It's not your fault

that I've gone away. It's nothing that anyone has said. It's just my bloody monster again, ruining my life as it always has, at the most unfortunate moment.

Concidentally, I see the pain clinic on Wednesday. I've been praying for this help for months and yet hoping that this day would never come. I swore that no surgeon would ever lay hands on me again, ever hurt me again. I expect to be hurt, boys and girls, badly. Nothing can save me from it, not Doug, not Father Lindsay, not my psychiatrist, not my anti-depressants. I doubt that even God could save me at this point.

It's gotten so bad that I don't want my attendants near me because when they help me to get dressed or get into the shower, they hurt me. I don't want them giving me Peri-care either. I don't want the nurses near me with a cathetar either. The vast majority of the time, when another human being touches me, pain is the result.

I was talking to Jesus in church today and telling him how I couldn't go on. And Father Lindsay tracked me down in the back of the church, where I was pretending to sleep, so no one would disturb me. He squatted down next to me, asked me if I were OK. I nearly lost it right there, nearly cried and I told him just how bad things were.

He still thinks emotional healing can take place. Tried to be encouraging about the pain clinic.

He touched me at the end of the conversation and I must have froze or jumped or something because he asked if he had hurt me as I was leaving. He wasn't touching a painful part of my body and yet I reacted as if he were. Father Lindsay is the least threatning man I know. I've had him in my home. He has a wonderful sense of humor.

Yet I flinched when he touched me...why? He's not even medical personnel and I flinched. What's going on?

It all seems pretty hopeless right now. If I were to have nightmares about anything, it would be about what I'm living through now.

I don't know whether to stay or leave here any more. Just wanted to let you know it's none of your faults if I do. It's mine. I'm not strong enough to deal with this alone. I feel horribly alone. All my friends and family are hundreds of miles away and I'm going through a medical nightmare...just like Montreal, only worse. Montreal all over again.

Not again. Nuts. Peanut butter and jelly nuts. Not again.

(Nuts...my new four-letter word)

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

I'm glad to see you on here!!!

(((((((((((((((((((Hamstergirl)))))))))))))))))))...

Most fondly, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

It's not your fault, Hamster Girl. You have no control over your pain and emotional distress.

In my search to understand why I feel so worthless and depressed, I came across a book about people who are extreme sensitives. They are simply more affected by everything in their environment, and need lots of alone and quiet time to recuperate. Perhaps that's you. I(I'm pretty sure it's me.)

I don't think it's a big deal that you flinched when this kindly man touched you. Lots of people jump just because they are not expecting a touch or a voice at a particular time.

I think you are beautiful, and I feel privilleged that you have shared your heart with us with such honesty.

I hope that you will choose to continue with the forum, but if you don''t find it supportive, I undertstand.

Hamstergirl,
I understand why you are considering leaving for awhile. I too have a left this board a few times because I just felt like everything in my life was too much to do this. However, I can honestly tell you that leaving does not help. Even when you feel like you cant post anything you can always post something..and that is why we are here.
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Please know that we are here but only if you let us be.

Stay strong,


<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

I probably am an extreme sensituve and being in and out of hospital half my life has a great deal to do with it. I am so scared of people that sometimes I will follow the Mass while sitting in a corner, facing the wall, so the congregation can not see me and I won't have to explain to them why I feel unsafe. All to fulfil my Sunday obligations. (Church is a duty for Catholics).

I am such a physical wreck. I need all my emotional strength to deal with this and it isn't there. I am fighting off suicidal surges regularly now. This is not the life I wanted for myself. I was hoping that at least I would be emotionally stable, if I could not be physically whole.

I have been denied even this and I do not understand why. I am trying not to be angry at God for this, but it is very hard. I have never been openly suicidal before. I was always "Happy Go Lucky" Shelley. Now look at me. I've weakened and it hurts. It's my fault that I cannot find the strength within myself to go on. I do not have the courage to face the doctors. With my parents, it was different. I had no choice but to deal with them and hide my fear. Now that I am apart, I see myself for who I really am: a coward. (I am a coward for a reason. Go into Grief and Loss to discover what started this mess. I wasn't this terrified of the doctors before that incident. And I was only able to write down part of the story. I wasn't able to do the rest and it is still in my mind. It still haunts me. If I write it down, it will all come flooding back. It will happen again.)

Thank you for calling me "beautiful". You are in agreement with someone else who is very dear to me. We have had disagreements as to whether I am beautiful. Hearing it from a stranger who has not been here that long and probably hasn't read much of my work...that makes it hard to dispute.

BTW I just started posting on BPD world. They have separate message folders for triggering and suicidal topics. I like their style.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

Hamster,
I hope you continue to post. You are very inspirational an amazing writer. I am a special ed teacher and have come in contact with many people with CP. I don't know how you feel, but know that I could learn something from you.

Meachie

"He touched me at the end of the conversation and I must have froze or jumped or something because he asked if he had hurt me"

I'm wondering if you've ever been diagnosed "tactile defensive." That may be an explanation why everything seems to hurt so much, including the gentle touch of a priest.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Is it my imagination, or am I being ignored? It's not only this thread, Hamstergirl. It seems that you never answer any of my well-meaning posts. I haven't been rude, I don't think.




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

I'm sorry, September. It's my fault. I'm working on replying on more of the posts, but I have a habit of isolating myself from EVERYONE. It's not just you. I even do it in the church.

It's the way I deal with rejection; avoid it by isolating completely. You'd know what I mean if you saw me interacting in church or should I say, NOT interacting. And Father Lindsay knows about it, because the last time he saw me in the corner and heard I wasn't waiting for the bathroom, he sent me BACK into the church.

I've been isolating myself for 11 years, 22 hours a day with no human contact. The pain has forced me out into the open, at considerable stress to me. I'm not that good about replying in the threads because once I start something, I fade into the background. I don't like being in the spotlight.

I have a horrible case of stage fright. I will only cry when alone usually. I spent much of this morning screaming.

The caveat is I was screaming while biting down on a pair of pajama pants to muffle the sound so the neighbours couldn't hear me. (I needed the permission of a friend to actually do this.) He said do anything as long as I didn't hurt myself and let my parents win.

I came dangerously close to letting them win. I am having my first meal since visiting Patrick. I haven't had a good meal since. I only needed to think of a negative in my life to stop me from eating and I didn't have to go far....it hurts just to sit. I came dangerously close to throwing in the towel and telling no one. Doug was eventually told, but afterwards I had a spiritual awakening of sorts in the church and decided that it would be a good idea to stick around...for the moment...for no reason.
I am very confused as to why I should live at this point, but I just got the idea that I didn't have to die.

Someone is watching over me, I won't say who. But he's protecting me and he isn't Santa Claus!

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

Your post made me smile today, ((((((((((((Hamstergirl))))))))))); I needed that so much just now = Thank You!!

Most fondly, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

Thanks for responding, Hamstergirl. At first read, your post concerned me but after reading it again, I get a sense of movement on your part. It's a good thing.

Would you read three posts previous and answer my question? It would really help me understand. There's no way I can imagine the pain you are in.

xoxoxo




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Hello Hamster Girl -- I'm still reading, caring, sending you hugs and love.