Why does it matter?

My mom died when I was 12.
I have no friends except online.
As far as my family - only one cousin speaks to me on a regular basis.
So .. I keep trying to verify in my mind who I truly matter to.
That's the best I can answer that.

I "feel" sad - but think maybe its just cuz I didn't sleep well, so chalking it up to being tired.
You?

I'm good right now, thanks.

Really sorry you lost your mum so young.

I lost my whole family 3 years ago. Not dead, just not speaking, and I think it's permanent. It nearly killed me. But I got tired of being lonely. I stepped out and took a chance. I re-met Brenda, who I was friends with years ago. She's not only my best friend, I am hers. She has her own reasons for being lonely. She taught me to have fun again. It takes GUTS to step out, and I had to take a LOT of time to get on my feet again. YOU DO MATTER, and maybe it's each of our responsibility to do the best we can with the life we are given. I am here for you. I do get it.

Glad to hear you are doing well

I am 43 now so its been awhile since her passing - but ty

You misunderstand a bit of what I am saying. I never have said it is anyone else's responsibility to keep me alive. I was asked a specific question regarding how others would feel. Truth be told - I don't know. There are someone online friends I have who care - but how would they know of my death? They would likely just think I abandoned them and be mad until they forgot about me. That's hard to hear n I know they would likely argue it - but it is still a very probable truth.

I don't know if you read my entire post or not. I don't feel this way from loneliness. I feel this way from a lifetime of abuse by different ppl at different times in different ways - but time periods close enough together to count as a continual cycle of abuse. Now - this finally stopped 3 years ago - only to restart again now.

That's the safety and problem of anonymous forums. Most of us would have no way of knowing.

I can't speak for anyone else. I can say I wouldn't be mad. I would wonder whatever became of you. You have so much to deal with. I would be more concerned that you might have abandoned yourself in some way.

Definitely not mad.

CepheidVariable pretty much said it right.

And honestly with me, I'd just be worried. And I'd miss seeing you around here.

I'm new here, but Crypts, if I can call you that, did you know you are a good writer? There is a link between depression and SMARTS, CREATIVITY, and other WONDERFUL things.

Good point. You are!

You can call me Crypts, COTM, Mind, or any of a dozen other things ppl call me - some not so nice, lol - I answer to it all. ❤

Thank you for saying I am a good writer. I did recognize the link btwn depression n creativity, yes- the rest, no.

It is good to meet you. ❤

Thank you ❤

I'm new here and didn't mean to sound as if I'm trivializing your pain. I've been through a lot; a rape, domestic violence, and my family stuff. I often feel like well, here it comes again. I have just recently realized the value of life, and I'm excited about it. But feeling that hasn't kept me from wondering how the heck do I do this? How do I live? But I do feel strongly that we touch others lives SO much more than we think. I worked in a soup kitchen and a homeless guy, Jeff came in to eat. He was so quiet. But when he was there, we knew it. He ended his life and we missed him. There is more to us than just a bag of flesh. There is a spirit that you can feel, and miss. I hope we can keep talking. I'd like to get to know you.

You did not really trivialize my pain - just misunderstood parts of it. That's why I explained it better for you. I too have been raped - on 3 different occasions, my violin teacher tried to molest me, I was sexually harassed to the point of physical safety, emotionally neglected, verbally n emotionally n psychologically abused, some slight physical abuse, forced to give my only child up for adoption through no fault of my own, and victim to armed robbery. Yes, I too have been through many things. There comes a point in your life When you are just - tired. It isn't that I don't understand everyone has an impact on everyone else. I do. That's one of the reasons I do not suicide - though not a main reason. It is just that I am plain tired. I had 3 yrs of rest from all of this kind of treatment. To think of going back to it - is to much. I am 43. It started when my mom died when I was 12. I am worn. I want a life or I want a death. I no longer want torment. To give me life n then snatch it away after 3 years is cruel. I did nothing to deserve it. I do not have the strength I once possessed. That's all.

I didn't realize what you all have been through

You're a wonderful person, Crypts. You didn't deserve to get through all of that. Often the worst things happen to the best people

I dealt with it then - I just don't want to deal with abuse again. I'm tired.

Thank you for your kind words Mickey. You're a wonderful person too. ❤

It's been quite awhile since I spoke of it. *hugs* ❤

I was trying to see where I spoke of it when I was really hurting - I don't think it was in this forum. Probably in another I went to before this.

.............

Thanks Purple,Violet,Blue