[cryingontheinside]

So I've posted a few times recently that I can't cope and I don't want to live . I got alot of support from you all and thank you for that . One of the things I mentioned was that I stopped taking my medication . Well I took everyone's advice and I made myself take my meds today .

So now I'm going to be brave and talk about what's really going on with me.
I stay at home all the time because I can't face people seeing me . I am alone and extremely depressed . I have borderline personality but to me it feels like I have severe long term depression. I have basically been depressed since my teenage years . I have been diagnosed with an eating disorder yet I am overweight . When I was a teenager I was anorexic , now I can't seem to stop eating . There does seem to be psychological reasons around me and food . My physical health is getting bad because of my weight . But my depression is also worse because of my weight and how I look and how people judge those who are over wieght . I barely go out because of my depression and because I am ashamed of my weight but when I last sent to my mum's to house sit , I was leaving in a taxi because I am to anxious to be around people in public transport , well one of her neighbours shouted out the window at me to go on a diet which only confirms to me that I shouldn't be seen in public and that I should continue to hide from the world .

I am too depressed to look after my children . I can't take care of myself so how can I take care of them ? What kind of life would they have living with me ? They are both teenagers. I am worried about both of them . My younger daughter is 13 and lives with my mum . She can be naughty . My mum keeps saying she can't cope with her . My older daughter is 16 and has autism . Her dad is saying he can't cope with her . I love them so much and I am so upset and worried . If I wasn't sick I could take them both with me. Now I am angry with myself for being ill . If I was well none of this would be a problem. There for it is all my fault . My daughter's do come and stay with me some times . I cook for them and watch movies for them but don't take them anywhere because I can't do that . They love me and I love them . I am more depressed because both the people they are living with keep saying they can't cope . How can I fix this when I can't even look after myself or face going out ? They both have the same dad . But he put my younger daughter in care after she said to social services that his gf hits her . I tried to get custody but my mental health was an issue so she went to live with my mum but she is naughty to my mum and my mum can't cope . And he can't cope with my older daughter because of her needing extra support because of her learning disabilities and his work .
I hate myself so much . I don't know what to do . If only I could get better then everything would be ok .

[Fuzzybear]

I don’t know what support you are receiving from the “services” ... (other than the usual which isn’t even an option for me ).. it’s hard or impossible for people to get better without proper support . But it can be done (DBT online etc?) Talking about it here is a good start. (sorry I’m not more help, I don’t like the way the N.S treats so many with MI )

((((((( hugs )))))))

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry for all you are going through.

Are you being treated for depression?
Do you see a therapist?

I am sorry if I am asking about facts you have shared in a different thread. There are many members and many threads.

When I am feeling overwhelmed, I try to change just one thing in order to care for myself better. I usually choose diet because it's relatively easy to manipulate foods/diet.

Maybe choose one thing you'd like to change. Maybe something like getting up earlier, taking up a hobby... anything healthy. You will likely see that you can achieve things and may feel inspired to add another goal?

I hear you as you share your love for your daughters. It sounds like the best thing you can do for them is to work on being happy with yourself?

Keep posting!


WC

[Shazerac]

I’m glad you finally opened up and let us in

You are doing the best you can under difficult circumstances. I’m super happy that you decided to go back on meds. Beating ourselves up for perceived failings is so prevalent with mental disorders. I’ve made myself laugh in some of my darkest hours by fantasizing that I went on line to Amazon and purchased a kicking machine so all I have to do is push a button and beat the crap out of myself.

[marvin_pa]

Thanks for sharing what's going on. Many here will have been through similar trials & would offer support based off their own experiences, but knowing stuff helps, too.

I'm glad you started on the meds again - it's a positive step forwards, so congratulate yourself!

As for that neighbour - sadly it's the thoughtless, unnecessary cruelty of folks like that that consistently cause me to rate humanity in general, as barely above disappointing. Blessed are the ignorant, for they know not what they're missing...

[Kaysey]

You did a good thing for yourself by starting up your meds again. Good for you! It might be helpful for you to try therapy if you haven’t . You could target your eating issues and depression. It also would give you a reason to get out of the house. I certainly know how hard all of this is. You should be proud that you’ve made the first step in the right direction by starting your meds again.

