[3rd rock]

I made it through my first week back at work more or less without incident. I found it easy to jump right back into my duties. I have not really experienced any depressive episodes over the past week and my mood has been about as good as it can be. I believe this is because I've started chatting online for a few months now with a woman. It may lead to nothing, but we're going to just chat like this for a while and see where it takes us. We check in with each other every day, and sometimes spend extended periods chatting. We've even shared intimate details about ourselves as well as pictures and voice chatting. This is probably stupid of me, but I'm already starting to daydream about meeting her. It almost feels like I'm developing a bit of a crush on her, which I've never done online before. I'm apprehensive about it, but I also hope for it.

And then I realize that I'm getting way too far of myself, and I have to remind myself this will never amount to anything even remotely resembling a real relationship. I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak. I don't think I can withstand that kind of pain, not at my age. I should just end it now, but I can't bring myself to do that. I'm stupid for allowing this to happen. I don't even have the excuse of youthful inexperience, as I'm in my late thirties. I'm just an idiot. It's just whenever I feel good about something like this, it's always been immediately followed by heartbreak. So I fully expect heartbreak is imminent. I'm totally at the mercy of my feelings and I hate it.

And I feel so ashamed of it in part because it's purely an online relationship, we haven't even met up once, not yet.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

snip: I believe this is because I've started chatting online for a few months now with a woman. It may lead to nothing, but we're going to just chat like this for a while and see where it takes us. We check in with each other every day, and sometimes spend extended periods chatting. We've even shared intimate details about ourselves as well as pictures and voice chatting. This is probably stupid of me, but I'm already starting to daydream about meeting her. It almost feels like I'm developing a bit of a crush on her, which I've never done online before. I'm apprehensive about it, but I also hope for it.

And then I realize that I'm getting way too far of myself, and I have to remind It's just whenever I feel good about something like this, it's always been immediately followed by heartbreak.

Ah, Rock I had a similar experience recently but it’s not to jinx you! I was talking to a man online about a year and we had so much in common. He seemed so sincere and when I found out we live in the same state and region, I daydreamed about meeting him one day. We never talked on the phone and didn’t know what the other looked like. Yet I still thought I made a real friend, possibly a real life one.

Then he stopped responding and deleted his account. No closure or proper goodbye or anything. It was like a death, as it took me a couple of months to process that he did that. And this from someone who said people ghost him. Then he turns around and does it to ME. I was so hurt and shocked. I finally deleted all his messages.

I certainly hope this works out for you.

———
Sent from my iPhone

[Rose76]

It was not a good day. Totally my own fault.

[3rd rock]

I just told her that I love her, and she did not respond in kind. She just said 'I'm rather fond of you,' among other things. I don't know what I expected, but I feel stupid for having said it and for having the feelings that I feel. I also feel wounded by it. I'm really stupid for feeling the way I do because I should be able to control my feelings more because I'm an adult in my late-30s. I just don't know what to do.

[Rose76]

Another bad day. Depressed.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

I just told her that I love her, and she did not respond in kind. She just said 'I'm rather fond of you,' among other things. I don't know what I expected, but I feel stupid for having said it and for having the feelings that I feel. I also feel wounded by it. I'm really stupid for feeling the way I do because I should be able to control my feelings more because I'm an adult in my late-30s. I just don't know what to do.

I think you mentioned in this thread about emotionally unavailable parents. As adults, it can affect how we identify and express our feelings. I had the same kind of parents.

I validate my feelings and accept them, since I didn't get that growing up. Feelings are just ARE, not right or wrong. If that's how you feel, then that's how it is.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Been in a great mood all day, finishing trimming my tree and putting up other stuff. It's looking quite nice. I've listened to the Christmas records my father bought when I was a little kid. Good songs always perk me up.

: I wish that I can be great mood

[JaneOnceMore]

You are all welcome to join us bipolars on the virtual Christmas dinner thread over on the General Social Chat forum. What will you bring?

@3rd rock:

I've enjoyed several online relationships. They were very meaningful and i learned a lot and broadened my horizons as the men were from cities far away. Note that it's easier for women to enjoy online relationships because the physical is not as important to us, generally. I know you're struggling to stay realistic and i encourage you to persevere, for your own well-being.

[3rd rock]

Originally Posted by nonightowl

I think you mentioned in this thread about emotionally unavailable parents. As adults, it can affect how we identify and express our feelings. I had the same kind of parents.

I validate my feelings and accept them, since I didn't get that growing up. Feelings are just ARE, not right or wrong. If that's how you feel, then that's how it is.

