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  #1  
Old Aug 03, 2004, 09:38 PM
hamstergirl hamstergirl is offline
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He got behind my wheechair where I couldn't see him and I ran over him. I didn't actually see who I ran down,but there was a yowling and I had to drive OFF a cat.

I see Bandit and I see Jessie, but I do not see Smokey. I killed a kitten several years ago in the same fashion when its' paws got caught in the drive of my wheelchair, while exploring. I had to put it to sleep. I lost my Blizzy to pancreatis days later, put to sleep. Because I have to book my transportation a day in advance, I could be with neither of them when they died.

And now Smokey could be hurt and I can't see him, can't search for him and no one's coming in til morning.

I am going out to the river to stay, not to kill myself, just to stay. I will come back to feed the remaining cats and to charge my chair. I've had enough of things.

No going out there won't solve things. Staying here won't help either, it will just lead to more suffering alone, which I can't stand.

Regretfully, I must stay here long enough to charge my chair. I'll phone Dippy and tell her about Smokey. Then when my chair is charged, I'll leave.

I love him, but there's nothing I can do for him but phone Dippy. I can't even hold him. If I sell something, I will have the money to send him on his final journey.

Doug wouldn't care. He wouldn't understand why I'm crying over a cat who's slept with me night after night. My only companions in all this who I do not fear.

I assume I'm allowed to print this, or must I hop an ambulance and traumatize myself (get help) for this too? Because I'm getting sick and tired of this whole bloody game. And I bet you are too. As is Doug and Father Lindsay.

You really don't know what going into a hospital is like for me. you really don't and you can never know. And now my Smokey is probably dead.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
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There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

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  #2  
Old Aug 03, 2004, 09:58 PM
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inkblot inkblot is offline
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hamstergirl}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You are sweet, warm and loving. I can see that past your sadness. I feel bad that the cat may have been hurt. I hope it's not severe. Thinking of you!

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Just killed Smokey
  #3  
Old Aug 03, 2004, 10:03 PM
hamstergirl hamstergirl is offline
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Smokey's OK. Dippy had me track down a neighbour and he found Smokey in a box in a closet. The neighbour was in a wheelchair. The cat promptly ran off down the hall.

I thought Smokey would hide under the bed or behind the sofa. I called him. I looked around. I slid open the door to see if a cat would come running out.

Smokey's all right. His mother's another story. His mother is a nervous wreck. (When isn't she?) OK she's a nervous wreck knowing she could have killed a cat tonight and has to confront a man who frightens her tomorrow. And she's getting those burning pains again, for which nothing will be done.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
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There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
  #4  
Old Aug 03, 2004, 10:41 PM
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inkblot inkblot is offline
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Glad to hear the kitty's okay! That's great!!! Such a relief for both of us, thank you for telling.

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Just killed Smokey
  #5  
Old Aug 03, 2004, 11:24 PM
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Wants2Fly Wants2Fly is offline
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Hi Hamster Girl --

I love you so much, and I see so much of myself in you. I am so happy that your friend Smokey is okay. I was out of town and offline during some of your other recent challenges, not "not caring."

You have had so many things to face recently that injuring your beloved pet would have been something you did not deserve. Do you see how your mind played games with you, putting you through even more stress over something that we imagined?

I do this to myself ALL the time, so I recognize the symptom. It can be hard to change the stories we tell ourselves, but it is the difference between we who are depressed and people who go through life without this hell.

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Just killed Smokey
  #6  
Old Aug 04, 2004, 02:09 AM
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PlanningtoLive PlanningtoLive is offline
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I'm glad your cat is okay. My son and I just got some kittens in June and already they have such a place in our lives - I never would have believed it. Even with me, such as I am.

The extra stress and tension I hope can calm down now - your friend is safe..........here's hoping his "mom" is too.


Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
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  #7  
Old Aug 04, 2004, 03:09 AM
hamstergirl hamstergirl is offline
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It's just too bad that I'm so afraid of people and of being hurt by them that I feel I must lock myself up in my apartment. Because of that, I can't truly share my sweetness, my warmth, my love. That really hurts me, more than the pain that I must treat with the morphine.

I can only trust people through long distance relationships: people who can't come over and give me a hug, but neither can they break into my apartment and hurt me.

As a certain man at my church may be able to do once I tell him I do not want a sexual relationship with him. He may just take no for an answer. But he has cursed me out in the past. Why stop there? I've heard of too many men who just take what they want and leave their victims in the dust.

Richard could take what he wants from me very easily and I could do nothing to stop him that could not be stopped by an ominous threat.

It was a mistake to start going to church. A mistake that will be quickly remedied. Something like this will never happen again because a pervert will never get a chance to approach me again. No one else will get that chance either. I cannot tell what a pervert looks like just by looks, so I have to assume everyone is dangerous. It will spare me this misery and fear from happening again.

It will also "spare" me having a normal life filled with light and happiness and that just makes me sadder.

I wish my father had not taught me his vision of life and I wish I were as ugly as a toad. I wish I had been born a man. No one would be approaching me with sexual comments then. I wish Richard had kept his big mouth shut and had kept his eyes off me. I don't feel flattered that he wanted me. I feel scared and sick.

My sadness has been increased.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
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There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
  #8  
Old Aug 04, 2004, 03:37 AM
hamstergirl hamstergirl is offline
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Of course, my mind plays games with me.

"I've made my friends mad at me with all my e-mails to them. They're going to get mad if I tell them I'm suicidal. They'll get mad if I run away. They don't care. They don't understand. I have to hide how I'm feeling from them."

"I'm going to get yelled at, hit or raped by anyone who gets too close to me." "Richard the Creep is going to hurt, rape or kill me." "I've killed the cat."

"I've brought all this on myself. This pain business is my fault. It's God's payback for the psychiatric institute. I could have done something to prevent this."

"Any doctor who touches me is going to make a similiar mistake and leave me screaming in agony. I'm going to die in a nursing home."

"I'm a freak. I've driven away every friend I ever had and ever will have."

"I scare people away with my writing. I freak them out. That's why they don't write back."

"I'm going to die in pain. I'm going to die soon, during my next operation."

"I'm going to die friendless and alone. Doug and Father Lindsay are going to abandon me."

"People are going to think less of me if I start screaming or crying."

"I'm a failure in life."

"I'm an ugly person. My wheelchair makes me ugly."

"Only a sick pervert would want to have a close relationship with me."

I don't think I need to go on. And I actually believe all this. So now you know the wasteland I live in. You know it's not a game.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
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There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
  #9  
Old Aug 04, 2004, 10:59 AM
SS8282 SS8282 is offline
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((((((((((((((hamster)))))))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry. You're right - I can't fully imagine what it's like for you, but I can empathize and sympathize. Hope you are ok. So glad kitten is ok. Take care please.

  #10  
Old Aug 04, 2004, 11:14 AM
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gloria gloria is offline
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Hamstergirl,
It is hard to know what words to use to tell you what I think of you.

You have a gift when it comes to expressing your thoughts and feelings, many of the people in this forum doesn't have that.

You are also a tremendous source of courage for many of us, that is also a gift.

You heart is truthful! you are so transparent It is beautifull! I would say honesty is also another one of your gifts.

I wish I had a wand and give you all you want, but I don't so, all I can give you is lots of love and sincere regards.

Please know many of us care.

gab
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  #11  
Old Aug 04, 2004, 12:29 PM
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silver_queen silver_queen is offline
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I was somewhat scared when I read about your Smokey, and I was so relieved when you told us he was still alive! I know how much you love your cats.

I really don't like the sound of Richard the Creep. Can't you tell Father Lindsay about him, or Doug? Can't F. Lindsay get him thrown out of the congregation? He (Richard) doesn't sound very religious to me.

