The fight

So i am still feeling extremely depressed and anxious. I currently and I hope this lasts , am not thinking of acting on suicidal thoughts .
Instead I'm going to fight . This is going to be really hard but I will try a little harder . I will work towards goals even if taking little baby steps.
I'm going to start by working on my physical health and well being. My physical health has been so neglected due to not functioning well with being so depressed .

(((((cryingontheinside)))))
I m so proud of you. Please have hope. Hugs and much love.

So glad to hear you are not thinking of acting on suicidal thoughts. Don't give up! Keep fighting!

Yes, physical health is a great place to start - maybe the best place! Good on you cryingontheinside, just a day at a time. You'll beat this, you'll see! ((((Yay!))))

You're strong and you can do it - I know this.

You are doing well, think about what you achieve while feeling so bad. Amazing, you are so very amazing.

The other stuff will wait. I'm proud of you, much love

I am pulling for you.

Today is really hard . I'm exhausted . My anxiety levels are through the roof. I hope I can do this . It's harder than I thought it would be.
Does anyone else feel ashamed to be them ? I feel full of shame just for being myself .
I blame myself for everything even having mh.
Nobody actually likes me in real life . Ok maybe a couple of family members but I don't think they like who I am - i.e lazy and useless and underachiever , they just care for me purely because I am family .
Even strangers don't like me . I can sense it from them .
I'm starting to have doubts if I can do this or not - to be strong and fight and live . I want to but I'm scared of the dissapiontment if I fail to improve my life and how I feel .
I had a feeling this would happen , that the thought of positivity and hope was not going to last long.
I just want to go home now and cry myself to sleep

Good on you cryingontheinside, do your best, and believe you'll get through this. You can and you will.
Yes, shame is at the root core of my very being, cryingontheinside, my foundation, as well. Shame, humiliation, all those sorts of feelings and mindsets. It's tainted everything and made life hard in many respects, kind of warped my reality, my path through life. The psychologists, therapists, doctors, have pointed out that people who have experienced abuses [which I did throughout childhood] very often carry shame, feel worthless, not up to scratch, and that it's hard to reshape that mindset. Those feelings aren't your fault cryingontheinside, none of this is. But I do believe over time a person can learn to see through the illusion, yet at the same time, the shame, humiliation etc., is always there. So, I just wanted you to know, yes, I have to deal with that as well. It's an ongoing thing for me at this stage. So be it.

Try not to project too far into the future cryingontheinside, and try to keep your life in the present, like a work in progress. I really don't have the answers but I'm sure you could gain some insights and coping techniques from various sources. Stay strong in your spirit and in your heart, keep fighting please.

Im sorry you go through that too. It's horrible . Yeah I also experienced abuse alot in my life

Thanks cryingontheinside. Yes, there's too much of it in this world. Watch out for that mobile game you were playing as well please. It's a trap for losing all your money. Those kinds of setbacks can really send a person into despair. Use the money for immediate needs instead - rent, food, cleaning products, etc. Make ordinary daily things your goals. I walk for exercise as well - and it's hard because I have bad social anxiety [very slowly getting through it though] - but I don't care, I want to walk. Nearly drives me mad, so I go at night a lot of the time - it's better.

You are completely right , you must have seen my previous posts . I am stuck in a trap at the moment spending money on that game , because the game is a distraction and I get impulses to suddenly spend my money without thinking about how I will survive without money for a few weeks .
I have social anxiety as well . Going out where there is people is a big struggle for me . Yeah I can understand walking at night but unfortunately I live in a big estate , it takes ages just to walk out of it and like any estate there are all kind of characters living round here , there are also gangs of youths that walk around the estate , probably more so at night time , so I wouldn't feel that good to go out at night in this area .

Aw, yes, I understand about your not being able to go for walks. It's a tricky one all right. I'm on the same page when it comes to spending impulsively without a thought for tomorrow as well, because I used to have addictions. If you don't mind me saying so, you're addicted to that game unfortunately. But addictions are quite common for people who struggle with depressions and anxieties - not unusual, but a real obstacle to ones progress. Maybe you can address that particular issue first, cryingontheinside? Iron that out, and then you'll begin to feel optimistic about life again. Keep pluggin' away at it.

