[Rose76]

I'm in another depressive episode. Having episodes of depression is part of my life. Always has been. I expect it always will be. In between episodes, I feel quite well and normal. The reason I'm here, starting a thread, is because lately there's been too many episodes too close together.

I tell myself that I'll get over this. I always do. It might just last a few days. But it's getting real demoralizing to keep falling into a trough. I barely get to feeling normal again, when I skid off the road back into a ditch. This heat doesn't help because I'm less active, which is not good.

Any encouragement helps. About 10 days ago I was having an episode. I ended up getting very emotional and having a meltdown in front of someone. That really embarrassed me. So I've been keeping to myself a lot.

Next I'm going to shower and dress. I didn't for the past two days. Then I have a messy kitchen to clean. Yesterday, all I ate was bread and butter. Lack of consistent routine is a big problem for me.

I'm starting to fear that this will never end . . . that I'll just keep getting sucked down.

[unaluna]

Yeah my power was out for 48 hours (came back yesterday) and man i waz not happy at all. I was sooo uncomfortable. Somebody on the Nextdoor app said he was living like a caveman. That is, once i got power back! The storm flooded part of my living room thru my air conditioner so thats nice and moldy now. I bought a wetvac last year, i have to dig it out.

I cant keep butter in the house. If i buy some, its gone in a few days. Ditto bread. I restrain - is that the right word? - myself to wasa sourdough crackers and duffy's crumpets. The crumpets are kinda hard to chew so not likely i will overeat them. And the wasa - nobody overeats that.

I seem to remember a title, i dont know of what - "Been down so long, it looks like up to me." That probably describes me.

[Rose76]

@unaluna - I hope things get better for you.

[Fuzzybear]

Sending hugs Rose

[Rose76]

I managed to take a shower. The temperature has dropped down, which feels merciful. (Was too hot before.) Now I want to tackle my messy kitchen. Then I'll feel like putting some supper together. If I wake up tomorrow to a clean, tidy kitchen, things won't seem so bad.

At first, climbing out of a real blue mood feels excruciatingly slow. I'm just crawling inch by inch.

[Rose76]

I managed to eat - just cheese and crackers and pickles. I didn't clean up the kitchen. I had a glass of wine. It got me too tired.

Looking at some notes I made, I see that I got seriously depressed back the 2nd week of June. I managed to pull out of it . . . yet here I am feeling so low again. I think of suicide. I'm afraid it would be painful. But to keep going through these spells that are getting worse. I'm getting hopeless. I just go in and out of this bad state. I snapped out of it for a little while, but it comes back.

I know I've failed to arrange my life properly and do constructive things with my time. I feel so bad about the mess I've turned into.

I'll see if I can make a cup of tea.

[Rose76]

I never did clean the kitchen yesterday. I'll try now. I just want to lie down. I'm just a wreck.

[Rose76]

I'm awake since before dawn, as keeps happening. The kitchen is still a mess.

Usually, during a depressive episodes I tell myself that it will blow over. It always has. I get going, clean up my place, and I'm better.

This is different because I am starting to feel self-loathing. Feeling disappointed in other people can cause sadness. But hating yourself is way worse. I keep thinking that I want to die.

Not a very interesting thread, I know.

[Rose76]

Today has been a bad day.

[Violetta75]

I also had a meltdown in front of someone. And I didn't know him. I guess I'm vulnerable. Is that a bad thing? To need someone to notice and care? The response was will you give me a hug... stupid me walked away. I was a jerk.

We all have pain. You'd think this guy had his act together pretty well. I think it's ok to let out your emotions, maybe not in front of certain people but it's a sign you need someone to care about you.

Offline do you have activities to get your mind off of your problems? It's hard to find motivation, but once you do it might be a key to getting out of these revolving episodes. I've been that way too. Yes they go away but there is an underlying reason you are returning to being depressed.

We need contact. I don't know you so ignore this if it isn't relevant or something you'd like to do. Maybe join a dating site? A meetup.com site to get out with others? A hobby that also benefits someone else, even volunteering occasionally with something you know you're fairly good at. All the best to you.

[Violetta75]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I managed to eat - just cheese and crackers and pickles. I didn't clean up the kitchen. I had a glass of wine. It got me too tired.

Looking at some notes I made, I see that I got seriously depressed back the 2nd week of June. I managed to pull out of it . . . yet here I am feeling so low again. I think of suicide. I'm afraid it would be painful. But to keep going through these spells that are getting worse. I'm getting hopeless. I just go in and out of this bad state. I snapped out of it for a little while, but it comes back.

I know I've failed to arrange my life properly and do constructive things with my time. I feel so bad about the mess I've turned into.

I'll see if I can make a cup of tea.

Please don't go the way of suicide. Can you be easier on yourself? I used to not even think of myself and ejoy a cup of tea. I'd sit on the couch and vegetate. Be good to yourself. Housekeeping never ends, but I know when everything is a mess you are feeling demoralized... it's ok... you're human. No one is perfect. Don't forget that.

[Rose76]

@Violetta75 - thank you for your posts. My episode started to end yesterday. Then I went outside to fill my birdfeeders, clean the bird bath, and check my plants, most of which died. My favorite - the golden euonymus - lived. So I watered it. I ate better. Cleaned the kitchen and took a shower.

The underlying reason is me being alone way too much. I have to do something about that, or episodes will keep coming. I will try.