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RIP Dexter...
<font color=red>The best dog ever!!!</font color=red>

<font color=green>In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning.</font color=green>
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  #12  
Old Aug 04, 2004, 03:57 PM
hamstergirl hamstergirl is offline
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Hi silver, good to see you back. If I'm overusing the trigger notation, forgive me. I'd rather overuse it than underuse it and I do use graphic language.

Richard the Creep is free to go where he will. Freer than I am. Until something nasty happens to me, Richard isn't going anywhere. So it is I that will have to find another group to hang with, because I am not giving him a chance to turn vicious on me. All he has done is made a few inappropriate comments, cursed me out and chased me across the street to do it. He may not be violent at all and yet I am terrified of him. Why?

I have to find another meditation group. That means there will be stairs to face and pain to deal with. That may mean I will have no group at all. That is what I meant when I said Richard was freer than I was.

Doug and Father Lindsay already know about this guy. Doug can't do anything from 500 miles out but notified Father Lindsay about him without asking me. He has done that at least twice about certain things. I was so mad at first. Now I just notify them both when something ugly is going on, not because I trust Father Linday so much, but because Doug would rat me out anyway and I want to save him the trouble. Anyway, for some things I don't want to be in a state of mortal sin.

It's turning out to be a bad day. Smokey may be hurt after all. He's been growling at Jessie all day. My cathethar's been leaking so I had to call a nurse. And Father Lindsay's away all day. So I'm not sure if he's going to be able to confront Richard tonight. I'm not nuts enough to do it myself. I had a letter typed up with all the reasons why I shouldn't start a sexual relationship with him, none of which were "Father Lindsay and I think you may be dangerous." Like "after the trauma of being cathetharized month after month, I don't want a man touching me."

I wasn't that elaborate, but I did tell him in the letter that I needed help, and that getting help for that problem was not a priority at the moment. I was going to tell him that I was not going to force the issue for him or anyone else, but when I was ready.

I know cathetharization isn't supposed to be a big deal for most disabled people. But for me, it is. It is very invasive and therefore, very traumatic. I'm sick of the nurse getting that close of a look at a part of me that I was taught to be ashamed of.

So since I am flipping out at all this, there must be something wrong with me. I would hope Richard would understand and set his sights on and find someone else who's a little less screwed up, someone who would appreciate his crude comments, if he "loves" and "respects" me like he says he does.

If he sees that letter and curses me out, then he really is a creep.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
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There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
  #13  
Old Aug 05, 2004, 06:19 AM
hamstergirl hamstergirl is offline
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Sigh, I'm sorry SS if I sound like I blew up at you, but I come from a social caste (the disabled) where 41 percent of us believe that our lives will not improve in the future
People with disabilities are less likely to eat out, socialize or attend religious services.than their non disabled counterparts
They are twice as likely to drop out of high school as their non-disabled counter-parts
-Three times as likely to live in poverty
35 percent employment rate
only 34 percent of disabled respondents report being very satisfied with life, compared to 61 percent of people without disabilities.

This was done by an advocacy organization in the States. I hardly expect things are better in Canada. Doug said not everyone acts cynical and in despair in my situation. Well excuse me, but it looks like a good many of my people are cynical and in despair. At least I feel a little better, knowing that there are people who hate their living conditions as much as I hate mine and can do nothing about them. I wish we could do something.

Question of the day: how many of the respondants on the survey suffered from depression????

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
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There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
  #14  
Old Aug 05, 2004, 02:38 PM
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silver_queen silver_queen is offline
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Hi hamstergirl. Listen there is nothing wrong in how you're feeling. You are scared of Richard the Creep. Is that unnatural? Certainly not. Most able-bodied women would be scared by somebody who practically stalked them all day, and to be frank they do have the power to run away if they wish and yet they're still scared. I would def be scared if I was in your position, I wouldn't like to leave the house and I would be nervous if I did. So hamstergirl this guy is just intimidating you, and that's horrible and disgusting. He's such a loser, and he certainly doesn't deserve you feeling guilty about what's happening. He deserves a good **** in the you-know-where and more besides.

