[nonightowl]

Yesterday afternoon was miserable, with an hours long power outage. That's when we get brutal reminders of how dependent we are on the power. I wanted to take some time for a long, soaking bath for my aches. (The sauna at the gym has been out of order for maintenance for over a month)

Glad it was still light out, but it exacerbated the loneliness. I absolutely HATE disruption/uncertainty and get worse as I get older. So that outage was both a disruption and uncertainty (how long it will last).

Then I get triggered by hearing my neighbors since I didn't have my music or fan on to help muffle those sounds. Both my next door neighbors had visitors and I could hear them talking. D a m n hardwood floors they started using years ago really amplifies sound. I didn't even have anyone to text, call, or go hang out with until the power is back. A lot of young people live in my building, and a lot of them got in their cars and drove off. I could've left but no where to go. Plus, I was hoping it would come back soon. Sometimes the power is out just a half hour or something. You just don't know.

Going out would have been even more disruptive.

And for some reason, I ALWAYS get a phone call during an outage. But my machine/Caller ID won't work without power. I didn't answer it cause it's probably an unwanted or robocall. It's VERY loud, the default ring. It echoes throughout my unit. And they kept calling. Made me so anxious. Nobody calls me, but I wondered if maybe the doctor's office needs to reschedule my appointment. It turned out to be the cable company, as they called again when the power was back. A robocall.

I had racing thoughts about my show not being recorded, that maybe this is a cyberattack by China, etc. It was windy, so it was probably the reason for it, though not THAT windy like in some areas.

I'm ambivalent about my routine/rituals, yet when I get disrupted I'm in a tailspin. All I could do was read by flashlight, and listen to my Walkman. (Yeah I still have one of those!) And use my battery powered nature sounds machine to try to block out the neighbors at least somewhat.

When the power came back, it was too late for dinner. Just ate some trail mix and the outage actually threw off my entire evening. Didn't watch my regular show, AND we ran out of hot water again. I needed that soothing hot water, and I wondered if the outage impacted the boiler. I thought it was gas powered but maybe it's both. I didn't ask the manager because he doesn't respond a lot of times. And I didn't say the hot water was out because one time he said it was just me. I KNOW that's not true. Trying to gaslight me.

There wasn't even activity on here at the time, and my phone's battery drains so fast. (It was like that even when new) My borrowed laptop lost the signal due to the outage. I had a hard time finding information online about the outage because it's trial and error with search terms. That (browser) drained the battery for sure, but I need power to charge the phone! Stupid outage map was so slow to load, and I don't have the strongest cell signal anyway.

Even though the manager told us it was widespread, for some unknown reason I didn't feel less alone!

I know there's more important stuff going on, but I have very little in my life to enjoy. Or things that sustain me during these times.

Just had to rant and this thread seemed the best place.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

I still feel sick. I haven't been eating anything and only managing fluids. I've been sleeping more than not the past couple of days. I'm still extremely lonely without my cockatiel and feeling rather depressed. Sometimes I catch myself turning around the corner or coming home and whistling or saying out loud the things I'd said to interact with her in particular, only to realize myself. I suppose I'll just try to get through the next couple of days and hope this spell of illness lifts.

Feel better, Rock.

Grief is hard enough without the physical symptoms too.....Speaking from experience, grief can cause physical stuff too.

[Rose76]

Still not doing good. Still depressed. Sad.

[Buffy01]

I need to figure out how to better manage my depression symptoms

[3rd rock]

Still feeling very lonely and sad. Sleeping enough, but still exhausted all the time. Apartment's a mess and I have no motivation to clean any of it. Even just taking out the trash and having a shower takes all the energy I have. I just really want someone to talk to and I have no one.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

Still feeling very lonely and sad. Sleeping enough, but still exhausted all the time. Apartment's a mess and I have no motivation to clean any of it. Even just taking out the trash and having a shower takes all the energy I have. I just really want someone to talk to and I have no one.

I feel that way too. The volunteer who's supposed to be making friendly calls to me has only called me once in 3 months. We've texted a bit but that kind of communication seems to be for brief exchanges. Not the long kind I want. Since she's a volunteer, I don't feel right to complain.

I've asked for an additional caller but heard nothing so far. It's been about a month. I'm tired of always having to follow up with people because they don't respond, even to say "I'm still working on it."

What's happening in this country makes me feel even more isolated. So I spend time in threads about it, which is better than feeling alone sitting on my sofa looking at the news. When the power went out and I found out "thousands" are without, I still felt like it was just me.

And I don't get why the media keeps showing the same images of people smiling, with their arms around other people smiling. It's like they are saying this is what my life is supposed to be like. What little "family" I have left threw me under the bus. Hence, not "family" just blood or DNA connected.

Last night I had nightmares I was left alone in my parents' house with just our dog. Just abandoned. In real life, I found out my parents left me out on a lot of legal documents and decisions. So that nightmare was symbolic, left alone in a house way too big for one person.

[Rose76]

Making slow progress. I move at the pace of a snail. I'm a little less depressed.

[3rd rock]

I have been ghosted by the woman I had an online 'relationship' with. She has disappeared from all contacts and I haven't heard from her in over a week now. I feel devastated and humiliated in that I allowed myself to feel this way about someone I knew only online. I have never felt this way about someone online before, and I never will again. I'm in my late-30s and I'm too old for this stuff. But I let myself get lured into this anyways because I'm stupid and lazy and ugly.

