Lost (trigger)

I'm filled with this sense that something is wrong. Horribly wrong. The thoughts are back. I'm moody and irritable... I don't want it to be true, but maybe the meds aren't working anymore. This is about the time of year that gets pretty bad for me emotionally.

I just want to be able to cry, instead of wanting to do it all the time. I want to be able to accomplish tasks, but I don't have the energy anymore. Everything is too much. My life is too much.

My friends all think I'm perfectly fine and I complain too much. Maybe they're right. For the second time in this many days, I was told that in order to be happy - I need to think happy. Yeah, that doesn't work so well on me. That's what meds do, fix the brain so it can accept happy, but doesn't MAKE it happy.

I've got a counselling appt on Monday. I know it's at 11am, even if I don't want to remember. I'm scared. I don't want to go by myself. I really don't. I just need someone to make sure I get there and that I'm calm enough that I don't freak out and leave. Sounds simple in theory.

I'm scared I'll screw up and people will be upset. I'm afraid that my friends are sick of my issues, because maybe mine aren't as bad as everyone else's. I'm terrified that my friend Mandy is going to make me crazy, and steal my friends away from me in the process by telling them lies. I don't want to drink, and I don't want to self-injure, but what would you have me do instead?

I feel stuck. With no way out. I'd love for my friends to know all of this, but I'm scared that they'd take it the wrong way. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to lose them. When it comes down to it, sometimes they're the only good thing in my life. And that's enough to make me start crying again.

I need to pull it together. I need to pretend to be okay. Nobody can know what's really going on in my head... I'll just chase them away again.

I'm lost. Probably never to be found, because if I was gone... nobody would miss me.

Christina, from all I have read in your posts, you would be missed very much...and if your friends irl have issues with your medical or mental probs in your time of need, then they werent good friends to begin with...you can only walk so long on the tightrope of keeping others happy...soon the facade cracks and the walls come tumbling down oftern with crushing results!!!

Here if you wanna rant...take a deep breath and in and out through the nose nice and easy....picture the sea nice and serene...peaceful...hear a gull...another breath...in thru nose and out thru mouth...stretch arms over head like you are reaching for a star and RELAX you can and will make it to your appt... sorry...i always talk too much...lol melanie

(((((((((((Christina)))))))))))

You would be very, VERY missed. If you've ever believed anything i've ever said, believe that.

You say you want you're friends to know, but you're scared of how they'll react.... can you give them a chance to react? You never know, they may just prove you wrong and show you how much they care and want to help you. You don't seem like the person who would attract uncaring friends, so maybe try talking with one of them? Even if you just share a little bit... its worth a shot, at least then you'd know for sure how they would take things.

You don't need to "pretend" to be or do anything... thats only going to keep things building up inside you, and will eventually work out against you. But I imagine you already know that....

I'm glad you have an appt on Monday... do you think it would be possible to ask one of your friends to walk you there? You wouldn't really even have to explain a whole lot if you don't want... just that you're talking with someone, and could use the extra company to make sure you get there.

Working on loving and accepting yourself if so hard... SO hard. But you are on the right track. You're acknowledging how you're feeling, and you're working on how you can fix things - even if it doesn't feel like it. Just by booking your appt, and saying you WANT to talk with your friends shows that you are slowly working your way towards feeling better...

Be kind with yourself.. and know how much you mean to everyone here, and also to your friends.

Hugs,
Jacq

Jacq is right. I would miss you too~! We really would!

Stay here with us ok? im here on line. want to chat?

Love to you Christina,

Colleen

Christina, it sounds like you have a lot of anxiety at the moment. Stay strong, go to your appointment, and keep fighting against your illness. It will pay off in the end.

As for real life friends, try go gauge which friends would want to know this much about you and have the depth and sympathy needed to deal with it and which ones do not. There are all kinds of friendships out there and you don't need to disclose everything to your more casual companions.

Stay strong, be safe, and good luck with your appointment.

Cyran0

(((((Christina)))))))) missed and you dont know how... dont let your light flicker out... wishing there was more i could do... just hang in there... remember good basic self care.. remember there are people who care about you... remember you are a beuatiful person with love all around wherever you go... it is the world you choose to create that will be the world made for you...

(((((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))

How are you doing???

(((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))

Once again, I make a post and forget to respond. Sometimes even forgetting it exists.

thank you all for your support and love, it means a lot. I'll respond again tomorrow with more to say... but right now my brain is a tad fried.

Love you all.