Originally Posted by JaneOnceMore

You are all welcome to join us bipolars on the virtual Christmas dinner thread over on the General Social Chat forum. What will you bring?

@3rd rock:

I've enjoyed several online relationships. They were very meaningful and i learned a lot and broadened my horizons as the men were from cities far away. Note that it's easier for women to enjoy online relationships because the physical is not as important to us, generally. I know you're struggling to stay realistic and i encourage you to persevere, for your own well-being.

Thank you for your words of support. She and I have talked about it and she says that she has strong feelings for me but she's very cautious about saying 'I love you' due to past relationship difficulties and traumas. She says she's not ready to say that but she appreciates hearing me say it. So I'm just going to continue to say it every now and then until she's ready to, if she ever is.

I hope this could someday become a real relationship, but I'm not sure if it ever will. I'm afraid this will end in serious heartbreak and potentially a significant deterioration of depression if it does. But I can't control how I feel. All it takes sometimes is the slightest thing to send me into a downward spiral, and I have no way of knowing in advance what that might be. I hate it.

[JaneOnceMore]

Yay Christmas is O-V-E-R!!! Thanks to all who participated in the virtual Christmas dinner thread. It was yummy!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by JaneOnceMore

Yay Christmas is O-V-E-R!!! Thanks to all who participated in the virtual Christmas dinner thread. It was yummy!

awesome

[Rose76]

Depressed. Spending the day in bed. I know that's wrong, but I don't care. Also - I've had a throbbing toothache for hours.

[3rd rock]

Feeling okay at the moment. Still enjoying turkey leftovers from Christmas day. I love turkey sandwiches made from a turkey my mom cooked personally. I've got five days in a row off work, thanks to the stat holidays and my employer's creative scheduling. Trying to get some reading and writing done. Not much in the way of housework, though; the most I've managed today is taking out the trash. I still have a lot of dishes to do, and some other cleaning in the kitchen. I'm done for the day but I'll continue to chip away at it tomorrow.

[Blulou]

Doing stuff is the only way to slow my head down. I have short (moments) of calm and then it starts again. I wish I had something more helpful, but I can relate to you. No one sees me (I prefer it ) non stop for 12 hours which and it's exhausting.
It's all I have right now. I actually painted the second floor to keep busy. It's hard for me to get motivated and I feel like a zombie so I try not think when I have to do something.
It's hard

[Rose76]

Still depressed.

[Buffy01]

I have been feeling depressed again

[nonightowl]

The holiday blues or whatever they call it, is especially visceral this year. I think it’s because someone online I thought was a real friend ghosted me. And someone in real life that I thought was a potential friend turned out to be anything but. It helps to remind myself it’s not just me but I wish I knew these people in real life.

———
Sent from my iPhone

[Rose76]

I feel like this episode of depression might be starting to ease up. Maybe I'll shower and get dressed. I'm getting sick of my place being messy. I'm sick of not eating good meals. Before Christmas, I was doing fairly ok. I have to get back to that.

[Buffy01]

if I had to educational guess I feel depressed maybe the way : I talk and think about myself blush: due to having a disability that will never get better or being looked down

[Rose76]

I'm doing much better.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Depressed. Spending the day in bed. I know that's wrong, but I don't care. Also - I've had a throbbing toothache for hours.

I’m very sometimes staying in can be good try peroxide your tooth pain

[Rose76]

I'm feeling pretty upbeat. Got a lot done yesterday. Got a lot more to do.

[3rd rock]

Things have been going better of late. My 'relationship' with this woman online continues to develop; she's told me she loves me. We're already starting to make plans to meet. It probably won't happen until June at the earliest due to our conflicting schedules, but at least it gives me something to look forward to. Otherwise, I'm just trying to get some writing done and get through the days on a day-to-day basis. I ordered a stairmaster online, and it just arrived today, I'll have to assemble it in a bit. Overall, this is probably the best I've felt in a long time, even though I'm still not really 'up,' just not as down.

One thing that bothers me in this 'relationship' is that I can't help but let myself fantasize all kinds of ridiculous scenarios, from us meeting all the way up to getting married and having a child together. I don't seriously expect this, and I haven't told her this, but I can't stop myself from thinking about it. I spend a lot of time doing this, whether I'm at work or at home. I shouldn't let my thoughts get so far ahead of me, because I'm just setting myself up for such heartbreak and depression if it doesn't go anywhere or if she breaks it off.

[Rose76]

Well, today was a flop. Hope I can do better tomorrow.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Still depressed.

me too