Thank you for your support . I agree that it is an addiction I have to the game . I have had all kinds of addictions in the past . So it's like I leap from one addiction to another . I have thought about uninstalling the game for a while but I have mixed feelings about it. The game is sometimes a real help to me because it helps with restlessness and boredom and distracts the mind from negative thoughts and stops me being as lonely because I can talk to people on there . But on the other hand it is causing me problems , I'm focusing too much on the game and not dealing with real life problems or chatting with family. I'm spending most of my money on it and this leads to bigger problems for me which I then want to escape from and repeat the same mistake again over and over.
Are you currently having any addiction problems ? Also how are you feeling? I feel bad that you are here helping me and supporting me with my problems while you are also seemingly dealing with similar problems . Thank you for your support. It is really helping to have people I can talk to ago are not judging me or blaming me or telling me off.

@cryingontheinside

You're welcome. Yes, I fully understand about the game, sure. I does fulfill needs, but as you say, there's the negative side, the awful side. Maybe you can find a way to talk to the people on your game using email or Fb etc., and not through the game? Yes, that would be a good idea. Summon up all your energy cryingontheinside and delete the game. Delete the satan! heh

Me, I'm feeling a bit more optimistic tbh, thanks. I've been through hell as well, but I'm slowly coming out the other side. Life is such a crazy journey, I tell ya. No, no addiction problems, thank heavens. I'm through all that, it's in the past. I put myself through rehabs, residential care, tons of 12 step meetings, everything, for years, and finally broke the curse. But I'll need to stay on my guard for the rest of my life and that's fine by me. I'm through the worst part. Thanks for asking cryingontheinside.

No, the last thing I want to do is judge people for having a problem. For struggling. We're all in the same boat really, cryingontheinside.

So glad to hear that you no longer in addictions and that you are fighting your way out of your struggles .
I took your advice . I'm uninstalling the game . I'm just messaging everyone now to let them know I won't be around for a while. Then I'm uninstalling . Thanks because I think you really helped me by pointing out that it is an addiction for me . It really is .
What are you doing to cope with life ?

Please keep fighting. What you're doing with your physical health is a great start.
I'm proud of your strength.

@cryingontheinside

Thank you. Yeah, I'm getting there, thanks.

Good on you for uninstalling the game and letting your friends know. Yes, it's a big step, so well done! And if some time soon you feel like you might reinstall the game, then focus your mind and your day on something else instead. Log on here and talk about it perhaps. There's an addictions forum too.

Well, I've ironed out the addictions side, but have struggled with anxiety/depression for quite some time. I guess my main coping technique now is, letting go, letting go, letting go, of mental formations which mess with my head. I take meds too, and they do help, but that's been a merry-go-round of trial and error and side effects. But it's my life at stake. And just sticking to my daily routine of making sure things are in order, paying bills, budgeting, making sure I have groceries etc. And exercise and diet are important to me as well. I used to work, but don't work at present though it's a goal of mine to be self sufficient again. So, daily goals and long term goals are things I use to stay focused too - to cope. All sorts of things really. Mindfulness is a good tool as well.

How are you feeling cryingontheinside? You'll get through this, don't you worry.

I'm struggling but talking here has helped. I need to work on my physical health too and I need to get my medication tomorrow . I ran out weeks ago and didn't go to get more and it really has had such a bad effect on me .

@cryingontheinside

Oh my goodness, yes. Suddenly stopping meds can be awful, cryingontheinside. I've been there myself. Yes, get your meds, it's a very positive step. You'll start to feel better soon.

@cryingontheinside

Also, if you're like me, because of social anxiety/depression, you might not feel up to going outside to get to the doctor. But go anyway, even if it's awful, drag yourself there - don't look at anyone [that helps me when I'm struggling, triggered]- because once you get your meds, which are important, and make it back home, it will be mission accomplished and you can get your focus back. You have my full support.

Thank you. You seem to understand me very well. It will be hard for me to go there but I will force myself .

@cryingontheinside
@mote.of.soul - you write wise words