[confused4ever]

Do you know what it
feels like to be alone,
truly alone, when you
are in a room full of
people, yet nobody is
really there.

If you sit alone in your home,
can you hear your heart beat,
or can you hear the pain,
screaming from inside, to
stop and don't let it out,
because if you do, it will
never be the same!

When you are afraid,
do you say to yourself,
there isn't anything there,
or do you feel the power,
of the memories, and know
that it is not a nightmare,
but part of you that remembers,
how small you were, and
how much their actions,
hurt you even still today.

Have you ever felt, that
you love someone, even though
you know they don't love you
back.But letting them
go scares you more then
holding them here.

Have you ever loved someone,
and they hurt you over and over,
yet you still do nothing, because
the fear of telling them to
go would mean hurting
them too. You would have
to be someone, feel like you
are worth it, to not be used,
and abused because you aren't
worth it.

Has anyone ever asked,
why you feel like you feel,
and if they do, can you tell
them why, or do you just
shrug your shoulders, and
say it is because of me that
I feel this way.

Have you ever ran, ran
for ever, but not get
there anyway. Have you
ever had to run, just to get
away from your pain.

If you ever stopped running,
what do you think would
happen anyway, would you
just stop and catch your
breath, or would you stop
and feel the pain.

When you run all your life,
and don't stop because you
are afraid, when life changes
and you have to stop, do
you go looking for ways
to make you run again,
or do you try and feel the pain,
knowing that it is you that
you have been running from
all along, so you don't
see the hurt child, and feel
her pain.

Do you really know who,
you are, or are you just
feeling now what once was
the monster you always
thought you were.

It has to be me, it cannot
be them, how could one person,
do so much to deserve all,
that they did.

When the day finally comes,
and you stop running,
and you stand and say
no more, what will happen
to you?

You feel broken, and scared,
and that nobody cares, you
never had the love that,
any child deserves, so
you go through the emotions,
that should never have been,
and maybe just maybe,
they won't win.

But getting there, feels like
the impossible task,
the feelings are strong,
to give up at last, finish
what they started, it is
why you are here, you were
brought into this world, to
feel broken and bashed.

I am just hoping,
that maybe they were wrong,
that I was put here on earth,
to do someone some good,
but right now it feels, like
I have nothing to go on for,
sometimes the feelings,
feel like the same monsters,
that put me here in the
beginning.

One day someday, maybe I will see,
that the part of me that runs,
is the part that cannot see.
that the child inside, never
asked for this life, that the
child inside was once innocent
from pain.That the child inside,
had to grow up to fast, that
she prayed then for God,
to take her, and free her
from the pain.

He said I can do this,
I am stronger then that,
that the feelings will leave,
and I will feel good at last,
so I hang onto the words,
hoping they are true, that
my feelings of pain, and fear,
and guilt will disappear for good,
someday. Stand up for myself, is what
he thinks I should do, but doing that
is something I have never had to do,
standing up means pain, and fear and
hurt. Do what your told, never ask
or question, each word back then,
knocked me down deeper. So I will,
believe him today, that I will survive,
this hell, something has to give, just
hope it is the pain and not me!

She said they are my
others these feelings I have,
that she can fix them, so
they don't hold me like now,
the suicide other is strong,
and being heard, but God this
time please let me stay!

Val

[nowheretorun]

val

(((((((((((((val)))))))))))))

I hear you loud and clear

holding you tight, you write from your heart so well. I feel every emotion and every pain, take care sweetheart, I'll be here to catch you, we can do this together if you like, just a thought, gentle hugs if that's ok....Kerry xxxxxx

[confused4ever]

I feel so alone right now, we can do this together, I would like that. Thank you Kerry.

[pamelasu]

Wow, your words are so strong here. I hope that you get feeling better soon. I know it's not easy to feel that way but I know you can do this and you are strong enough to face that pain. One day it will go away and you will have your life back again. For now though just hang in there and try to do something to help ease your mind!

[confused4ever]

Fighting is hard, nothing seems to work anymore!

[nowheretorun]

breathe confused... just breathe....

[confused4ever]

called my T and he hasn't returned a call......I don't want to do this anymore

[nowheretorun]

confused i rarely play this card... God gave you a life... don't let it slip away... hang in there sweetheart... i'm right here with ya... lots of love...

[confused4ever]

Depression wins all the time......my husband left last night, he can't handle what is happening to me anymore, so he leaves.......I am no good for my kids......how can I be good for them? I don't know what to do!

[nowheretorun]

oh sweetie ((((((((((((((((confused))))))))))))))) honey you will be alright... i know it doesn't seem that way right now... just have faith that someday... we have to work through this... our feelings, anger, hurt, despair, fear... you're not alone... where does it hurt?

[nowheretorun]

you know... i know a place to get old bottles too...

