[Rose76]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

Sometimes it seems like everyone hates me. People mock me and sometimes it seems cruel and mean-spirited. Someone said I'm not their type and when I asked why they said it's because they like intelligent people. And that just sets me off on a downward spiral of negative thoughts, about how I'm not only stupid but lazy and ugly too, and I've never accomplished anything in life, and I have no redeeming qualities or features. Then people mock me for getting emotional but that only makes it worse. It's hard to go through life realizing no one has ever wanted or desired you, they've only ever been stuck with you, that you've always been a burden and nothing more.

When people make insulting remarks, it says more about them than it does about you. To say you're not their type because they only like intelligent people shows that person to be kind of a jerk themself. You don't have to buy into an opinion like that. Don't allow others to lead you to foolish conclusions. From your well written post it is clear that you have normal intelligence.

[Rose76]

I'm doing fairly okay in staying out of the dark pit. Been sleeping good and keeping up with my housework.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

Sometimes it seems like everyone hates me. People mock me and sometimes it seems cruel and mean-spirited. Someone said I'm not their type and when I asked why they said it's because they like intelligent people. And that just sets me off on a downward spiral of negative thoughts, about how I'm not only stupid but lazy and ugly too, and I've never accomplished anything in life, and I have no redeeming qualities or features. Then people mock me for getting emotional but that only makes it worse. It's hard to go through life realizing no one has ever wanted or desired you, they've only ever been stuck with you, that you've always been a burden and nothing more.

I feel like this as well

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Buffy01

I feel like this as well

I was talking about this to my gp last week, when i said i would not seek treatment if i had cancer. He goes, but your so bubbly! Its a defense, isnt it? Look im laughing, please dont unalive me, i wont bother you, i agree with you.

Its like that meme, you had one job. Our parents had one job, just be effin nice to us. It wasnt something they could pass off to someone else. Once those brain synapses are cut short from lack of attention and care, they dont grow back and we are stuck here. Observers, participants as much as we can manage.

[3rd rock]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Its like that meme, you had one job. Our parents had one job, just be effin nice to us. It wasnt something they could pass off to someone else. Once those brain synapses are cut short from lack of attention and care, they dont grow back and we are stuck here. Observers, participants as much as we can manage.

I think you're exactly right. If you have a difficult childhood then your mind forms in abnormal ways, resulting in mental illness later in life and the inability to manage things like relationships in ways that everyone else can. I had parents who were divorced and who fought bitterly over me and my sister, and both tried to manipulate us against the other. It's only as an adult that I've realized how this resulted in my inability to seek and maintain healthy, functioning relationships, and in turn mental illnesses like persistent depression. I'm still coming to terms with this. I don't know if I'll ever overcome it.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I was talking about this to my gp last week, when i said i would not seek treatment if i had cancer. He goes, but your so bubbly! Its a defense, isnt it? Look im laughing, please dont unalive me, i wont bother you, i agree with you.

Its like that meme, you had one job. Our parents had one job, just be effin nice to us. It wasnt something they could pass off to someone else. Once those brain synapses are cut short from lack of attention and care, they dont grow back and we are stuck here. Observers, participants as much as we can manage.

I believe yt. Sometimes we just need a sense of humor.

[Rose76]

I'm still managing to stay out of the dark pit, but just barely. Today got very stressful. I don't seem to be handling stress well.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

I think you're exactly right. If you have a difficult childhood then your mind forms in abnormal ways, resulting in mental illness later in life and the inability to manage things like relationships in ways that everyone else can. I had parents who were divorced and who fought bitterly over me and my sister, and both tried to manipulate us against the other. It's only as an adult that I've realized how this resulted in my inability to seek and maintain healthy, functioning relationships, and in turn mental illnesses like persistent depression. I'm still coming to terms with this. I don't know if I'll ever overcome it.

Like you I had emotionally immature or plain immature parents. Yet I didn’t realize this until now. It took their deaths and some digging on parenting. It’s often generational, the cycle repeating itself.

My parents acted so superior like they were better than everyone. It not only affects you as a child but an adult as well. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as childhood emotional neglect until I saw it on this site.

———
Sent from my iPhone

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by nonightowl

...
My parents acted so superior like they were better than everyone. It not only affects you as a child but an adult as well. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as childhood emotional neglect until I saw it on this site.

