Safe Place

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Being good at hiding it is a curse and a blessing, in my opinion.

On one hand, you're protecting yourself from the people who'd use it against you or leave.

On the other hand, no one knows what's going on with you. No one has a damn clue. And because of that, the people who'd help never will simply because they don't know.

((((Fuzzybear))))

((((Bill))))

It's true I am pretty good at hiding my inner self. To the point not even I know who or what I am anymore. All I feel is mild pain in my head, and the vast presence of nothingness.

I'd hate to know I am cursed. I'd rather count my every blessing.

I can be Slim Shady, Mr.Robot, Dr.House, Dr.Strange, and myself sometimes, depends on where I am and what situation I am in. In the real world I am mostly Mr.Robot. Sometimes I am myself. And I've managed to change myself in such a way that people laugh at my jokes rather than myself.

This is a by Eminem, if you like rap, you should like this as well. You can get yourself uplift and be completely distracted from your depression by listening to music like this. It works for me well.

I'd rather live like a science god (I am! I am so talented... and it's what my doctors and teachers think as well) rather than a fallen angel (I am that as well. Had my glory days before psychosis hit me)

If I put my mind to, I still can be a top dog hacker. Or a brilliant doctor. So can you. I have observed you have problems similar to me. And if we share the same brain, I think you can achieve the same level of success as me. Pick your interest, work on your social skills, increase your talent, enjoy life, mentally curse at your mental demons, and you're pretty good to go.

Thank you, TheLonelyChemist.

I think you should not be like, "I am so bad.. I cannot do this... I keep feeling down...", I know IT IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE. But you keep telling yourself "I am the person I want to be!" every day, keep distracting yourself every day (read blogs, listen to music, do your hobbies, enjoy life, ride geared bikes, attend parties) it may be hard, but it'll be worth it.

Be like,
"I am about to,
Smash into everyone,
Crash like F-15,
Damage already done,
Y'all should be,
Fack, fack on everyone
Fack, fack on everyone,
Fack, fack on everyone,
Fack, fack on everyone,
I am a Kamikaze,
I am gonna..."

This guy, Marshall Mathers III, has brain damage. Look at his raps. Even healthy rappers who are piss afraid of dissing him... and he literally destroys careers of those who diss him or his daughter Hailey. There's a guy rapper named Machine Gun Kelly... look at the comments on his video Rap Devil, which is a diss to Eminem, Eminem wrote a song called Rap God where he literally raps like a god. So this guy has comments like, "He just signed his own death warrant" in his videos, which have like thousands of likes, every hour.

Look for yourself.

Killshot - Genius.com lyrics

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Rap Devil - Genius.com lyrics
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So it's a healthy rapper vs a brain damaged rap god. Really, look for yourself and discuss this with me further.

Eminem is one of the reasons why I am still living. He saved my life but he ain't no doctor.

With all of my friends being huge Eminem fans, I haven't stopped hearing about it. Not that I mind, I'm a bit if a fan myself. The artists that helped me stay alive are artist's like Linkin Park, Mike Shinoda, Breaking Benjamin, Twenty One Pilots, Jake Hill, Josh A and lately Shinigami. When it comes to Eminem, the song Beautiful helps me a lot when I'm down.

Focusing on my hobbies also means coping for me. To work through things in a constructive manner, I write. I don't know if I'm any good. I honestly think all of my work is mediocre at best. I'll post this poem to give an example:

"Hold me, I need a safe place. Please hold me, I know I'm a disgrace. I know you won't because I'm stuck in what we used to be. I still remember you taking a knee. I remember when you loved me. Too bad I could never see, that it would never last.

You think I hate you, you think but I know. I know I still can't go, maybe in a year or so [we'll see]. But I'm still here to lift you while I'm low and below. I'm so ****ing alone, isolating myself, ignoring my phone. I wouldn't change a thing but I wish I wouldn't have run. I'd do anything to bring us back, too bad you already know that. I sit here racking my mind while I spin around your thumb. If we're the sum total of who we love, you must be so ******* numb. Outside in the rain I'll remain. Just waiting to breathe."

I wrote this while dealing with thoughts of my ex. I'm still not over it, but this is how I'm trying.

Eminem is incredibly skilled, even if he wasn't brain damaged.

I do listen to some Twenty One Pilots and Linkin Park, but I am not quite interested in the other generes. Perhaps because I am bit too much of an *** to listen to calm music...? I think I get it, you don't like violent music. That is a negative point for you to be diagnosed as a psychopath. I am a pony but I still listen to violent music anyway. Not that I don't like TV music (House MD, Mr.Robot, or anything related to medicine or heroism.)

Honestly, I like writing too. I am not kidding. Do you know about the subreddit nosleep? It's a subreddit where people, ameaturs and professionals alike, post horror stories. There's a pretty good writer called nazisharks. I read a series written by him there, and I was pretty much blown away. After a while, the reddit moderators interviewed him, which wasn't surprising as he had won several reddit awards, and I found out he's a professional writer.