>>I had a letter typed up with all the reasons why I shouldn't start a sexual relationship with him, none of which were "Father Lindsay and I think you may be dangerous." Like "after the trauma of being cathetharized month after month, I don't want a man touching me."<<

You had a letter typed up to give to Richard, to tell him why you don't want sexual relations with him? If I'm understanding that correctly. If I am, there's no need to give him any explanation of why you don't want a relationship with him. You don't want to get involved with him, and that's that, no explanations needed. If he asks why, tell him there's no reason why he should know.

>>So since I am flipping out at all this, there must be something wrong with me.<<
Of course there isn't. Anybody would be intimidated. Just stand up to him. he's a loser and doesn't deserve to be humoured.

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RIP Dexter...
<font color=red>The best dog ever!!!</font color=red>

<font color=green>In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning.</font color=green>
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
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  #15  
Old Aug 05, 2004, 08:23 PM
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Wants2Fly Wants2Fly is offline
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Hi Hamster Girl -- I so love Gloria's words about you -- the transparency of your heart and the way you express yourself.

As I look over the look of negative statements that your mind -- and many of them speak to the minds of all of we depressed -- two stand out.

The first is that you've brought this all on yourself. Hooey. Not your physical illness. Not the depression.

As for the negative response we get from society, yes, we are stigmatized and misunderstood.

The other thing is about telling yourself that only a pervert would want to have sex with you.

I've mentioned my friend Alan before, an MD patient from brith, who could barely hold a glass to his lips with 2 hands, confined to a wheelchair, couldn't do anything without help. But he was such a flirt and "people person." His room was always filled with a person or two come to see him. I would find absurdly handsome men there, asking Uncle Al for relationship advice -- not the other way around.

I also recently finished reading some information about how quadripelgics can learn to have orgasms by discovering very sensitive erogenous places on other parts of their bodies -- the inside of a elbow, etc. And surely no one thinks that Christopher Reeve's wife is a "sick pervert," do they?

Thank you so much for sharing your brave story and loving heart with us.

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Just killed Smokey
  #16  
Old Aug 05, 2004, 08:38 PM
mj14 mj14 is offline
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hamstergirl, I wonder if you realize that you said something very positive when you said "Of course, my mind plays games with me." That shows that at least at some level you know that all of those negative things you listed are not true. Almost all of the statements you listed are just plain false, and the rest are things you can't possibly know for sure, so they are just guesses. So even though you believe those things, some part of you knows that they are really lies.

Now, there are certain facts and realities of your life. But believing those lies adds to that real-life challenges you face. What I would really love to see is for you to take that intellect and writing skill you possess, and write down all the reasons that just one of those negative things isn't true.

I know that all those things you said about having a disability are true. But I guess the really important thing is, do you want to be one of the two thirds, or would you rather be one of the one-third that does find happiness?

*hugs*
mj

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>
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  #17  
Old Aug 05, 2004, 09:45 PM
hamstergirl hamstergirl is offline
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He doesn't stalk me all day. He DID follow me across the street when I was deliberately trying to avoid the guy, to kindly point out I wasn't wearing a bra under my shirt. After a short awkward interchange, he left. And there was one other time when we ran into each other and he tried to block my way. I tried to get the ^%$# out of there, Finally, he gave up, cursed me and left.

This is a man who took me out for pizza and then started talking about sex all through the meal, even though I tried to change the subject. He took me out for coffee and the same thing happened. He finally told me he was sexually attracted to me and that was why he had taken me out. I don't know what happened after that but I left very quickly. I quit going to Christian meditation for over a year after that, just to avoid him. I'm doing that now.

