Still depressed and can't use my brain

I think even after all this time and meds that I'm still depressed. Will call doc and let her know I want to up meds. Worse though is I can't think! I never lose at Rummy and I never lose at Boggle and I'm losing constantly. On top of that my anxiety has been high. It's in my body, hard to explain. I go back to work next monday. It's a very demanding job I have been at for 15 years, can I do it? O have to think and remember for my job. Very complex stuff. I can't say that I'm sad, really blah. Wouldn't do much of anything if I didn't have to. No nap today either. Mowed lawns and did banking all morning and took the girls to the beach. Took me two hours to get them in the water. aghh teenagers! What's wrong with me? I want to be okay and I am working so damned hard.

Wisewoman,

As has been said in many posts; you are not alone. Every day I wonder what the h*ll is wrong with me? I have been in therapy for 12 years and haven't been able to feel better about myself and the issues I have; how sad is that. Every day I battle myself; it takes me soooo long to do the easiest tasks ( when I think about them my brain actually hurts)and takes my time away my kids. I have been told that I won't feel better until I am truly ready. Truly ready; of course I want to the is pain sucks the life out of you. Then I am told you are not ready; what you need to realize is that it is easier to stay miserable than to make the necessary changes in your life. Talk about mind boggling; who wants to cry everyday and feel like they are worthless?
I did not plant one flower this year; my lawn looks as dreary as I feel. scrambled. I haven't work 6 years; I am a stay at home mother, though I don't think that is the way to describe me; more like a blob. . Financially my family really needs me to go back to work; work I can't even put the laundry away without being confused. I know we are not suppose to get down about ourselves. It is so hard to be apart of other peoples world when your mind is scrambled and you can't follow a conversation without feeling like you don't compare to them.
Hang in there; have you gone to any support groups? Have you tried any workbooks? Sometimes these help people tremendously more than other things.
A support group that is available all over the US is the
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance dbsalliance.com; check them out.
keep in touch; it seems we have alot in common

I don't believe what people say about feeling better when you are ready. It's like someone told a friend of mine that if she were emotionally ready her stomach cancer would be cured. That comment caused my now deceased friend a lot of agony. I am ready, have been ready. Am working my tail off to do the right stuff to feel like a functional human again. My brain chemistry never had a chance to develop normally as I was tortured from day one. But I, am a good, caring, kind person who tries hard and wants to feel better. Yes, I make mistakes and I have done and do some bad things but I am wanting to just have joyful feelings with out the depression and anxiety. How much more ready can I possibly be? I do what the doc and t tell me, I eat good food, though not much of it, I drink water, I swim, I play with my animals, I take care of my family. Where the hell is the joy?

Wise,
Have you tried to do anything to feel better? You talked about things you did for the daughter. What about you? Why don't you do your favorite thing this evening. Today I went out into my garden, didn't want to. I forced myself to do something I love and I must admit I do feel better even though it was hard for a while. I went out there saying to myself I will just see what needs to get done. Then I pulled a weed and then another. I got annoyed and irritated with myself because I let it go and I really had a lot to do. After a while the seratonin started going in my brain I think because I forgot all my issues and was on a mission to get my garden back in tip top shape. Give up on boggle and rummy for a while. There are just games anyways. Did you call your doctor? I really hope you get feeling better soon.

Meachie

That is definitely part of depression.

I don't think I am particularly attractive or noteworthy, but I've always felt intelligent, witty sense of humor, good memory (just love to sit around with friends and discuss old Bugs Bunny cartoons... (remember "shh! Leopold! Leopold!" and anyone know what that was a reference to?)

My memory really went south with the depression. Couldn't remember things I was doing while I was in the middle of doing them. Couldn't concentrate. Would watch comedies on TV, where I used to think "I should be a comedy writer" I found myself thinking "I could never write like that, think of a joke like that".

For a period of time I actually "forgot" how to read numbers. That was scary. It wasn't like dyslexia... people would be asking me for account numbers on the phone or giving me telephone numbers and I couldn't be sure I wasn't giving them the right number or writing it down correctly. I was writing proper number symbols but wasn't sure they were for the number they were supposed to represent. It was like that pattern matching part of my brain that worked for numbers just shut off.

Now THAT was scary.

The whole idea of not being "smart" anymore was scary. But it did start to come back, and by now I feel if not all the way there, that at least I will be back there at some point. I catch the Bugs Bunny references that are thrown out when I talk to people, and I think you can tell on the board that my sense of humor has been beginning to come back.

I know it is a scary feeling but it is not permanent. It is a symptom of depression and will pass with the other horrible symptoms once you begin to heal.

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--http://www.idexter.com

thanks folks. I really am not happy with this depression ******. Upped my ssri today. Thanks for the support. In answer to the question about do I do things for me? I don't know what I want to do. I got the lawn mowed, that was cool. I watched spiderman 2 tonight with my daughter and a friend and had a good time but never would have gone if they had not asked. I need to create. Need to make my wool felt. I'll try tomorrow

See that's depression for you. You know how difficult to get motivated is and especially to follow through. But you mowed the lawn! You got some air and sun, some excersise (all good treatments for depression, by the way) and got something accomplished. I hope the lawn was tall before you mowed it, that way every day for a while when you look at how nicely groomed it is now you can have some lasting sense of accomplishment from it.

"Yea but they had to ask" is only a "negative" when depression gets in the way. People could, and have, asked me from the get-go "hey come see a movie, come see us, let us visit you" the isolation of depression kept me from doing any of that. If I had just once accepted an invitation it would have been a huge accomplishment for me, and maybe I wouldn't be in such a predicament now with no one left calling and no one left who'll answer my calls.

(Except Kevin... he's coming over to help me clean my gutters in the next few days.)

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--http://www.idexter.com

Thanks Dex, It feels like I don't know who I am or what I want right now. It's a long story but I think the depression is a result of years of overload among other things. I don't know how to act or what to say. It's just tiring. I know you get it. Thanks

wow dave.........i had the same problem as you with numbers for a stretch of time.........thanks for sharing that......i reall thought i was going nutty...lol........julia