today I had my shower (and as I predicted, felt gross afterwards)

then I had to order all my shopping- not the best of things to do, but it's gotta be done.

and now I have the rest of the day to act like a coutch potato (so just normal and that)
suicidal feelings still their- and lots of depression, but feel slightly better today.. given it's friday, and tomorrow (saturday the 1st), I get to open
my advent calendar for the first time

I can't believe it's 25 days until christmas day but it is

[Rose76]

Feel very low and miserable.

[Smileonmyface]

Feeling very down. Husband's comments about the store bought baked goods for the girl scouts hit a nerve last night. Thought I had an appointment with the psychiatrist on Monday but turns out it was cancelled so now it is for next Monday. I don't know why I keep up with therapy and such when all I want to do is give up I think I go for the kind people to talk to. Even seeing the psychiatrist, I don't even need medicine right now but he is a kind person to talk to. I need that. My broken crumpled soul drinks in kindness just to stay alive.

[katydid777]

OK today, just tired, mostly.

[Rose76]

I don't want to go on. I wish my life was over.

I went through a bout of depression this morning for a while because it was dead at work. It just gave me time to think about myself and the problems with anxiety that I have. An awful feeling.

I worked out after work and it went well. Went to the pool area and still not working. I'm really fed up with my place. In fact, tomorrow I'm going to meet with a RE agent about selling. I don't feel ready to leave but things seem to be at the lowest lows right now. I hope that the meeting goes well. I really hate the thought of having to leave my place because it can be very nice. But it's not!

today I snapped at someone.

they were talking to me about something that they thought I was looking forward to and I just snapped at them. I think they were quite shocked by it- I'm like no, I didn't enjoy it, I'm not well.. and yes, I'm really still not well- and very suicidal still.

I opened my advent calendar today and had a chocolate soldier behind the door

a chocolate soldier?

what the **** does a ****ing soldier have to do with christmas

all I'm saying on that

now just listening to christmas music and feeling low

I feel like anyone would who has had everything stolen right from under them by individuals they trusted.

How would they feel to be treated like they are treating me? Are they even capable of visualizing it? Nah, that would be too much to ask.

The usual Saturday today. Except that I met with my potential RE Agent about selling. They were very nice to talk to and they put my mind at ease somewhat. I will meet with them next week for a final proposal; mainly about how much I should get. I feel somewhat excited about it, but the big question is; "where am I going to end up?". It's too bad I feel like I want to sell my place. To me this compares to getting a divorce.

Nothing much going on from now on in the day. I might have to go to the store again later on because I forgot a couple of items that I needed.

[Rose76]

I feel awful.

I've found in the past then when my life felt awful for an extended period of time, I could find a way out of the misery, by changing something. A few times, I moved or changed jobs, or did both, and I improved dramatically. So I ask myself: is there a significant change I could make?

Mostly, I just tell myself now to just try harder, with things as they are. That is feeling futile. I'm getting nowhere, but deeper in misery.

Originally Posted by Rose76

I feel awful.

I've found in the past then when my life felt awful for an extended period of time, I could find a way out of the misery, by changing something. A few times, I moved or changed jobs, or did both, and I improved dramatically. So I ask myself: is there a significant change I could make?

Mostly, I just tell myself now to just try harder, with things as they are. That is feeling futile. I'm getting nowhere, but deeper in misery.

Sorry that you're feeling awful. I feel bad for what you're going through. I am really hearing you on your post. What's going on in my life is different than yours though. I am feeling like I need a change, too.

As I mentioned earlier today, I had the RE people come and see me to propose what they can do for me to sell my place. I have been feeling miserable living at my place for some time. I've tried to have an open mind and change myself for the better so that I could like it better. It's just not working! And my place is getting worse.

Also I was kind of feeling that way about my job, too. I still feel good about it. But it's not as good as it was before. Perhaps I'm having a difficult time admitting that it could be time to leave my job. Last week there was a controversy with me because it was my job to order coffee at the place. I had tried calling that coffee company for weeks and kept on being told that the coffee was not on stock. So the coffee at where I work ran out. People got mad and blamed me for it. It's straightened out now, but it was not pleasant to go through. Plus the job in itself is getting boring and the people are not as nice as they used to be.

