Non functional

I don't know why it happened (well, I have an idea)...But tonight at rehearsal, I basically stopped functioning. My brain kind of turned off, I couldn't pay attention to what was going on, couldn't remember things I know really well (music, choreography)...

Ever since then, I feel like I'm losing function. Like if I stop doing stuff, I won't be able to do anything.

...I feel like crying, but I can't. I physically can't - no tears will come. I feel like sleeping, but I'm not even tired. I just want to curl up in a ball, hide underneath the blankets and never come out.

((((Sing))) ... have you seen the counselor yet? sounds like it'd be good?

No, I haven't yet...Mom just called again today, so...

i just thought going into "blank" phase was worth paying attention to ...

Yeah...Blank states are not good. The one I was in earlier was the worst. I never felt so bad as when I posted this original post. Never.

I'm feeling better now though.

I talked to my friend, and it started out normally...With me being all blah and talking about how crap I was feeling, and then at some point in the middle, it changed. We started having a conversation like we used to have before I really started becoming the way I am now. I felt good. I wasn't feeling tired, or down, or overwhelmed, or depressed or anything. Just good. I didn't realize it until the conversation had died down, but...It was certainly a pleasant and welcome surprise! I haven't felt that way in ages. I can't even tell you the last time it happened.

That feeling has diminished a lot though. I mean, I'm not feeling down or anything, but, the high has disappeared.

just my opinion, but i think we sometimes, without complete awareness, allow ourselves to become overwhelmed.. the "blank" state may be a warning.. too much going on?

There certainly was a lot going on at rehearsal yesterday...First off, I had to be social which meant I had to be pretty fake and well, one can only do that so much, and on Wednesday I was at the mall being social so there wasn't really any recovery time. Then of course, there was music. We went over music, and I hardly remembered any of it. It was during the dance part of the rehearsal that I shut down. I was tired physically, mentally, tired of faking and playing around...

> I had to be social which meant I had to be pretty fake...

What will happen if you are not fake?

I think there are many ways to be "not fake" and maybe some of them would be OK for you...

If I'm not fake, then people figure out that there's something wrong. I can't let that happen. Most of the time, no good comes out of it. If I'm not fake, then I don't really talk to most people. If I'm not fake, I can't even pretend to have fun which will sometimes fool me into having somewhat of a good time.

sounds like your mourning your non fake self? Perhaps feeling you have to fake is a feeling from a long way back when ones self is still developing and something so profound happens that one dies and becomes an empty shell and forever griefs the death of the authentic self?

Mouse - Yes, I guess in a way I am mourning my non fake self. I'm hardly ever real, and that's not cool. I don't even remember when I started being fake, but it was awhile ago. I think it was probably when things started getting bad, and I didn't want anyone to know that there was anything wrong.

And on a different subject:

...Now I feel inadequate. I was talking to my friend J, and he started talking about his crush. Then, he started talking about this other girl in youth group...And he went on and on about both of them saying how great and amazing they are blah blah blah. First of all, you don't do that. When you're a guy, you don't talk about the girls you like with other girls. It's wrong. Second of all, you definitely don't do it after the girl you're talking to says new topic! Yes, I understand you like them, I understand you think they're great...But honestly, I don't care, especially because it's taken away from how he acts around me!

OMG i know the fake thing!!! i hate having to be something and smile and yet i do it so good!! ugghhh, without the fake me, i sometimes feel there is no me...yet i hear so many conflicting things about myself...i dunno...

((((((((((((((((((((sing))))))))))))))))))))) sometimes your body or mind cares for itself and protects itself in ways we dun understand...i hope you have more and more moments of clarity like that until it is the moments of unrest and unpeace become uncommon you are able to deal with them in a way that doesnt tear you apart...if that makes sense...ughh, melanie

Don't worry Mrs (I'm gonna keep calling you that although I now know your name, it seems more right) - you make sense

Yeah. Being fake sucks, yet it comes so naturally now. It's absolutely ridiculous how I do it without even thinking anymore. And yes, when not being fake I don't really know what to do.

I do think that being fake is sort of like a defense mechanism. With it, I have something to hide behind; without it, I don't.

And speaking of being fake...

Naked by Avril Lavigne:

I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside
'Cause life is like a game sometimes

But then you came around me
The walls just disappeared
Nothing to surround me
And keep me from my fears
I'm unprotected
See how I've opened up
Oh, you've made me trust

Because I've never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right

I'm trying to remember
Why I was afraid
To be myself and let the
Covers fall away
I guess I never had someone like you
To help me, to help me fit
In my skin

I never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right

I'm naked
Oh oh yeah
Does it show?
Yeah, I'm naked
Oh oh, yeah yeah

I'm so naked around you
And I can't hide
You're gonna see right through, baby

This song is so true for me and my friendship with Z. Z is the only person I'm ever completely real around, and when I'm not being real, he knows and calls me out on it, usually in a questioning way...Like if I say something's OK and it's not, he'll say something like it doesn't sound OK. But the thing is, it's not weird being real with him, I feel perfectly comfortable with it and I know that nothing bad will come from it.

> Being fake sucks, yet it comes so naturally now. It's absolutely ridiculous how I do it without even thinking anymore.

Yeah. It takes a lot of work to reverse that.

> Z is the only person I'm ever completely real around...

Sounds good that you have at least one person like that.

Yeah...I don't know how to not be fake around most people. It's what happens. And yeah, it is good that I can be real with someone.