Constant Thoughts of Death

Hello everyone,

After I entered my current relapse of psychotic depression, came with it the recurrent thoughts about death. I wind up not being able to shake these thoughts, and they are usually myself wondering what it would be like to be dead, how everyone would react if I was dead, and just a persistent thought about death in general.

My psychologist (recently started working with him) misinterprets this as me having intentions to commit suicide, when in reality I have no intention of that at all. It is simply just a recurring thought I have every day that I cannot shake away, and stresses me out. These death thoughts then trigger my anxiety so I wind up having panic attacks. Very annoying haha.

I was just wondering if anyone else was having these feelings too, and maybe what the best course of action would be for me to try when these thoughts happen.

Thanks!

I used to think about death alllll the time. I wasn't suicidal either, but my mind was just like captivated by death. I couldn't drive anywhere without imagining myself being killed in a car crash. I agree that u can think about death all the time and not want to die. My therapist called it "dark thoughts". I was really distressed over it. I felt like i was terrorizing myself all the time. I couldn't stop it.

It helped me to accept that the thoughts didn't have meaning or power. I realized that my brain was in a compromised state. The kind of state of danger and tragedy, even though there wasn't any actual danger or tragedy. So my brain made things up to make the real world match itself.

One day I was driving along and I just kind of had an epiphany. I had been contemplating the difference between reality and imagination. We think we know the difference, but our imaginations are very vivid and convincing. Anyway, I realized I was imagining a bunch of stuff that didn't exist in reality.

So since I knew my dark thoughts were imaginary, I decided to make it extra obvious to my mind that they were imaginary when they came up. So I made an imaginary place in my mind that I called the "everything is bad and wrong world" kinda like some imaginary alternate universe where I die in a car crash 40 times a day while my house is burning down.

So when my mind spit out thoughts of a car crash, I would imagine myself like looking thru a window into that imaginary world where everything is bad and wrong. And then I would be like ok, that's obviously imaginary. What is real? And I would look at what I would see and hear and smell and feel in that moment. And it was obvious that everything in the real world was ok.

So I did that consistently for a few days and then the thought just kind of quit coming up. It's like my mind realized the game wasn't worth playing anymore.

I still have an ugly thought once a week or something, but it doesn't bother me now. It doesn't have any power and it's super easy to just brush off like the thousands of other mostly meaningless thoughts I have each day about whatever.

Yes. Constantly. Sometimes it's comforting, other times it's hell.

Thank you for this It's definitely distressing to think about death so often, and I'm not suicidal at all. I am hoping these thoughts slowly fade away

Recently mine has been more like hell, it's hard to properly function in a room when you've already imagined the dozens of ways you could die here, and pictured what life would be like if you actually were dead. I'm hoping for the best for both of us!

Just wanted to post an update. The thoughts of death have not been as overwhelming as they were previously, I still have the thoughts and I imagine every way I might die, but I assume I can power through these thoughts. I'm still not suicidal so that's good. Just hoping that my medications get figured out

Psychotic depression is hard as far as death thoughts. Your counselors will freak out 99% of the time until they get used to your "patterns" (that's how I refer to them of suicidality.

Generally, for me ..there is a "hmm, yea - death would be nice" (stage 1); "I wish I could die, why can't I die?" (stage 2); "I am tired of life - I am going to figure a way out of this.. preferably with minimal pain to others" - plans begin (stage 3) "I don't care about anyone anymore, they don't care about me, so why should I them?" - plans without care of who gets hurt begin (stage 4); choose the plan that seems most likely to succeed n attempt or just get tired n randomly attempt (stage 5)

I always communicated well with my counselors so they could understand the subtle changes n recognize them as well as I did so I did not end up spending 90% of my session time defending my emotion n just trying to be heard.

I too have psychotic depression so I know the frustration on this.

For me, medications only helped "a little" ... relaxation techniques n essential oils were eventually what got me through.

Thank you! My Psychologist is super worried about me killing myself, and I have a hard time just explaining that I'm not suicidal. He winds up wanting to meet for a check-in just a couple of days after my appointment. It gets annoying because I have a hard time explaining my feelings. The way you explained the steps is almost exactly how it goes for me, too.

I finally just told my counselor those steps point blank - told her which stage I felt I was in, and that I was looking for advice.

It was the only way I could see to cut "the nonsense". It worked. If she saw me sinking - and could not determine exactly what stage I was in, she would ask. If I faltered on explaining, she knew I was in a danger zone. So - that's my best suggestion.

*hugs*

Hope it helps ❤

I meet with my Psychologist again this coming Tuesday so if he asks me if I am having suicidal thoughts, I will just tell him something similar to what you had suggested.

Hope it is helpful ❤

I'll post a comment later today after my appointment

He didn't ask if I was thinking about death, so I guess that's good for me. It was more of just a quick update to see how I have been since my last appointment.

Did you feel any better or worse this time when you went in than last time?

I feel worse than the last time I met with him, but the death thoughts are definitely a lot lower. Just my anxiety and depression have been worsened.

Why are they worse - n how is it you feel depression is "worse" if suicidality is "less"?

I constantly think about dying. I know I won't actually hurt myself but I do get the feeling of wanting to die. It's gone way down lately, so I don't actually want to die, but I do think about it a lot. What would be the least painful way for me to die for my family (if that makes any sense)? How would the people in my life react? How long would it take for them to move on and not cry every time they think about me? I usually just power through it or wait it out. Hope you feel better.

Seems like perhaps - you are moving "backwards" thru the depression chain ... So you are feeling the "extreme pain" of the previous stage, while feeling diminishing pain from the current stage.

If that's true - it's actually a sign of improvement - and is good, even tho still painful. I hope you will continue to improve. ❤

This is just what I think about too, my mind starts to wander.

Definitely hard to explain how my depression feels worse but I am thinking less about death. I guess it is just because the other symptoms of depression are stronger, compared to them being weaker with the death thoughts being super heightened.

My persistent thoughts about death were originally fading away, but recently hey have come back. It's distressing to be walking down a busy street, and thinking about what would happen if you were hit by a car and died. I still am not suicidal, but I still can't shake these thoughts of death

Have you noticed if any particular types of things trigger you into the "lower moods"?

I have not noticed any triggers. 3 years ago during my last psychotic depressive episode, myself and everyone working to get me back on track, we could not figure out any triggers. It just kind of randomly appeared. What contributed to it was moving into a new school back then, and now it was triggered when I started college. The random lowered moods just seem to come and go, and the thoughts of death seem to follow the same pattern. So, I'm honestly not sure.

The trigger is when it begins ..
So that would be the change of schools

Can you think of a reason that would bother you?

Most likely just because it is a new place, new people, new experience. It is a big change in my life, so I guess it triggers it. This will be interesting to see going forward since I plan on earning my PhD, so I will have to switch schools at least one more time, and then of course the big change of getting a job. Hopefully I can keep on top of it before it ruins me next time. I think I am nearing the end of the current episode so that is good.