Mom 70 depressed resenting dad

Hi,

I don't even know where exactly to post this.

My mother, 70 years old, is - I'm pretty sure - depressed but in denial refusing treatment. She doesn't get out of the bed, in the dark, barely eats, and (my mistake, I mentioned this symptom*) says she thought about a form of suicide, but she then thought she would be all over the news so gave up...she says she's 70 y.o. she'll die soon, nothing left here for her.
I told her that's the depression talking: there is a lot of life to live and things always change, that defeating thought is a symptom of depression , she needs to take specific medication to change her perspective on things, redesign her "self" and ignore my father for a while.

She says I'm full of BS philosophy, and my sister reinforces this too.

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The long story:

She's retired, before she was unemployed; they have been struggling financially for decades (worse since the crisis - europe).
So for a long time she's been home alone and became depressed.
For the last 5-7 years she's been faking/exaggerating illnesses. She always played this game from time to time, but lately it was getting to a point of insanity: every day she had a illness or pain and couldn't leave the bed, though all the exams showed she was fine.
Not being able to keep that story, depression finally kicked in hard and expressed verbally.
She started ruminating about her past, her marriage, her decisions, and resenting everything my father did to her over the last 40 years.
Apparently he cheated on her many times until a few years ago (I think he still does), goes online for dating or porn (not sure if he meets them) and he always treated her like crap - he works hard, true, does everything for us, true, but assumes women are maids, secretaries, wives and mothers...he's bossy, yells, and calls her names when he's angry at her. But for the rest, is a good man. Honest, hardworking, easygoing, funny and likes to have the family together (ironically).
She has been there for him for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer (but so did he), in sickness and health, raising us basically alone while being his and our maid and never cheated on him. She took a lot of crap, it's true. Even when she was sick. His mother was also a b* to her. She's absolutely right about her feelings.

BUT, she also had many many good years with him and this is really the mix of depression + her martyr personality + real painful events
She's magnifying the bad times and ignoring that for most of the time she had fun, family, friends, they went out, on vacations, etc. And they were fine. They used to talk a lot. This is a recent feeling that she now extends for 40 years and happened after being stuck at home alone with no money.
Anyway, she can't and doesn't want to divorce him, but he doesn't admit it, calls her crazy and stupid for "imagining" things and doesn't apologize for cheating and treating her like a ****** maid for more than 40 years. He could. he could simply be honest and humble and do it (I'll try to talk to him alone)...

But it won't change anything, because she's depressed. She won't feel better.

I'm insisting she needs to ask her doctor to prescribe her specific medication, because the idea of a deadline and nothing ever will be better is typical depression thinking and medication alone changes that.
What else can I do?
I'll talk to my father to make him recognize how *** he was, even if this is a mental breakdown.
I'll keep insisting with her to go see her doctor...but she'll keep refusing.
I'll wait for a crisis to call an ambulance? (she says if I call them, she'll kick me and them...I know they can take care of it).
I'll be out of here in a few months...(now I'm almost regretting leaving. My bf is way worse than my father was to her and if I was thinking twice before moving in with him, now I'm thinking 1000x)

Everything else aside its inappropriate for your mom to confide in you about your own father. Her marriage is something she needs to work on. It is not your job to pull her out of depression by talking to your dad for her.

I would make the appointment, have a family intervention and convince her or drag her if necessary to a doctor who could prescribe antidepressants. If she won’t go, make her take brisk walks for the depression. Don’t take no for an answer.
Don’t live w your boyfriend. You can do a lot better and you know it. Hugs!

I've thought about that: make the appointment myself and/or talk to her doctor and ask for suggestions. Maybe he can call her or something (not sure how dedicated he is to his patients)
She doesn't do anything I suggest. She's a stubborn difficult person who only dwells on problems but doesn't work on solutions.
I have invited her to go with me here or there but she refused. She goes out with my sister sometimes, though... If she doesn't stay longer in bed is because I threaten her that if she keeps doing it I'll call an ambulance.


About the boyfriend...I know.

I know... It can be a big mistake...let's see what life brings until then

Actually, she didn't want to tell me what was happening. But I needed her to open up, because she was driving me crazy. I didn't want to know those details, but I'm a grown up. She's a woman, he's a man, and this is nothing new. I even told her (ugh) to not take the porn thing as cheating because all men do it since ever. I caught his browsing history. He doesn't understand IT, so he has no idea there's a history...
I hear her as: "woman complaining man is cheating" and try (ugh) to ignore they are my parents.
She needs to get out of this state of mind.

