiting my watching of the news. It can get overwhelming. Glad yesterday was a good day for you. Have fun shopping tonight!!!

[PsychNitrous]

I just don't want to face the world today. I wish I could go back home and curl up in bed again.

For the time being I'm trying to beat my S.A.D. I became very scared when I found myself in the beginning of it two days ago (it usually comes in the middle of November). Since then I have had two mornings in front of my light-box. This has given me hope that I will be able to take control over it!

[nikon]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

I'm feeling pretty good today. Hope you are all having a decent one too.

That's a tough dilemma, Nikon. To me, if I wasn't being honest with a therapist, I'd feel it wasn't really worth going. I'm starting to understand the consequences you describe. And I don't underestimate them. I would hate to go into hospital. And, as you've said before, all the fallout from that.

Can you gently guide the t to shift the focus firmly back onto anger issues? At least then, you can be putting your effort into the right place.

glad you're feeling good.
i know what you mean about it not being worth going, and i often sit with that inner conflict. a long time ago i was in long term inpatient treatment and i was outright honest about details of my thoughts when i got angry, and i was immediately kicked out. now, i'm not going to be kicked out of anything, but i've got hundreds of voices in my head telling me all the bad things about being honest again, disapproving of me etc. now i seem to have bottomless anger about those disapproving voices from the past, plus constant imaginary disapproving voices now, just feeling like being honest would be the biggest failure and worst idea possible.

i was more honest yesterday with my therapist but i just lose hope. trying to look at the past at what has helped me out of this state previously, there is nothing i have done personally that helped. each time it has been something like a drastic medical intervention. and that's what my imaginary voices disapprove of, because "i should be able to get myself out of this better". sorry for the long post.... not expecting people to read it all.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Kicked out for it? Jeez. I can see how you would have an almost-instinctive reluctance to being completely honest.

I totally empathise about the haranguing inner voices. I don't hear actual voices, like some people here. Or remembered phrases that were used by abusers, as others seem to.

Mine are so internalised that they're pretty hard to separate from myself.

The exact feeling is that they wouldn't even lower themselves to speak to me.

I'm not being lighthearted. That's how it is. At my worst, if you looked inside my head, you would basically see my face being squidged into the ground by a giant foot.

I've been like this all my adult life.

But I knew that, in spite of it, I wanted to HAVE a life.

There's our dilemma.

Sorry; there aren't any solutions in there. But I hope you'll feel a bit less alone.

[Deilla]

I'm doing alright today. I was up late last night playing with a new electronic device. I'm a little tired now. Gonna meditate then sleep. I need lots of rest now. I decided to quit vaping.

[Angelique67]

Well, this day was a total bust as far as getting to the opthalmologist appointment. I guess they will reschedule it, if they will even let me come anymore. I'm so depressed. I skipped the gym today again. I'm failing in every way. It wouldn't be fair to my friend if I moved away from here. He deserves to not have to pay for my life.

I spoke to my other friend last night and I think she said she has a treatment today. I hope so much that she will be well. I believe if anyone can, she can. She has incredible inner strength. She's a beautiful person inside and out. I love her so much.

Hoping my friends are having good days. I wish there were coffee in the lounge/solarium here. I think they're playing bingo in the dining room. I don't know how to play that. I kind of want to hang out in the lounge. But I'm not sure. I can't get rid of this headache.

[Rose76]

I'm awake. Now I have to push myself out the door, so I can fully wake up.