[nikon]

hope everyone is ok as they can be today

for once i do not feel terrible
just now i saw my therapist and beforehand i was feeling awful. this morning i slept again after i got up and felt exhausted, disorientated etc, and was having rage attacks and almost feeling sick with emotion. my therapist ended up asking questions towards different directions than we usually go in, and it felt like the first time i was being heard and listened to for a while.

sometimes i have really upsetting memories bothering me, at times of previous therapists i have seen, and i often feel like i can't talk to anyone about them because they will think i'm being silly and irrelevant. today it didn't feel like that. i actually cried afterwards, partly from relief, and it's the first time i've cried in months - i've had trouble crying for the past two years, only cried about twice in total.

lol, the only thing is i also feel apprehensive about this miraculous sudden shift in mood from despair to hopeful, because it seems to be so fickle, and i'm nervous that a tiny occurrence will flip me back just as easily.

[Kote]

I freaked out a little last night. My dad didn't get home until about 7:30 at night when he usually gets home between 5 and 6. And my mom stayed late to pick up some extra hours. My mind kept wandering to "what if there was an accident?" "what are you going to do?", etc. I don't know how to take care of a house. How do I pay the bills? Do my parents have life insurance? How do I know what needs repairing? My parents don't make a lot of money, but there's two of them so they can cover the bills. There's only one of me, I won't be able to afford it. My freak out only lasted about 20 minutes but it felt like forever.

Other than that and a couple other moments, I've had a pretty good string of days. Hope you all have a moment of peace today.

Yesterday morning was alright at work, though it had some weird things happen. The refrigerator near me didn't work and also the security doors that I use didn't work. I felt alright until 11:30 when my back started to hurt. I had off and on back pain since Saturday.

And around 1:30 yesterday I started to feel dizzy. I don't know where it came from. I had not had that in a long time. And then I was going to workout after work but decided not to because of the back pain and dizziness. It made me feel very bad. And last night, for some strange reason, I could not get into this board. I don't know what was going on. I don't if anyone else on here had the same problem. It was some kind of error message when I logged in.

I hope that today will be better than yesterday.

[Rose76]

I got enough sleep (even though I kept waking up.) So I should be able to get some things accomplished today.

Right now dealing with the morning depression.

[PsychNitrous]

Things are hitting me hard today. I didn't sleep well, at all, my head hurts, and I feel sick. I forgot to call last week about making a payment on my credit card, so now they're requiring the full payment to unlock my account. I had other plans for that money, but I need access to my bank accounts. It just hurts to be punished for a mistake, but it's my own fault. I just wish work would be over already so I can go home.

[regretful]

Rough day just got rougher...too many things are piling up, and the trap keeps on getting deeper and deeper...feeling like there is no way out, and the depression deepens. I am so tired of this happening, over and over.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by nikon

hope everyone is ok as they can be today

for once i do not feel terrible
just now i saw my therapist and beforehand i was feeling awful. this morning i slept again after i got up and felt exhausted, disorientated etc, and was having rage attacks and almost feeling sick with emotion. my therapist ended up asking questions towards different directions than we usually go in, and it felt like the first time i was being heard and listened to for a while.

sometimes i have really upsetting memories bothering me, at times of previous therapists i have seen, and i often feel like i can't talk to anyone about them because they will think i'm being silly and irrelevant. today it didn't feel like that. i actually cried afterwards, partly from relief, and it's the first time i've cried in months - i've had trouble crying for the past two years, only cried about twice in total.

lol, the only thing is i also feel apprehensive about this miraculous sudden shift in mood from despair to hopeful, because it seems to be so fickle, and i'm nervous that a tiny occurrence will flip me back just as easily.

It's really cool to hear you're not feeling so horrible today. You deserve it

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Hi to everyone on the thread. Hugs to those who are struggling. I'm still in good spirits (sorry). Hope yours lift a little very soon.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by regretful

Rough day just got rougher...too many things are piling up, and the trap keeps on getting deeper and deeper...feeling like there is no way out, and the depression deepens. I am so tired of this happening, over and over.

Do you think it's time to get a bit of psych help? (I know it's tricky etc). You don't sound good at all. Sending you my very best wishes.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Do you think it's time to get a bit of psych help? (I know it's tricky etc). You don't sound good at all. Sending you my very best wishes.

Thanks..considering it (help)...I'm appreciative of the support and best wishes. Taking a different approach than I did a few years back. Help is expensive, but it just might be time to at least look at it again.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I'm really pleased
It's hard to know if I should mention it when I see a fellow member who seems to be declining in spirits. But I think we've all noticed a change in you, R. Yes, it's expensive here too. But even a 6 week course (if you can manage that) can do wonders.

Very slow day at work today, but I guess that's to be expected. There had been some ups and downs about whether or not I should come to work on Friday. For the first time in many years the company I'm at does not observe the Friday after Thanksgiving. The maintenance man, at first, asked me if I'm coming in. He said that if I decided to come in, then he'd take Friday off. Well today it turns out he has to come in on Friday, so now I don't have to. I feel guilty about him working. It's no use to come on Friday since no one will be there and there would be nothing for me to do.