Omg, exactly. About 15 years ago, when i restarted therapy with my final therapist, i read a book on Attachment, and honestly it was like reading a physics book for me. These concepts did not occur naturally in nature for me! Looking? Listening? Being there? Thats a big nope.

[Rose76]

I want to clean the kitchen floor, but I just can't get started. I slept pretty good, once I got to sleep. That was this morning. Maybe I need a nap. Maybe I'm just lazy.

[Buffy01]

I been feeling awful especially lately

[Rose76]

Thursday went well. Got a lot done. Feel hopeful.

[Buffy01]

I have been so emotional lately and my mood keeps going up and down throughout the day.

[Rose76]

Still feeling pretty good. It's a holiday, and I'm alone, but I'm okay with that today.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

[Calla lily12]

I went on a cleaning frenzy. Scrubbed both bathrooms, vacuumed the bedroom, halls and kitchen. Washed and waxed kitchen floor, got Xmas decorations up from basement, and almost finished painting down the basement stairs and putting new stair treads down. Also, I baked apple crisp.
I get frantic if the house isn't clean so that's done. I think I'm tired.

[Rose76]

@Calla lily12 - way to go! You were on a role. Sounds like you're ready to tackle the Christmas season.

[Rose76]

Cooked a turkey breast. I enjoyed the day, even though I was alone. Looking for a nice movie. Having a Margarita. I'm in better shape compared to this time last year, when I was quite depressed.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Still feeling pretty good. It's a holiday, and I'm alone, but I'm okay with that today.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Still feeling pretty good. It's a holiday, and I'm alone, but I'm okay with that today.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Originally Posted by Calla lily12

I went on a cleaning frenzy. Scrubbed both bathrooms, vacuumed the bedroom, halls and kitchen. Washed and waxed kitchen floor, got Xmas decorations up from basement, and almost finished painting down the basement stairs and putting new stair treads down. Also, I baked apple crisp.
I get frantic if the house isn't clean so that's done. I think I'm tired.

This is something that I need to start doing in my bedroom.

[Buffy01]

I started journaling again on my journal app and then started the process of understanding what it is the root of my grief and my depression.

[Rose76]

I did nothing today. Felt too tired. I don't think it was real fatigue. Not real depressed, but low on motivation

[nonightowl]

Well the day is half over and so far I’ve at least had some peace and quiet. It’s been over 10 years since I’ve had anyone to celebrate my birthday with so I’ve been thinking of it as a self care day instead. Got my comfort food and books 📚

For many years my aunt used to call me on my birthday 🎉! She never missed a beat but has been gone for over 20 years now. In hindsight I see how thoughtful that was. It was taken for granted sadly.

———
Sent from my iPhone

[3rd rock]

I don't like it when people belittle me or insult my intelligence. Admittedly, it's sometimes hard for me to tell the difference between abrasive humor and real insults, but still. I don't like it when I pose a question and the response is to rhetorically ask if I'm retarded. (Apologies for the language). When people do this it makes me feel very bad, not because of the insult in itself but because it makes me feel bad for not understanding something that apparently others around me understand in full. And these people are supposed to be my friends, or at least the closest I've got to friends. I just wish people would treat me better, but I'm unable to assert myself or advocate for myself because of my mental health and personality issues.

I have been medically cleared to return to work without restriction, but my employer continues to insist I sign a special agreement before they will start scheduling me shifts. The union is fighting this and I'm confident we'll win, however it still doesn't feel good to be subjected to this treatment by my employer, which I consider unlawful discrimination on the basis of ability (e.g. medical condition). I'll be okay for money, and the union is seeking payment of my full wages for the time I miss due to this disagreement.

Last week I had my last appointment with my psychiatrist before he discharged me. I don't believe I'm fully well in terms of my mental health, but I have been stabilized and I'm not an imminent risk to harm myself. He urged me to find a personal therapist to work through some of my deeper personal issues, and that's something I'll consider once I've returned to work. Therapy is covered by my benefits plan, but only up to $500 a year and many personal therapists charge up to $200 an hour or more. I believe my mental health problems stem from issues growing up, and a personal therapist could help me work through them, but at the present time I can't afford it.

[Rose76]

I'm doing pretty good, keeping the blues away. Brought in all my Christmas stuff from my outside storage closet. It takes me so long to start my day. Mornings I just have no motivation. I generally feel better every day at about 4 p.m. Wish I could feel ok earlier.

[Buffy01]

I have been researching reasons why I am going through depression before one of my sisters came over and started talking down to me