Safe Place

Sent the PM

This is separate but feel free to read (obviously). Today's gonna be a hard one. I have to clean out the storage with my ex. I've seen someone else since my ex left me, but that doesn't seem to matter. I still love him but he doesn't love me the same way. I don't think he ever did. I don't know what's going to happen today, probably nothing but internal screaming. I hate the fact that I'm still in love with him. With my blood on his hands, I still want to hold those same hands gently and tell him, "Everything will be okay." Ha, yeah... I'm pretty pathetic.

Thank you, Mickey

Never been in a relationship with a girl. There was a girl I liked recently but asshole people didn't let me have her. That's it. My love life. It's partly because I am stupid, you will remember my early posts over PsychCentral. And mostly because I am one of the least fortunate people.

I don't know what to say over this... but I wish you good luck! Anything else?

I don't think I have anything else to address right now, at least not on the Depression forum. Thank you for listening. I'm sorry you didn't get that opportunity but I don't think you're stupid or ever were.

Well, yes I am stupid.... I was born brilliant but due to my luck it didn't go quite well. I may have savant syndrome. I wanted to be a doctor, but I don't know what I am going to do next. Hell, who knows? B.Sc in chemistry working as a computer repairman (not as an engineer, not possible here), M.Sc zoology teaching life science, an MD (I hope), or will I die before any of this? Only time will tell....

So Leigheas, do you think I'd make a good doctor? Or at least a good computer tech?

I'd have to see your MCAT (I think that's what that medical test is called where I'm from). But from what I see on here and your ability to articulate what you're saying so well, I'd say yes. I wouldn't have even known you had mental disabilities without you telling me so.

I'm trying to figure out how to write what I'm feeling down. It's hard today, that's probably because of the fact that I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I know it's not good. I'm back to looking for ways to hurt myself. I haven't eaten anything since yesterday morning and that wasn't much. I don't have an eating disorder, I don't do this to lose weight. I do it simply to punish myself. I'm good for nothing. That sentence rarely ever escapes my mind. I don't want to keep doing this. I have nothing to look forward to except more pain, more agony, more... hell, I guess. I feel alone and isolated around people. Everyone's so ****ing far away, or maybe I left them. I don't know. I hate myself, that hasn't changed and no amount of medication can help that. I take seven pills every morning and I hate swallowing each one down. I hate that I rely on something that can be taken away so ****ing easily. You know, my ex leaving me and telling me that things were too hard for him (meaning my symptoms) has really screwed with my head. I'm too ****ing broken for anyone to stay around. Everyone leaves because I'm a let down and just a disappointment to even know. I'm pathetic. I just wish someone would put me out of this misery. Do the world a favor, you know?

(((((Só leigheas)))))

You are not good for nothing, Só leigheas. That thought comes from trauma and depression.

For one thing, you being you is good for us here.

You do not deserve punishment.

You are not too broken for people to stay around, Só leigheas.

We are staying around.

You are not a let down or a disappointment. Actually, I am grateful to have met you.

You are not pathetic. In fact, you show a lot of strength around here.

It would not do the world a favor to put out out of your misery. That would actually make the world worse.

In particular, that would make this site worse, significantly worse.

I just don't know how to quit feeling this way, Bill. It won't stop. The voice won't stop. None of it will. I'm so tired.

((Sò leigheas)) Just remember that no one is really "good for nothing", and especially not you

I suppose you're right that no one's good for nothing. It's just, I look at my life and wonder what have I really done for anyone? How have I made a difference? Have I really hurt more than I've helped? And the answers I have aren't so good.

Maybe there is another way to look at that voice.

Suppose that you are going to a neighborhood party, and one of the neighbors is loud and difficult. Sort of like that voice. You could try to avoid that person or try to make them stop or change.

Or you could just accept that they are there.

Accepting that they are there does not mean that you approve of them or like them, but it means not railing against them. It means doing what you can to enjoy the party anyways.

We know why that voice is there, we know why all of the self-critical voices are there. They are there because of trauma and depression. Maybe you could say "Oh, it's you again, don't you ever get tired of saying the same thing over and over?" Something like that, kind of irreverent. Accepting that they are there--not believing them!, just acknowledging and accepting that they are there--and doing what you can to make your life what you want it to be in spite of them being there.

I don't want to sound like this is automatically the answer or simple or that it wouldn't be challenging. I do want to give you another perspective to consider.

Thanks, Bill. I'll give it a try.

You have definitely made a difference here, for me and for all of us.

((((((( So leigheas )))))))

Aw, I couldn't sympathize with you more...
I have so much to say, but I'm also scared that I am tiring everyone else with my depression.

We are here for you!

You're not alone. I ask to me everyday. Crap happens every day... and it's supposed to be my universe. Mamma think by isolating me from the rest of the society I won't be like "the other teenagers" (guess what, I actually became an outcast) and therefore I will have high rates of success in ... academics. Yes, I get it, I won't do ****ing drugs. But what good is anything if I don't know what to do when I step outside?

I'm sorry TheLonelyChemist. You shouldn't have had to put up with that ****.

Thanks, Bill.

I'm trying to work through some things right now. The violent images in my head are still present. My urge to SH is definitely still here. More than anything, I can't bring myself to stop my self-destructive thoughts. I keep seeing something very specific and I can't talk about it on here in detail but it involves suicide. I keep seeing it, I keep seeing myself doing it and I can't seem to stop it. Is this what I'm meant to do?

"Mamma raised a soldier so I can't afford to cry"

Feel free to speak about it here. This place is for everyone, not just me.