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I don’t know what support you are receiving from the “services” ... (other than the usual which isn’t even an option for me ).. it’s hard or impossible for people to get better without proper support . But it can be done (DBT online etc?) Talking about it here is a good start. (sorry I’m not more help, I don’t like the way the N.S treats so many with MI )

((((((( hugs )))))))

Supposedly I have a care-co-irdinator but she hasn't contacted me for 2 months . I'm going to contact her and tell her how hard life is

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am sorry for all you are going through.

Are you being treated for depression?
Do you see a therapist?

I am sorry if I am asking about facts you have shared in a different thread. There are many members and many threads.

When I am feeling overwhelmed, I try to change just one thing in order to care for myself better. I usually choose diet because it's relatively easy to manipulate foods/diet.

Maybe choose one thing you'd like to change. Maybe something like getting up earlier, taking up a hobby... anything healthy. You will likely see that you can achieve things and may feel inspired to add another goal?

I hear you as you share your love for your daughters. It sounds like the best thing you can do for them is to work on being happy with yourself?

Keep posting!


WC

I stopped taking my meds . I didn't take them for about 6 weeks but yesterday I forced myself to take it . It's for my depression. When I took it I got sick . I guess my body has to get used to it again

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by marvin_pa

Thanks for sharing what's going on. Many here will have been through similar trials & would offer support based off their own experiences, but knowing stuff helps, too.

I'm glad you started on the meds again - it's a positive step forwards, so congratulate yourself!

As for that neighbour - sadly it's the thoughtless, unnecessary cruelty of folks like that that consistently cause me to rate humanity in general, as barely above disappointing. Blessed are the ignorant, for they know not what they're missing...

People scare me

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

I’m glad you finally opened up and let us in

You are doing the best you can under difficult circumstances. I’m super happy that you decided to go back on meds. Beating ourselves up for perceived failings is so prevalent with mental disorders. I’ve made myself laugh in some of my darkest hours by fantasizing that I went on line to Amazon and purchased a kicking machine so all I have to do is push a button and beat the crap out of myself.

I'm glad I finally took my meds . I hope it helps . Thanks

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by Kaysey

You did a good thing for yourself by starting up your meds again. Good for you! It might be helpful for you to try therapy if you haven’t . You could target your eating issues and depression. It also would give you a reason to get out of the house. I certainly know how hard all of this is. You should be proud that you’ve made the first step in the right direction by starting your meds again.

I'm trying to get surgery to lose weight . I don't know if I will be accepted but if I am it will change my life drastically and in a positive way .
Several months ago I was really I'll in hospital and when I got out I went on a diet . I stuck to the diet and I gained weight each week . I think it's because I had been in a coma and was on steroids still but it was so disheartening . I gave up . I know I should diet and exercise but when you are severely depressed and unmotivated and suicidal that it no easy task . I may not be given the surgery and it's a slow process so it will take a long time even if they agree to let me have it . I'm also considering hypnotherapy to lose weight . It's probably expensive .

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

I'm trying to get surgery to lose weight . I don't know if I will be accepted but if I am it will change my life drastically and in a positive way .
Several months ago I was really I'll in hospital and when I got out I went on a diet . I stuck to the diet and I gained weight each week . I think it's because I had been in a coma and was on steroids still but it was so disheartening . I gave up . I know I should diet and exercise but when you are severely depressed and unmotivated and suicidal that it no easy task . I may not be given the surgery and it's a slow process so it will take a long time even if they agree to let me have it . I'm also considering hypnotherapy to lose weight . It's probably expensive .

My MIL saw a hypnotherapist, lost a lot of weight and has kept it off for 10 years!


WC

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

My MIL saw a hypnotherapist, lost a lot of weight and has kept it off for 10 years!


WC

That's really good to hear . I deffinately want to do it. I had hypnotherapy once before but it was not to do with losing weight. It was about me being depressed and having low self esteem and being bullied at work . It was a long time ago but I remember a drastic positive change that lasted for about a year or so and I only had one session . If I had continued going my life probably would not have spiralled so far down. I also want hypnotherapy for my depression but it's probably best to focus on one at a time and my weight and depression are very much linked. I eat because I am depressed and get more depressed because of my weight gain. It's got to the point where I don't want people to see me whether it be strangers or people from my past who want to get back in contact , I will just avoid meeting them .

[Shazerac]

Just wanted to mention that there are guided meditations and hypnotherapy tapes for weight loss avaible on Amazon and iTunes that you can help you. (Also smoking, Self esteem, Anxiety, etc.) I’ve used them and they helped. It’s a lot cheaper than hiring a hypnotherapist. Until now I forgot about them. I think I’m going to cue them up and get back with the program