I had thought I'd found someone after having been single for several years, but now that's gone. It's an awful feeling being betrayed by someone you loved like this. It feels like there's a hole in my chest where my heart had been. I've been crying off and on since yesterday, when I finally decided this radio silence meant it was over. The worst part about it is that if she suddenly reappeared and asked me to, I'd probably take her back. That's because I'm a liar and a coward and I let people walk all over me. I'm just so sad at this, and I'm so lonely in life generally. I hate myself.

I was really excited about meeting her. We'd agreed to meet in late July, and I'd already paid for my plane ticket, car rental, and the airbnb. We'd agreed to meet in Dallas, Texas, because we both thought it was a good idea to meet on neutral ground. But now that that's not happening, I'm still going to spend that week in Dallas, just on my own. I really need a vacation anyways. Maybe that'll help me recover from this.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

I have been ghosted by the woman I had an online 'relationship' with. She has disappeared from all contacts and I haven't heard from her in over a week now. I feel devastated and humiliated in that I allowed myself to feel this way about someone I knew only online. I have never felt this way about someone online before, and I never will again. I'm in my late-30s and I'm too old for this stuff. But I let myself get lured into this anyways because I'm stupid and lazy and ugly.

I had thought I'd found someone after having been single for several years, but now that's gone. It's an awful feeling being betrayed by someone you loved like this. It feels like there's a hole in my chest where my heart had been. I've been crying off and on since yesterday, when I finally decided this radio silence meant it was over. The worst part about it is that if she suddenly reappeared and asked me to, I'd probably take her back. That's because I'm a liar and a coward and I let people walk all over me. I'm just so sad at this, and I'm so lonely in life generally. I hate myself.

I was really excited about meeting her. We'd agreed to meet in late July, and I'd already paid for my plane ticket, car rental, and the airbnb. We'd agreed to meet in Dallas, Texas, because we both thought it was a good idea to meet on neutral ground. But now that that's not happening, I'm still going to spend that week in Dallas, just on my own. I really need a vacation anyways. Maybe that'll help me recover from this.

I’m so :sorry that was wrong for her : to lead you to believe that she wanted you. go ahead and take yourself out on a vacation and enjoy yourself

[nonightowl]

Oh Rock

That’s so devastating! You have such courage to still go; I couldn’t do that! And paying all that money and making those arrangements…..Not refundable it seems to me.

I hope you get something from the trip.

———
Sent from my iPhone 📱

[Calla lily12]

Rock I'm so sorry that happened. WTH is wrong with people? Don't blame yourself and call yourself stupid. The person who ghosted you is the one with the problem.
Use the trip to Texas as a gift to yourself.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by Calla lily12

Rock I'm so sorry that happened. WTH is wrong with people? Don't blame yourself and call yourself stupid. The person who ghosted you is the one with the problem.
Use the trip to Texas as a gift to yourself.

I agree ☝️ People like that have a problem. It’s happened to me many times now. Never understood why it’s so common and seemingly acceptable, but I read it’s about maturity.

Let us know how the trip goes, if you feel like it of course.

———
Sent from my iPhone 📱

[3rd rock]

Originally Posted by Buffy01

I’m so :sorry that was wrong for her : to lead you to believe that she wanted you. go ahead and take yourself out on a vacation and enjoy yourself

Originally Posted by nonightowl

Oh Rock

That’s so devastating! You have such courage to still go; I couldn’t do that! And paying all that money and making those arrangements…..Not refundable it seems to me.

I hope you get something from the trip.

———
Sent from my iPhone 📱

Originally Posted by Calla lily12

Rock I'm so sorry that happened. WTH is wrong with people? Don't blame yourself and call yourself stupid. The person who ghosted you is the one with the problem.
Use the trip to Texas as a gift to yourself.

Originally Posted by nonightowl

I agree ☝️ People like that have a problem. It’s happened to me many times now. Never understood why it’s so common and seemingly acceptable, but I read it’s about maturity.

Let us know how the trip goes, if you feel like it of course.

———
Sent from my iPhone 📱

Thank you all for your kind words. She's also ghosted our mutual online friends, which gives me some small hope she'll reappear. I really was in love with this woman, no different than if she was right here with me and we were dating, which makes it extremely hard to let go. If she is gone, I'd like some closure which I may never get. I'm just so desperate to reestablish contact with her. Our relationship was loving and mutually supportive, at least as far as online relationships can be, and there was no hint of what might come. I feel lost.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

Snip:Thank you all for your kind words. She's also ghosted our mutual online friends, which gives me some small hope she'll reappear.

If she did this to other people, that’s VERY telling and proof that she’s the one with issues.

———
Sent from my iPhone 📱

[nonightowl]

My senior center group is going to a matinee and lunch tomorrow. I don’t know whether to be disappointed or relieved they are seeing a movie I don’t want to see. I haven’t been to the movies in over 10 years and a group of 10 people is scary to me…..

They are having a “happy hour” Friday but I’m not a night person. And I don’t want to carpool with people I don’t know. Just trying to work up the courage to go to the movies was hard enough. I haven’t done anything that social in forever it seems. And I don’t feel like putting on the smiley face for “happy hour.” Stupid name, like you’re supposed to be happy and bubbly.

———
Sent from my iPhone 📱