I was just a kid -

My sibling got a
Phone contract paid
For him. While I had
Always been payg
And I had to fund it
Myself. No I did
Not like the alone space
I NEEDED it.
Watching my bro
At canteen in primary
Wondering where he
Got money as I had nothing.
How could he afford to smoke,
Get food at chip shop
Every night of the week.
I know I had no power
To ask why he got
Money for lunches
Every day and I
Had to accept two.
My step dad would
Not have wanted
To rock the boat.
And he was physically
Violent to both of us.
He cracked a mug
On my head and
Slammed door on
My toes all the time.
My team mate would
Say I had that
Fungus as on advert
But my step dad
Would deliberately
Slam the door
On me to show
Who was in charge.

My grandparents gave
Me money and sweets on
A Sunday till I was 14 or so.
And my dad actually
Gave me money
On the Saturday.
I wasn't just happy
With a poxy bag of crisps
And a bottle of juice,
Like David would say.
He would say I
Was brain washed if
I ever kicked up a storm
Over my sibling
Getting more than me.
David would say
That my father put
The idea in my head
And my mum would
Say I just had
And over active imagination.
So I just accepted,
Their victorian mind set.

I didn't take the
Saturday job as
The two other
Girls were friends
And my gran said
That with three girls
One will normally end
Up getting picked on.
I knew one she was ok.
Her pal was known to
Have a strong personality.
And I wasn't that confident.

Blankets would swap magazines
With my mum
And I'd get a rollicking
If I did the crosswords.
She was going to
Drive through for lunch
And asked if we wanted anything
My mum says "Yes a banana milkshake,
but YOU, you don't deserve
Anything you rat bag"
I didn't argue.
And they would gossip
About our neighbour
Who went everyday.
But she couldn't work
As she was on dialysis.
So if she wanted a treat
then good on her.
They would check the
Sheriff court website
To see if they knew anyone
Who was in trouble.
I thought they were
Quite sad to be frank.
I remember them
Slating a lady who
Had been told she
Had actual clinical depression
From the doctor.
The lady had been neglecting
The housework and needed
Time off work.
Of course them thick as thieves,
Said that it was just an excuse
Like depression did not exist.
It was just a cover up
For laziness or idleness.
So when I got ill,
That was a spanner in the works.
My neighbour said that
My mum was crying
Every night I was in hospital.
Deep down my
Parents did care
Was what she was saying.
The doesn't account
For all their wrong doings though.
I guess we weren't
The type of family
That say love you before
We hung up the phone.
But life is hard
And sometimes the only
Way to get by is to bury,
Or set aside,
Your true emotions.

My friend got a smashing bmx
I didn't want a bmx
I just wanted a decent
Mountain bike that
Wasn't fuchsia pink.

You are just winded.
You haven't broken anything.
I tried to do a flip
On the trampolines
And it was epic fail.

The only reason I got
To start Taekwondo
Is because my brother
Wanted to start
After seeing shot glasses
In her suit at "I've been dumped!"....Again

I went flying
Over the handlebars.
I went to see my parents.
Who were surprise, surprise
In the pub
My lip was burst open
I had chipped several teeth
And my wrist
Felt like it was sprained.
They did nothing.
Be more careful next time.
You will live.
Back to their pints.
On a school night.

Maybe the trampoline
Was needing tightened
I just could not
Get the air
That the two
People on the other
Ones were getting.
Everyone panicked
When I landed in a heap,
The give on the trampoline
Ensured I didn't break my neck.

Another close shave was when,
I nearly lost a finger
Once, I jumped up
And there was a nail
Sticking out and went
Between my finger and celtic ring
And the ring snapped

My younger sibling
Did not pass his
Black belt grading
My mum comforted
Him in an instant
With a hug.
Just like when
His hamster died.
She was never
Like that with me.
I grew up
Feeling I had
No one to turn to.
My friends acted
Like a bunch of ladettes.
No point feeling
Sorry for yourself.
Get over it all ready .
I wasn't surprised
To hear one needed
To stay off work
For an entire year
And their parent's
Paid for them to
Speak to a counsellor.

I hope when you
Received counselling that
You told the truth.
That it was Fred's cousin
That got you in a state.
That I was omitted
Because it was me
And Fred who carried
You home and that
You were drunk
Before I had finished
My shift at ten .

I hope you tell your
Loud mouth sister
The truth as well.
It was Fred's cousin .
Your sister went
On by me, at work, three
Year later and told
Her kids that I
Was a bad lady.
Blaming me for
That night when
I helped take you home.

We did lay you
Down on the bed.
Somebody must have
Phoned your parents
To say they saw
You out in the pub.

They checked in on you
And you had fallen
On the floor.
And threw up on carpet.
And you were
Bottom half naked.
Just a see through thong.
I would have checked
On you before
I went to bed.
I can still picture,
The scene clear as crystal.

I told Fred how
Terrible I felt and
That you could have
Choked on your own vomit.
And he said that
I was working and
Didn't know that
They had been drinking
Nearly all day.
Like the pair did when
They finished school
Early on Fridays.
It was his cousins
Fault and his family
All knew she had
A mean streak.

