[rtrudeau]

Hey everybody, i havn't posted in a while, but i havn't been any better. Me and my dad are still having a ton of problems, and i have said some stuff i shouldn't have. i was sitting at work yesterday (thursday) and i was just sitting there. i must have had a sad look on my face because one of the nurses, the nicest one, asked what was wrong. i ended up lying, saying i was just tired.

i really was sad, even tho i had just had a good time. I was sad all day, me and my dad had a fight wednesday night, so thats why i was sad.

I am tired a lot, and dont sleep regularly. some nights i fall alsleep around 1 or 2 o`clock in the morning, somtimes 3 or 4. sumtimes 11 o 12 at night. i have thought about things i shouldn't.

Somtimes i think that i wish i was in a car accident. then i'd be in the hospital, and see if my dad even showed up. or things like "accidentaly" falling down the stairs. Is This Normal???

I don't tell my therapist things that go on at home, i try to cover them up, and keep a smile on my face. But then i feeel even worse.

Someone please help me.
<div class="foot">(Edited by rtrudeau on 07/16/04 11:49 PM.)</div>

[SeptemberMorn]

Your T is the only one that can really help you, but only if you let him/her. If you don't talk about what's wrong in your life, your feelings, etc., how can you expect any kind of help?

You need to drag up that courage that we all have and let your T help you.

Hang in there!



<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[rtrudeau]

I'm afraid that if i tell her what i'm thinking, then she'll put me in a hospital. i don't wan ever one to know about what happens, if i go away, then people like my friends and family will knoow all about my life.
<div class="foot">(Edited by rtrudeau on 07/16/04 11:59 PM.)</div>

[SeptemberMorn]

What you talk to your T about stays between you and your T. No one else needs to know if you need to go into the hospital. You can make up an excuse for the days that you'll be gone.

I was in the hospital a couple of years ago and I only told the people that I felt I could trust. No one said anything to anyone. There is no shame in getting the help that you need. What do you think your family and friends are going to say, feel and do if you do what you've been thinking??




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Merlin]

I can understand your aversion to sharing every single thing with you therapist. Within regards to the hospitalization.. you can only be involuntarily hostpitaized if you are and immediate danger to yourself or others, or if you're unable to take care of yourself. Simply expressing suicidal thoughts isn't enough.

<font color=purple>When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.</font color=purple>
---<font color=black> Franklin D. Roosevelt</font color=black>

[dexter]

rt

I think what you describe is normal... for depression. My loss of being able to enjoy anything was actually painfull, because I would try to get myself into the swing of things by doing something, like a movie... then couldn't enjoy it, and came home miserable for days afterward because it just reminded me of how terrible I felt and how it effects all aspects of my life.

It is getting better though.

I would like to see you work as hard as you can toward opening up to the therapist. As others have said, he can only help if you let him and tell him everything that is going on. I don't think you need to worry about going into the hospital, as others have said that is usually only forced if you are in real danger to yourself.

The thing to consider though, is if a hospital, or whatever the therapist might suggest, is the best treatment for you, and you shy away from it because you are afraid people will find out, then you will just keep feeling worse because you are not doing the thing or things that will help you. As you get worse, people eventually will find out, or figure it out on their own.

Don't worry about them. Getting treatment now will be much more helpful and effective than waiting until you don't have any choices left. Why suffer that pain if there is something you can do to feel better now?

As for things like "accidentally" falling down the stairs... I think a lot of people can relate to the need for people to "prove" themselves to us when we have depression. The problem is, while wanting them to prove themselves, we also design our thoughts so that nothing they ever do satifies the "proof". Instead of Q.E.D. you end up with Q.E.Huh? and wind up just setting more "tests" that are harder and harder to pass.

From your past posts it sounds like you have some real issues with your father. But with depression that may not even be the point, with regard to "proof". I isolated myself from people I loved and trusted.. being short with them, not necessarily snippy, but sending out a definite vibe that I was not well and wanted to be left alone. Then got mad when no one called. If anyone did call, instead of giving them an "A+" I either made them feel like they shouldn't have called, so that they wouldn't call again (and would therefore fail the test) or I would accept their call and then afterward just be angry at them that they hadn't called sooner. They still "failed" because they missed some "deadline" that I established after the fact.

It is impossible for anyone to "prove" themselves when we keep changing the rules. Whether or not there are valid reasons, the real problem stems from within ourselves, and the "proof" we are seeking has to eventually come from that same spot inside ourselves, from our own heart and mind. We have to discover what is empty in there that we are trying to "force" other people to fill, and why we need to not only see everything negatively, but also propogate the negativity by building a wall around that hole and then getting mad that people can't scale it, even if they try. No points for effort there.

Sorry, this is more about me than about you... but I hope you can find some of it helpful while on your own path toward resoving this and feeling better.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[Wants2Fly]

I'm on board with what you said about the isolating -- pushing people away dynamic. I really saw myself in those wise words.

[joyoflife]

Hi there!

If you can do try to open up to your therapist. Afterall they are there for you! Honesty helps.

Love and light
Kay

[Br0ken]

I am sorry for your sadness.

I am agreeing with these others that have mentioned for you to try to open up as much as you can to your therapist. Try to remember that they can only help with what information that they have.

I know some things are hard to share. I have been right there myself before.

I don't think I have had much anxiety about what others would think of me being treated or hospitalized, but I have really not wanted to necessarily share every thought or feeling I have had with someone else. I think sometimes we are willing to let the therapists see how "crazy" we might be only to what limit seems "acceptable".

As far as having thoughts of things happening that allow you to prove yourself that is normal...at least for a depressed person. I have had them and will tell you why. It is rough to be depressed and then add on top of that people who doubt it or outright disbelieve it. Sometimes when it is someone we really care about doing the doubting I think those thoughts might pass through our minds as a way of *proving* to them that we aren't falsifying or exaggerating.