I'm sorry for the situation
I think it is normal to have a hard time and to cope with feelings of rejection
She's an adult, that's true. Maybe her inner child feels betrayed or messed up
I'm not sure of this but it could be a good idea to give her a chance to open up more with a psychotherapist, someone kind. maybe you can carry her there

I'd say your father should behave a bit better. But I imagine how complicated is the situation and how difficult it is for you to talk with both of them

That's the problem. She refuses to go. Says she's not depressed, that I think I know everything and my theories are BS.
I had a serious depression some years ago, so I know what is like. And I told her that. Her answer: "It's not comparable", she says. I told her (trying to not get offended...) depression is depression, the symptoms are the same, psychologists don't get confused just because the situation changes.



My father...well, I'm just not so shocked because (sorry male community): he's a man. They (I'll add "almost" to not be offensive) all cheat. I work with men, I share the computer, I know stories. Married, they like their families, but they cheat.

But she's painting him like a horrible person. Saying he only stayed with her for pity. For us. I don't believe that. He liked her just as much as she liked him. But 40 years are 40 years.

My mother is really not an accountable person and since all I say is self development BS I just can't make her think about her role. And that's also depression: it's all everyone else's fault. Ultimately she decided to stay with him, no one forced her. She has excuses for when she was younger, older, much older.

Unfortunately you can't force her to change. She needs to make the first step by herself. If she doesn't do that, then she can't improve. I know it's hard but it is important for you not to stree yourself too much ove rit. You have only limited control over Her Actions And Decisions. Be kind to yourself. I am also REALLY sorry that Your Father/Her Husband has been so abusive to her. Yes, it may not have been ALL bad, but it seems clear to me that his behavior effected Her in several ways - and I'm not just referring to him watching porn. Please do not make the same mistake with your Boyfriend. If he's treating you badly, leave him. Unfortunately we pick out our partner choosing habits from our own parents. It seems like you're aware of it at least so good for you! Do not fall into the same traps. Fight back! If you still want to move, perhaps there are some friends that you can ask for some help to? In any case, My Advice would be to do what you can to support your Mother, but don't force her to do anything. You can suggest to her what she may do, but the decision will be Hers. I'm so sorry things are being so hard for ALL of you! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @walkingby, your Family, your Friends, your Mother, your Father, your Boyfriends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK, MY DEAR, SWEET, KIND, AWESOME AND WONDERFUL FRIEND?!

I hope so. I'm going to give this some time while balancing my affection to both of them. She now knows I know what's wrong and what I think about it. My father has no idea I've finally talked to her. He's trying to fix it by being normal, but it's not doing much, then he gets frustrated and goes back to his normal self, annoyed that she doesn't snap out of it he snaps: "Get out of the bed! Join us! Stop it!".

And he's right to a certain extent. She's prolonging this problem more than she needs to. They have talked about it, he's being nice to her, he's also sad, but he doesn't know how to be sweet. It's unnatural to him to be sweeter than this. And he probably believes that if he keeps denying it, she'll give up fighting. The easy road.
She doesn't want to forgive him. She now says it's too late.

I don't believe SHE likes him. I think she's finding excuses to blame him for her lost of feelings.

I'm not sure if she's not hiding something too. Because, I think she was infatuated by a younger guy - a friend of one of their friends' daughters - and either realized she was being silly, or felt she had no chance, or he started dated someone and she felt rejected. I say this because, some months ago, she was always talking about him, he's in a band, she was all night on the computer listening to music, learning new songs, knowing his band. And suddenly she broke down. Deleted her facebook account, doesn't want to go see their friends anymore, never again listened any music and stopped talking about him.


Maybe she felt like a young janis joplin, liked the attention, the connection, but when she realized it was never going to work out, she realized she had made a wrong choice. And now is looking for excuses. I told her she can't like my father, I've seen how she looks at him and talks about him to him, with resentment for her choice. "He's fat, look at this".

They're both humans.


I just hope she doesn't do anything bad to him or her.


Sorry about these sordid details. But the atmosphere is so toxic. Everything was fine, being here is also very convenient, and now this toxic environment.