[Rose76]

One year, I had 6 different jobs in one year. I decided to change. I went to the other extreme and stayed in jobs long after I should have left. Finding the middle way can be hard.

Thanks, will. I hope we make what changes that are needed.

So far this morning it hasn't been too productive even though I've kept myself busy. I went to a 55+ place this morning to inquire about possibly moving there. I had been there lots of times before. It seemed very quiet and still growing with more units being built. No one was out and about this morning, much to my surprise. I went to the rental office but it was closed.

Woke up feeling pretty depressed but felt better later.

I dont have the life in me to act as a person I'm dead I belong to death empty and alone

mostly a slow day with very little to do.

depression a bit better- actually for the first time in the past few days, I only thought about suicide for like an hour

had quite a nice evening too- food wasn't anything to write home about, but mood wise was good

[smallbluefish]

had a bit of free time today but i realized i don't even know what to do with it, as i'm usually overloaded with school/work. it made me a little sad to be honest, to feel like i couldn't be engaged or just have fun without the presence of an overwhelming workload...

[T4bbyCat]

Depression is kicking my butt and not taking names. Right now is a slight break, which lets me do things like write this. Otherwise it's largely impossible to do anything.

Took a three hour bike ride today. It was a very nice day for it. After that, not much. Very dull tonight. My friend is not here so I don't have him to talk to. And the pool area is not functioning, so no going down there. I feel like I have a lot of time on my hands tonight and I'm not used to it.

[LifelongLoner]

I am having a hard time leaving my apartment. It's much safer to isolate. At home, I can't seem to motivate myself and don't know what to do about it. My C-PTSD has been acting up a lot both at home and increasingly in public. I fear that I will lose my mind eventually. I try very hard to enjoy the company of other people but it's just not there. There's something missing in me. I don't know what to do about it.

I am having paranoid fears about losing my job. I have been treated very badly on so many jobs. I am overdue for an evaluation. Another evaluation - that will signal the end of my probation period - is coming due in the next 2 weeks. By coincidence, my department is being re-organized. No one seems to want my supervisors job. I fear having a supervisor who is angry. The person currently designated to take the position does not want it; she never speaks to me or any of my peers in the department. I am scared.

I started my new book yesterday- first thoughts.. am I stuck with this **** for the next however long it will take me to read it?. I don't like what I read so far

sleep didn't happen again though I knew it wouldn't

mood was okay, but not really a productive day (not really anything I needed to do, but managed to fill the time). nothing special is what I'm saying

an average start to the week

[Rose76]

Today I was busy and got things done. So I don't feel as bad as I did.

Been busy. Feel a bit low, at times it all seems too much.

A mixed day today. Some good feelings, some not. Mostly not so good. The morning started off weird as I stopped in a convenience store for the ATM and it was out of order. Because I wanted to stop at the supermarket before getting to work. I only had a few bucks left but was able to get all I needed. And when I went to the supermarket, that supermarket had two doors and I picked the one that didn't open, which was more convenient for me.

It was not busy in the morning so the morning just dragged. It got very busy between 11AM to 1PM.

The pool area at where I live is still not functioning. I get the feeling that the HOA decided to shut it down because they want to save on electricity. But they won't tell us. I have notified them about it. And I miss my friend being away.

Also I got an email from another friend tonight saying that he wants to move from his place. There's a particular place where he is thinking of moving to where he has family that will welcome him. That sounds nice. I wish I had that option.

I slept without my night time meds.. I think I'm wearing myself out. Depression is always lurking in the background. I can't let it win.

today was productive, since I decided that today would be the day that I finish off all my decorating for christmas- and since I did it in under an hour (more or less), I treated myself to mcdonalds

I'm not meant to eat during the middle of the day (to do with my eating problems), but I'm feeling okay- no ill affects from it yet

a little irritated over the fact that people are telling me one thing, but actually doing another- but hat seems a daily occurance. I think being honest with me is something peoplej ust can't do for some reason- and it seems I'm like the only one