[Rose76]

will19, sorry you feel like there is nothing to look forward to. I have that feeling at times. I hope it passes for you like it does for me.

While it lasts, it sure is awful.

[88Butterfly88]

Possible trigger:

Having some suicidal thoughts this morning. Luckily I'm with my mom all day today and I've got no plan and I don't keep dangerous objects around so I'll be safe I just wish these thoughts weren't here.

[boomerango]

I call it lost days, a lost weekend, but also, it was the time that depression found and claimed me. A "found time" seems strange when it feels so bad.

[regretful]

On the verge of tears a lot lately, for no apparent reason. May have to reconsider the benefits vs. side-effects of medications.

[Thirty shades]

Originally Posted by regretful

On the verge of tears a lot lately, for no apparent reason. May have to reconsider the benefits vs. side-effects of medications.

It is so hard with meds and Dr's don't understand the challenges.

Much love to you

[SlumberKitty]

Did not want to get out of bed this weekend. Spent at least 4 hours both afternoons this weekend, just laying in bed. Not sleeping, just not wanting to be anywhere, do anything, just wanting to zone out and not feel this crushing sadness all the time. Talked myself into going to work today. Really want to be at home in bed.

[Yzen]

Struggling this Monday at work. Someone asked me how I feel. I can't answer that question because there is no answer...no words fit what I an struggling with. I said "OK".

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by Yzen

Struggling this Monday at work. Someone asked me how I feel. I can't answer that question because there is no answer...no words fit what I an struggling with. I said "OK".

I get that. I do that too. I'm sorry you are struggling.

mostly an okay day (well, nothing really situational to make depression worse)

struggled with shopping this morning, and also a bit of what I like to call food depression (over a bottle of jamaican sauce), just, don't ask...

thought the day was okay but when it came time for my mood diary, I found myself writing down all negative stuff- and scoring my mood a 2/10

so it just goes to show

[Calla lily12]

I told T that I was dead inside. Nothing makes me feel differently. I asked him why I should keep fighting.

[Rose76]

I'm tired.

[twistypringle98]

I keep noticing Freudian slips in everything that I say. Now that I look back at the past, I can see that there are certain reasons why people might think certain things and why things turned out the way they did when I didn't intentionally say or do something that was in a way "the wrong way" to get something done... D*** myself.

I say a lot of things that might be uncouth, but way back when, I was a mess.

(Still am)

Was a fairly busy day today at work. For some reason I have been feeling the blues all day. I didn't work on contacting that person at the HOA about my check today because I was very busy at work. Also I had some hassles in returning the wrong item I got. I finally have the solution to where I can go to return it. I plan on doing that tomorrow.

[Rose76]

I feel sick. Mildly nauseated. My left foot hurts whenever I get on it. I wish my life was a job. I'ld like to call in sick.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by Thirty shades

It is so hard with meds and Dr's don't understand the challenges.

Much love to you

Thank you...I have been on a handful (or more) of different medications (one at a time), and each had their benefits, but each also came with a package of side-effects that were not very tolerable. I find the anxiety that emerges from most anti-depressants, for me, to be one of the worst side-effects. So, I'm still in the "reconsideration" phase...Thanks for your kind words.

[88Butterfly88]

Moderately depressed today. Had a good meeting with my care manager so things are looking up so I'm trying to stay hopeful.

[twistypringle98]

Another day in these ceaseless ramblings of all days. Nothing great. Nothing good. Nothing even to make me smile. Why has this gotten to a point where it I just am instead of striving to be something? I should have dreams, and none appear.

I had a birthday not too long ago and am now 26. I really don't think I'm evolving as a human either. Things are just getting to the point now where if I'm not changing, I don't think I'm ever going to have a better life. And that is what I want the most. No one is inviting me in, and I'm not inviting anybody in, and it has been that way all my life.

Fairly busy day today at work. I emailed that woman at HOA letting her know that I have not received the check yet for the reimbursement. I have not heard anything back yet. I sent the email early in the morning. I'll have to call tomorrow. God, I hate having to do that! They are just like politicians. Making promises and not delivering.

I worked out today since I got my weight-lifting waistband. It seemed like my performance went better this time. Went to the pool area tonight. Much to my surprise no one was there until the last five minutes being there. There was a couple that I wasn't too crazy about. Well, at least they came in when I was about to leave.

[regretful]

It all feels so pointless, and I feel like such an abject failure. While I know both to be untrue, intellectually, emotionally this is the pits.

[lotusblossom19]

Feeling awful.

[Thirty shades]

Originally Posted by regretful

It all feels so pointless, and I feel like such an abject failure. While I know both to be untrue, intellectually, emotionally this is the pits.

Our feelings sure work against us.

Every time I pick myself up there is always something or someone wanting to push me back down.

I am not strong enough to deal with it all at times.

Now the work begins to pick myself back up.

[Anatta]

Today has been the best day I've had in a while.

Of course, far from perfect. Depression hit pretty hard while I was running, but I'm breathing into it...

I just have to keep reminding myself it is a complete cognitive distortion for me to simply turn around overnight. When I start feeling "good", I begin to expect so much of myself.

Of course, this is a disability; the trend is what matters...

It was very busy for about half the day at work today. I had a very big load in one delivery that was overwhelming. But then I was able to systematically make it easier to process it.

I called that woman up at the HOA (the one who said that I will be getting a check) today. She said that it can take about a couple of weeks to process the check. Well, I had called about four or five weeks ago to another woman at the HOA (after talking to that one, she's no longer at the company) and she had said that the check would be coming. It was three months ago when that water leak happened. So I have waited that long!

Went bike riding after work. Very hot and humid still. Went to the pool area tonight and there were quite a few people there. All of them were not very nice. It seems like the more the days go by, the more I hate the place that I live at. I want to sell and leave. It's too bad because it can be so nice for me. It just isn't.

yesterday I " through the toys out the pram", because I couldn't have what I wanted- so in a fit of rage I took all my bracelets off (all 8 of them), and
through them across the room- not that I'm bothered, today I'm probably going to step on them and break the strings..

I've done some more work to my stories- I have my creative flow back (whoo!)

I wrote a chapter on my benidorm one, and a chapter to the stranger on the bridge- strangely enough, the stranger on the bridge is based on something happening
in a tv show at the moment (and I didn't even know it was happening!).

today I'm going to add to my dark fairytales collection, the story of the bird bear (but darker version)

still no sleep, though that's okay- unaffected by it anyway.

today for the first time in ages (at least a few weeks), it's actually pretty cool- and raining a little bit

finally got the cooler weather we've desperately needed... hoping it will last for a while!

[Rose76]

My left foot is sore when I put weight on it. As I walk around it gets better. But I have anxiety that I may be further damaging it by being on my feet.

That becomes a self-convincing reason to just sit and read all day. But I have to get some things done. So I have to make a reasonable compromise between resting my leg and attending to things I have to do.

Ritalin wakes me up, but it doesn't make me feel more like doing things. I guess I was hoping for magic from this medication.