[confused4ever]

He left, we haven't been getting along, I know this, but he knew that i needed him here right now, to help with the kids and to keep me grounded. He up and left last night, went to his gf I am sure........I knew he was messing around, but with everything I am feeling right now, my T thought if I could just stick it out with him here, and get past this crisis then work on our marriage.......but he did'nt give me the chance, he just left last night.......I am an idiot for letting him stay here, I should never of let anything happen......failure at everything.......now he leaves, the kids need him.......I can't do this.........what else can go wrong.......why does everything happen all at once........I emailed my T and told him last night.......he emailed back and told me it is all him.......he broke the vow, it isn't me........it is me!!! I cannot do anything

[nowheretorun]

sweetheart, it feels that way right now, that you never do anything right, but it can't be true... deep inside you know you've done good, been good at other times... the depression is lying to you right now... i don't blame you for feeling down, it sounds pretty rough, pretty hurtful, but sweetheart remember the good times, even if only a few, not enough, remember them even for an instant.. cry, cry, cry... you're no loser... just having a bad time and we care... hang in there...

thank you for helping me with my bad day... you reaching out makes me reach in... there is strength in each of us... we've done this before.. only this time together... reach in honey... hang on... you can make it...

[altonwoodsdrphil]

it sounds to me like you need a miracle...perhaps you've tried therapy or other things and they just did'nt work. heres my advice, tell the one who can do something about your problem what you've told us...seek his face, read your bible,maybe even go to church, God knows about the pain that you're going thru...he cares!

[confused4ever]

I do go to church, and feel nothing when I am there anymore. I still haven't heard from my T.........nobody cares, why should I!! I went for a walk, I tried to do relaxation.....it isn't working!

((((((((confused))))))))

oh sweetie I'm so sorry you are going through this, your hubby sounds like a weak.... well, It's not up to me to say. I hear you, I feel no good for my kids either, keep reaching out, hold my hand, maybe we can help each other out? please dont be afraid to pm me, I know how husbands walking out, being depressed and looking after the kids at the same time feels, happened when my daughter was just ove a year old, couldn't cope, but here I am, you will get through this because you are strong, even if you dont feel strong. Be good to yourself, you dont need someone who isn't supporting you the way he should.

Here for you, love, Jinny xxxxxx

I forgot to say, my hubby nearly left a few weeks ago cos he cant cope, so now I feel guilty I have depression and anxiety and feel I have to put on a smiley face cos I'm so scared to be any other way - it sucks - I have had enough, when he was depressed I supported him fully, good and ad days. The fact he cant cope with my illness is not my fault the same as it's not your fault, it's made me see things totally differently in my relationship.

love, Jin x

[confused4ever]

I have to do that too, put the face one, espeacially around my siblings, I don't know who it is for me or them, I think it is for them. I just feel so dead and used and hopless. I feel like if I took a step I would fall into oblivian.......I want this all to end......I want to not feel anymore.......I wish there were a magic pill!!!

[pachyderm]

How old are your kids? Too old to hug? It seems to me that just doing something that simple is good. I don't have kids but I find even though there are lots of things I cannot do, I can care for my cats and they appreciate it and I find value in carrying on.

[moodyblu]

I was reading..feeling your cries of pain. I'm so sorry you are feeling so badly right now..and are so desparate for some kind of relief. I know that feeling. I have been there before. When seconds tick away like hours. That useless "don't belong" feeling. The lonliness. It is melancholia wrapping around you and doing it's thing. I feel sort of helpless even writing this to you cause I know I can only empathize with you....but I know what you are feeling. I can tell you this also...it is melancholia's lies to you.
These are some of the great untruths depression will bring in it's blanket of gloom. They are just not true. I know it's sooo hard right now....but you have to at least try to understand this...comprehend this...and conciously fight it with your very soul. Start out small...baby steps...breathe and concentrate on that. Pray...fervently and often...preferably while walking or exercising off the anxiety.
Whatever...stay busy...even when you are sooo tired. find things to do for others...your kids...parents...etc. Sometimes helping others helps you...because you feel useful.
Take your medicine..or one that will work...if your present one isn't. Seek support groups in your area. They are everywhere. Seek a spiritual advisor...Pastor...etc. to vent to. And...of course...a therapist/doctor that will moniter you and help you. I kept a journal also and wrote and prayed while I wrote...so that now when I read them....it is like a strange wonderful/terrible journey of my soul. It still helps me to see...me.
These are just some ideas that I found helpful for me...long before there wasn't any "Psych Central". Now...you have this wonderful place at your fingertips to help you too!
If it all gets to be too much...holler for help right here. You will recieve at the very least...consolation and empathy.
Again...I am sorry you hurt...I know how it is....I know it is not much I do for you...but maybe in the understanding of pain...the feel thereof...we can meet and help you.
Take care...prayers and blessings...D.

[confused4ever]

I can try those thing......I gave up on church......I haven't been able to feel anything when I go.......dead inside. I can hug my kids, I do......today I feel that this pain is more then what I can handle.....I will do something.....walk, run, bike.....maybe bake.........to see if I can stop the thoughts.........

[confused4ever]

Just breathing hurts........

[nowheretorun]

(((((((((((((((confused))))))))))))))))) sometimes it helps me to appreciate little things... a moment of peace, the suns' warming, that God has given me air to breathe... i don't "do" church either... but that hasn't shaken my faith in God... hang on sweetie

[confused4ever]

I heard from my T, he wants me to think about the hospital.......I don't think I want to do that.....what about the kids??? Would it even help??? Don't think all the therapy in the world is going to help anymore!!!

I am heading for a long walk.......need time to forget some things....maybe sort some things!