This was the first time we had been out. I barely knew this man.
After he cursed me, he found out about my pain from a parishioner, his tune changed. He became nice. He started to say that he had respect for women and that God wanted me to go out with men. A small part of me was fooled by this transformation, but a larger part was very suspicious. I was about to dismiss my street smarts when Father Lindsay confimed the matter for me. I have been AVOIDING the church ever since, the church where I have practically lived for several months...all to avoid running into Richard. I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want him near me.

You see, silver, what would offend most women would frighten me. I have osteoporosis and I am quite unable to defend myself. I have to assume the worst where Richard or any man is concerned, because once they got me out of my wheelchair, I would be completely immobile, unable to reach a phone if an attacker so chose. I could die of dehydration if the attack was timed just right. An attacker could snap my legs like toothpicks without even breaking a sweat. Or torture me for hours by rubbing my feet.

Father Lindsay said this guy had deep problems...that's all it takes to fill me with terror.

I will probably never be able to enjoy a relationship with a man because my problems run just as deep. Mention sex, and I can't get out of the room fast enough. And the funny part is: I wasn't even assaulted!

I will be hiding from that church for the rest of my life. In fact, I will be spending the majority of my life locked up in my apartment just to be safe.

Doug would just shrug and say: if that's your choice...Well no one CHOOSES this kind of fear.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
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There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
  #18  
Old Aug 05, 2004, 10:07 PM
cat_eye cat_eye is offline
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I am so sorry about your cat. Pet loss is so hard - it's exactly like losing a member of your family. I hope you'll be all right. If you have AIM, you can IM me on Trippychickx if you want to talk.

  #19  
Old Aug 06, 2004, 01:11 AM
hamstergirl hamstergirl is offline
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You have given me some serious food for thought if it's any comfort to you.

I would much rather be among the one third that finds happiness. I don't see how that is possible given my circumstances. But I would rather find happiness.

Of course dealing with disability is 90% a mind game, 10 percent physical. The biggest battle is won or lost in the mind. You lose the battle in the mind, you lose the war. Begging your pardon, my mind needs a little work, because it's been smashed by mental illness and years of emotional abuse and living in isolation.

Proving one of my statements wrong...that's all I need do. I'll run it by Doug, see what he says. It's just the kind of thing he would endorse. He'll either say nothing or he'll endorse it. He's full of nutty ideas, like I have a future quality life with this pain.

Maybe that's why I love him so much.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
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There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
  #20  
Old Aug 06, 2004, 05:31 AM
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silver_queen silver_queen is offline
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Can't you inform the police of this? It's sexual harrassment.

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RIP Dexter...
<font color=red>The best dog ever!!!</font color=red>

<font color=green>In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning.</font color=green>
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
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That's why it's such a serious thing to ask a Centaur to stay for the weekend. A very serious thing indeed.

- The Silver Chair
  #21  
Old Aug 06, 2004, 05:24 PM
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LadyDragus LadyDragus is offline
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I am so sorry you have to go through this all alone..

I am sorry..
after re-reading this.. I want you to take the list that you wrote, futher down and make a list of postives in your life..

if you feel like it..
I know when I get deperssed it helps me to fight my deperssion.. If I have my list, it does not have to be long, or short. it can be only one thing, does not matter..
Could you try this,
If you feel like posting it, cool, if you only want me or a few to see it pm it to them..
but I think if you can do that,
That would be one step in your battle against deperssion and isoltaion..

<marquee> <font color=purple> (((((((((((((((((( hugs and hugs )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) </marquee>

<font color=purple>
Roam if you want to
Roam around the world
Roam if you want to
Without wings, without wheels
Roam if you want to
Roam around the world
Roam if you want to
Without anything but the love we feel
Written by B-52's
</font color=purple>
<div class="foot">(Edited by Lady_Dragus on 08/06/04 05:38 PM.)</div>
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