Its no secret that
My mum and I never
Really saw eye to eye.
My father wanted a boy
And my mum wanted to
Be one of the boys.
If we went to the
Beach on a nice evening
We would sometimes
Eat at the fish and chips takeout.
My mum would always
Ask what my brother
And dad wanted to eat
And drink. Where I had
To have half of whatever
She wanted including
The juice. They got
A bottle each where
My mum would say I
Only have a sip of
Juice so you can have
The rest of mine.
If she only wanted a sip
Why didn't I get the choice?
I know it sounds fickle,
But it happened with
Other things we did.
We went to Aviemore
And I had to watch
While my brother
And dad went on
The go carts.
I never got to
Go to any clubs
That cost money
Until my Bro asked
To go to martial arts.
I know my father
Was a difficult man
To live with but
Why make me suffer?
It was spilt milk.
Let sleeping dogs lie.

But this manipulation
Was why I put up
With Fred getting to choose,
Nearly everything we did.
He clearly had some
Deep set anger and insecurities,
I had been in rehab
So everyone spoke
Of me as the one
With problems. But I
Wanted to change things.
He blindly denied he
Had issues at all.
My mum was right
About describing hims
As a young bloke
Who would fight
With his own shadow.
He would say to me
If you leave you may
As well put a noose
Around my neck,
And it was earnest.

My step dad always
Tried to treat me
And my brother the same.
Fred would always
Condemn and deride them
For the amount
Of time they spent
In their local:
Pissing their money
Up a brick wall,
Was one phrase he used.
My mum bought
Me a top from
M & S in Inverness
And with a once over
It was far too big
For me and Fred blew
It out of proportion
Saying my mum
Had an ulterior motive,
Like she was jealous I
Was tall and slender naturally.

When I got my
Standard grade results
I left them on the
Living room table.
My mum was up
After me and I
Announced happily
That I got credit ones and twos
In everything but
I knew before
I did it that it
Would fall on deaf
Ears and my mum
Would ignore them.
True to form,
She blindly ignored me.
I didn't even get
My hopes up.
Nothing would ever
Change for me.
I would never
Be anything and
I truly believed
This in my heart of hearts.
I felt like I
Must have broken
Too many mirrors
And would my luck
Ever change. I believed
In luck. If I was male
I may have been
A gambler. I took
Enough risks as it was.
I swear that in
The midst of psychosis
I thought that
No one could see me.
I had become opaque
And becoming unwell
Was just a self-fulfilling
Prophecy. I grew up
Around people who
Thrived on drama
And stories where
People fell from grace
Or were brought
Down a peg or two
Were so much juicier
Than those who
Defeated the odds.
Who did I have that
Would be proud of me?
Just my grandad.
When he died...

Sorry I have to stop

I believe my mum
Did have a tough time
When my father suffered
From a stroke.
He never got over
My mum and didn't
Like how she had moved on
While he was stuck.
I think my mum's
Explosive temper flared up
Partly down my father.
I think she decided
That she would not
Take s^^t from no one
And that's why she
To this day snaps
In an instant. No hesitation.
And probably why David
Threw the Hi-fi in
An argument. My
Mum takes no nonsense
At home. It's like treading
On egg shells all the time.
She shouldn't have
Called my brother a^^hole
F^^king a^^hole when
He went out drinking
On benders all the time.
She could have just said
You treat our home
Like a hotel.
David, mum and his boss
We're hardly setting an example were they?

My father looked after me
As a baby sometimes
While my mum worked.
He would tell embarrassing stories
The same ones all the time.
I believe him when
He said my mum
Went out partying
While he watched me.
Because of the stories
Of nappy changing.
I think it's one of the only
Truths he ever told.
My mum still runs
Away from responsibility
And acts too young
For her age to this day.
But my father
Did play petty mind games.
So I can fully imagine
That he was nasty
To my mum.
My granny let it slip
That he had an inferiority
Complex because he would
Use snide comments
And he was very
Passive aggressive.
I found myself being
Passive aggressive with
A girl who picked on me
In the past. How
Would they know
How much it hurt
At the time.
I hated myself For it.
Sorry I know
You were just being
A teenager.
As much as I thought
I had done the best thing
And not let it get to me
It obviously had.
I went from getting upset,
To getting angry.
I couldn't tell my parents,
They were always in
The pub anyway.

I had a rambunctious
Friend who flashed
Her nipple piercing
In the club
To my boyfriends gang.
A man at work
Overheard us talking
About weekend plans
And she said she
Was going to "pull"
And he said to me:
I didn't realise that
Young women these days
We're so revealing.
And I said my friend
Was not most girls!

I remember swimming
As a young girl
And a girl
Said btw I can
See the shape
Of your nipple
Through that costume..
It was black and light peach
And I looked and
True to form
You could make out
One of my nipples
Because the costume
Was worn down.
I think she said
I was a "pikey"
I went crazy at mum
When I got home.
And she just called
Me an ungrateful s^it.
Money does not
Grow on trees.

When at a training camp
I took these shorts n t-shirt
For pyjamas
And my friend
Would always say
I could get away
Without a bra.
That hers nearly
Dropped to her knees
All ready without one.
So I came out
Into the corridor
And my two team mates
And another boy just
Raised their eyebrows
And I went
I should have got
A bra or a crop top.
And put two fingers
Across the nipple areas.
And that boy smiled
But my team mates
Went all solemnly silent.
I was adept at
Laughing off embarrassing
Situations by then.
I was a little
Self deprecating as
A dorky teen.