I worked out today and it went well. I was scared since yesterday I had some pains and dizziness. Not much of that today. Went to the pool area tonight and no one was there, much to my surprise. I thought there would be some people there being such a warm night and a holiday.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by will19

Very slow day at work today, but I guess that's to be expected. There had been some ups and downs about whether or not I should come to work on Friday. For the first time in many years the company I'm at does not observe the Friday after Thanksgiving. The maintenance man, at first, asked me if I'm coming in. He said that if I decided to come in, then he'd take Friday off. Well today it turns out he has to come in on Friday, so now I don't have to. I feel guilty about him working. It's no use to come on Friday since no one will be there and there would be nothing for me to do.


I worked out today and it went well. I was scared since yesterday I had some pains and dizziness. Not much of that today. Went to the pool area tonight and no one was there, much to my surprise. I thought there would be some people there being such a warm night and a holiday.

I am glad that you were able to exercise despite the pain and dizziness from the previous day.
I am sorry that there weren’t any people at the pool area. I agree, it would be nice to share the evening in a relatively mellow week.

[sky457]

Don’t want to see my family. Depressed about it

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

Got through my shift today, which was my main goal. I find my depression and anxiety and negative thinking often make an 8 hour shift seem like a mountain, when really it's not that bad. When I take it in increments of 2 hours at a time, it does help. I'm glad to be home though, lots of walking and lifting done today!

I don't do 8 hours but a couple of hours is torture for me sometimes. It's my anxiety and jealously.

[katydid777]

Good morning everyone. Today we have to go to my in laws so they can all see our Son, and his Girlfriend, who will most likely be our Daughter in law. I don't feel like going, I am so warn out, and Monday I have to have that infusion, so I am a bit anxious about that. I guess I will have to suck it all up, and put my big girl panty's on. I wish I had the energy for all of this, but between me and you all I will be glad when the weekend is here, and things slow down. Don't get me wrong, I Love my Son, and Grace being here, it is just so tiring. I hope you all have a Wonderful Thanksgiving, and I will talk with you all this weekend.

[nikon]

hope everyone is surviving the day as best they can

i'm a lot calmer still today since seeing my therapist yesterday, which is a huge relief. I visited friends this morning and talked a lot to them too. i think i often tell myself i'm not allowed to feel certain things or think certain things and that causes a lot of inner conflict and pain. i'm not sure i actually realise how much pain that causes.

a few years ago i had an experience in rehab, long-term inpatient rehab, where i idolised the therapists, and trusted them implicitly. i believed everything they said because i saw them as total authorities on everything. after leaving, i have had a growing feeling that it was not the safe place i thought it was at the time, and that a lot of the time there i was very scared of falling out of favour with the therapists. i have told myself so many times that i'm not allowed to talk about it, or can't feel that way, because doing so would be ungrateful, or stupid, or nobody would believe me etc. yesterday i just started talking about it a little and it was such a relief.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by sky457

Don’t want to see my family. Depressed about it

I’m sorry you are struggling right now. You can always step away and vent or post here for support during your visit. Sending you best wishes and positive vibes for the holidays and for your visit with your family.

[Patagonia]

Horrid nite last nite. Too much time alone in my head. And I did something I haven't done since college.

(Trigger Warning!)
I lined up all my absolute favorite classical songs on google & played them! Classical music brings me back to a very difficult suicidal time in my life. My playlist I'd call "music to slit your wrists by."

(Done)

What I realized I had done was cut this gorgeous, soul moving music out of my life bec it made me trigger all these evil voices, thoughts & images, but I'd totally forgotten how magical & delicious these pieces of music are for me! It's almost trancelike. Chopin's Nocturne still brings me to my knees & I was so overtaken by the music again I couldn't even cry. I wanted to so very badly, but somehow it was swept.....away....like witnessing a resurrection.

So I guess I need to find a new trigger to get myself to cry & sob. I can't seem to do it & sometimes crying, to me, can be very cathartic

[regretful]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

I'm really pleased
It's hard to know if I should mention it when I see a fellow member who seems to be declining in spirits. But I think we've all noticed a change in you, R. Yes, it's expensive here too. But even a 6 week course (if you can manage that) can do wonders.

Fine to mention it...let's me know that people are reading it, and it really feels like a supportive forum. As for the return to therapy, I'll keep you posted.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by regretful

Fine to mention it...let's me know that people are reading it, and it really feels like a supportive forum. As for the return to therapy, I'll keep you posted.

Please know people are reading it and are thinking of you and sending you best wishes.

[regretful]

As for today...a bit better than yesterday, as depression, for me, leads to catastrophic thinking. Doing the best that I can to avoid that, and I'm sincerely wishing all of you/us a moment or two of peace today.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Please know people are reading it and are thinking of you and sending you best wishes.

Thank you very much. I do have support in life outside of online forums, but reading the support from kindred spirits is very helpful.

[PsychNitrous]

Tired and sad today. I have no drive to do anything. Just getting to work and sitting down made me feel so down.

[Rose76]

Trying to get some more sleep. Not very hopeful about today.