[hamstergirl]

BIG GULP

He phoned me. I was layiing in bed drowning in misery when he phoned, so I didn't even realize it was him until he left his message on my answering machine.

Dippy, my attendant friend of six years wants me to tell Richard that I do not want a sexual relationship with him and that if he persists in bugging me to call the police (THE POLICE?! A little bit extreme, don't you think)

All of this is making me want to crawl into my little foxhole and disappear, permanently. I wonder what Doug knows to suddenly call and want to appear on my doorstep now, not a week from now, not last week, not two weeks from now, not last month, but now. What makes him want to show up now, after I wrote a letter to Father Lindsay in the depths of despair? I never told Doug. How much does he know?

I am not mad that he is showing up, just frightenened that he will hear the despair in my voice and either blast me for self-pity or...do something else....something gentle, something kind. I'm not prepared for that. I'm prepared for people to be angry with me.

With everything that's going on, I just want to hide and never come out. My psychological well-being can go out the nearest window. I can't take Richard to the police because of my stupid sexual hang-ups. I wanted it all kept quiet.

Peanut butter and jelly nuts. If I find out someone talked to Doug, (irish accent), heads will roll!

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[inkblot]

I know its hard when you don't know or aren't sure of people's intentions. Fear of the unknown is powerful. It doesn't matter what it's about--how much does the person know, what information am I missing, what isn't this person telling me?! It's horrible, I know! It conjures up everything in our mind and let's imagination and mind go wild. Do what your heart tells you--go with your instincts. Filing a police report for harrassment that he won't leave you alone is an idea, but I really think you would need to accept that. You could always call the police (non-emergency number) and ask them for suggestions, just to get their opinion on the subject. It would be up to you what to do after hearing them. Try to be comfortable, but remember, you have to risk emotions to get better. I'll be thinking of you...{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hamstergirl}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[dexter]

>>I can't take Richard to the police because of my stupid sexual hang-ups. I wanted it all kept quiet.

Irregardless of the situation... if you say "no" and he doesn't respect that or doesn't believe it then there is a problem. If he is persistant than you can, and should, call the police. You have a right to your "sexual hangups" (your term ) whatever they may be... and no one in the universe has the right to deny you your wish to be left alone in that regard no matter what the reason.

Hope your visit with Doug goes well.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[hamstergirl]

I've been spending the day listening to Mozart's Requiem and feeling sad and afraid. Father Lindsay is seeing Richard on Wednesday. I've written Richard a letter in which I've made my feelings perfectly clear and why. If Richard wants to be my friend, great, but I don't want a sexual relationship with him. I have pretty compelling reasons for it too. And if Richard loves and respects me like he claims, he'll back off.

In case, he doesn't and this escalates, I'll know him for the kind of person he truly is, a predator who is interested only in his own pleasure and is willing to get it at all costs, even to the point of hurting a vulnerable human being who is unable to physically fight him off and who is intimidated by him. He will be so interested in his own pleasure that he is willing to add to my own considerable torment to get it.

Thankfully, I am not without allies. I may resent Dippy stepping in this strongly, offering to take me to the police station while I file a report, but she is being my friend. I have also made a duplicate letter to give to Father Lindsay and Doug, so if this escalates to the point of court action, Richard can't claim he never got the letter.

You see, I know all about the criminal justice system and stuff like DNA and restraining orders and stuff like that. While I am terrified to have to deal with this, I know exactly what I have to do to cover my rear.(although any other suggestions are welcome, fire them all off, I could use them.) First rule beingon't wash yourself after a rape, it destroys vital evidence.

If he decides to force himself on me, he will have a very hard time blaming my clothing for enticing him to do it. I don't have one lustful piece of clothing in my wardrobe and even if I did, Dippy has said she wouldn't put it on me.
He would have a hard time claiming consent for something that I sincerely believe would break every bone in my body. Of course his lawyers would try. I'm going to try and think of new and creative ways to protect myself. If this guy tries to hurt me, he's gonna wish he never heard of me.

He may have the strength advantage, but if I keep my cool, I can outwit this guy. All I have to do is stay in my wheelchair and I have the advantage.(The minute I leave it, I'm toast.)

All of this doesn't make me feel better of course. I feel like manure. Doug's coming down. I bought a disposable camera today so I could take some pictures. I look horrible, with the weight loss and all. I don't want to remember this time in my life, but I want proof that MY FRIEND came down here during the worst time of my life, to spend some time with me.

I played back the answering machine, just to hear his voice, a few times. I head him say something that made my heart melt. "Please don't be p*****d off at me." I don't want to hurt my friend like this. When I heard that, I just wanted to take him in my arms and gently rock him. Just keep him quiet if he's been crying over the past few days and just rock him. But I can't rock him of course. I'm trapped in this chair and this body.

I already feel horrible enough to want to give up the struggle. Now when Doug calls, I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to keep my emotions in check any more. When he walks in the door, he's going to see the look on my face, he's going to be able to see the pain in my eyes.

I can do what I can to hide the pain of course. But he's going to be here for (hopefully) two days. I can stay off-line while he's here. I can leave the music off. I won't cuddle my bears. Basically, I'll avoid doing anything that may cause me to have an emotional response, and anything that would get him to respond to it. Rocking my bear in my arms like a small child would do something to him if he were here to see it, I would think. So I'll hide that from him.

Why? Because my father would have yelled at me for feeling like this and I expect the same reaction from Doug. I want to save myself from that ever happening again, so that's why I isolate mainly. I'm avoiding my father and people like him. I expect people to react like him.

I feel very dark, very sad. I'm sitting alone in the dark, listening to Mozart. I expect to come to a bad end, perhaps even at Richard's hands, or I won't ever win this battle and escape my pit of despair and sorrow. I want to be tenderly held and yet I can't tell anyone how badly I feel or how deep the pain goes.

I just don't want Doug to hurt any more. But I can ease his pain easier than he can ease mine.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[silver_queen]

Hi Hamstergirl...sorry I haven't been around for a while and talked to you...

Sounds like you're in a pretty bad situation with Richard and all, but you've got it pretty much under control haven't you? You know the law, you've got plans, etc. If this Richrad tries to force himself on you he needs to go to jail and far worse besides.

I'm glad that Doug is visiting you. You may not want him to, but I imagine you'll like it when he's with you, where you can talk face-to-face, and really discuss things. He's your friend, remember that, there is no reason to be nervous, right?

_____________________
RIP Dexter...
<font color=red>The best dog ever!!!</font color=red>

<font color=green>In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning.</font color=green>
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

[LadyDragus]

I know Doug may have already been there and left by now..
but I do not think you should hide your feeling from him..

He is coming down for a reason. to see you..
Not to see a "made" up you..
Do what you would if I woudl be coming over.. ok..
treat him like the friend he is.. and that is all he would or will want..

from all the emails you sent me, and him and ozzie, I think that is what he would want out of you, the true you, not something you put up a front for..

<font color=purple>
Roam if you want to
Roam around the world
Roam if you want to
Without wings, without wheels
Roam if you want to
Roam around the world
Roam if you want to
Without anything but the love we feel
Written by B-52's
</font color=purple>