You can read the more detailed version there, but as he put it, it takes THOUSANDS OF HOURS to become good at something. I am a pretty gifted individual, not to brag, but even I am slow at learning things like writing. So don't quite worry whether or not you, still depressed, think that your writing is mediocre.

I actually like that poem. It reminded of my own story where I resurrected the character Kyle Lendey of C R Walker from the novel/story Borrasca. The ending made me cry a lot and as I was new to PC back then, I thought, "Why in the hell I should not do some good work?" And wrote it. It turned out to have a story like a four year old's dreams...

Kyle and his friends visit a haunted house, Kyle makes a reference to the TV show Grey's Anatomy, and that's it, couldn't go further. Never posted it online or offline for that matter... so yeah, I believe you're not alone.

Keep doing what you're doing. It took me more than two years to just be stabalized and be where I am. I am not much psychotic anymore, but I still have a long way to go.

Can't say I've read anything on nosleep, but you have me interested. I may check it out today. I'm glad you liked the poem, more than anything I write for me. Rarely do I like to share my work with anyone. I have started making lyrics for my music. Maybe that'll take me somewhere. All I want to do is write, whether it be stories, poems or music. I just love writing. It's cool you're a writer too, maybe we could show each other our work, it's up to you, though.

If you like Eminem, you should check out this kid Token. He's pretty good in my honest opinion.

So far today I've been okay. Yesterday was hard, though. I had a lot of intrusive memories and thoughts (thoughts being violent things to do to myself or someone else) and a few flashbacks. I dissociated most of the day. I didn't realize until it was too late that I'd forgotten to take my meds that morning (including my antipsychotic). Darkness rolled around and my hallucinations became overwhelming. Today I've started a new (possibly temporary) addition to my cocktail. My PCP was uncomfortable about the idea of upping one of my meds and he'd rather leave that to my pdoc. Instead he gave me Adderall. I'm just feeling drugged today, hopefully I'll adjust soon. I feel so screwed up today. I didn't realize how much my mental health relies on my meds. I hate that it does. I'm dependent on something that can easily be taken away.

Why cannot we share each other's work? Excellent idea. Do you post your work online? Can you PM me one of your stories?

As for myself, I do write, but since I am under tremendous pressure from family members to not use the computer for long enough to write a good story on keyboard, I cannot write good stories without rushing. If you're interested, check out my somewhat childish story based on my life, called Life is Pain.

Also, I just checked Token's age, he's nineteen.... damn, only two years older than me. I wish I would have had fame like him at this age, cause I am talented too but nobody appreciates that.

I'll edit one of my stories up for you. I'll also read your story today when I have time. Yeah, Token's pretty sick. What's your area of talent?

In case of literature, I am still searching my area of talent. I have written a few stories here and there, but I have never set down and analyzed them. However, I absolutely LOVE reading and watching fiction. I mostly like mystery, horror, thriller, and medical drama.

In case of academics, I have a natural talent in biology and chemistry. Before I realized I have memory problems, I used got the almost perfect score in the preliminary examination in both of the cases... then crap happened and I only pass now, I cannot have a good score due to all my complications. I hate working with my hands, however, I am pretty good at organic chemistry lab work.

Also, in case of computer science, I've been really, really interested in computer science & electronics. I always loved to dissect the electronic world.... I want to help people, make something good out of it, that's why I am now trying to work as a computer engineer instead... but since we don't have much freedom here, universities don't allow changing subjects. So I am a bit stuck at the pre-medical course, which isn't very useful as my psychiatrist told me last time I cannot be a doctor, and this time I was too scared to ask. So I am kind of giving hope on becoming a doctor...

My life is kind of like .

Please let me know what you think about my work.

Edit : Joyner Lucas is very talented too. Check out his .

"Get up Johnny boy, get up Johnny boy
Get up 'cause the world has left you lying on the ground
You're my pride and joy, you're my pride and joy
Get up Johnny boy 'cause we all need you now."

That is some talent Nice!

I'll check out your work soon. I've been super distracted as of late and I'm particularly busy until tonight. Can't wait to read it!

TheLonelyChemist just read your short story. I wrote a comment on it but I wanted to say here that I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing that.

Thank you again. I'll make sure to try to spend some more time writing, so we can share each other's stories. Have you written anything over PsychCentral?

I've written a few things. I'll have to find them in the morning.

I can wait.

Alright. Waiting is up... and I'm nervous. Just a little. Don't be afraid to tell me you don't like it or that it's sub optimal. It's definitely short but that was sort of the point. Anyway, here it is: Lost In This Storm

Your writing is great, I cannot imagine myself writing like that. However, it MAYYYYYYY upset you, but I think the story should have had a plot. I know, there's a plot of depression, but an average reader may find it difficult to understand that the writer has a great potential.

If I were you, I'd focus on character development. It releases emotions too.

I agree. Sò leigheas, you're a really good writer, and it shows even just from your posts on here

Yeah, that was just a short excerpt I posted here. It's from a larger story I wrote but that was my favorite passage out of the whole story. Thank you for your kind words and useful criticism.

I've written another excerpt but can't post it because of gore and possibly triggering someone. I could PM it to you if you'd like.

The pleasure is mine! It was a good read!


Feel free to PM me.