[gary290]

I’m checking in. It’s after midnight and I’m in process of getting ready for sleep. Feeling apprehensive. Hopefully I can get some rest. Life with disrupted sleep patterns is for the birds. I feel I’m better prepared tonight.

[Rose76]

I'm not depressed, but I'm tending to sit around not getting stuff done. This will lead to depression, if I don't snap out of it. Don't want to go through that again. Not this soon after recovering from a long interval of depression.

[3rd rock]

I took my vacation in Texas. I didn't do nearly as much as I thought of doing, and I spent three of eight days there just relaxing around the house I rented on airbnb. Then, the weekend after I came back, I bought a new truck. I rather like it, and it made me feel very good. However, I can't help but fight the suspicion that something bad is coming. I'm trying to work on my novel, but it's very slow going. I have to keep pushing back the estimated completion date; it's now sometime in the second half of next year. I feel like this novel has the potential to be my life's work, the best I've done yet. But it's so hard to stay motivated and not to second-guess myself. I keep deleting entire swaths of it and then rewriting them, only to do it again later. It's very hard to make progress. Still, I have to keep reminding myself this is just a draft, and any problems can be worked out in rewrites later.

I still hate myself. I've hated myself for so long, over 20 years now, I think it's permanent. I think this disease has permanently warped my mind and I'm no longer capable of functioning mentally like a normal, healthy person. I can't establish relationships or engage with people normally. I'm just sort of resigned to my life now. I may try to get back into dating later this year, but I doubt anything will come of it. I tried the apps, but those are a disaster. I regret how I've wasted my life.

[nonightowl]

Rock kudos to you for going on vacation alone. I haven’t had one in decades and don’t want to go alone as I’m always alone. And I have nobody to hold down the fort.

I’m trying not to panic, as I haven’t heard from my only real life friend in weeks. Not necessarily unusual and it’s happened before but I try not to think the worse. But I don’t know how I could know for sure. We just email, and he’s in another state the last 14 years. This week I had an epiphany, realizing he’s my rock and anchor, someone I can tell anything to without judgement. I’ve known him almost 20 years! He’s the only person who remembers I exist.

We don’t have any mutual friends I could check with, though I have some old information for emergency contacts for him. I also have a physical address and cell number for him, but he doesn’t really use it much at all. I thought of how without him I’d be TRULY alone. I’d never hear that chime again on my phone, never get anymore cat pictures, etc. I look forward to receiving his messages and it’s the first thing I check daily when I get up. I care about no other messages which are either scams or a notice my bill or statement is now ready for viewing/paying.

I’m sure he would NOT ghost me. There’s many possible reasons why I am not getting a reply. I even looked up stuff like power outages, internet issues, etc. in his area but can’t find anything.

Also feeling ptsd from something similar that happened in 2016. I suddenly stopped hearing from someone and again, no mutual friends. I didn’t find out until 2 months later he passed and I found out online. Horrible way to find out.

I’m trying not to panic, as I do that too quickly anyway, for everything. After a few days I’ll try the other email address, cell, snail mail. As a last resort I’ll risk disturbing a stranger, though they might think I’m a scammer. I hope nothing happened to his cat or mother, both would devastate him of course.

Lately I feel so much loss, which I’m sick of. Although these aren’t people, I’m sad about my local bank branch closing, local drugstore and the demolishing of the office building next to my building. I’m actually grieving the losses of those places. They are going to build more apartments, luxury ones of course.

I mourn the loss of my copper landline which always works still during a power outage or storm. But I don’t think they are going to fix it, they said it was copper theft and vandalism. It’s more secure and robust than a stupid cell phone, which needs to be charged. No dropped calls or poor reception on a landline. I’m stuck at home most of the time with just 2 bars on my cell.

All my efforts to make friends didn’t pan out. I just go to my exercise class occasionally because seeing and hearing everyone talking and laughing makes the loneliness unbearable. And even though I don’t know if they know each other well or are just acquaintances, it’s still hard to be around. Sick of the same music and steps too.

I’m relieved my effing upstairs neighbor is apparently moving out but that also means more uncertainty, which I hate. I could get another crappy neighbor but I can only hope not.

I need something good to happen, a good person in my life. The volunteers who were supposed to give me social support aren’t doing it.





———
Sent from my iPhone 📱

[Rose76]

I just walked to the post office to pick up something. It's about one half mile away. Coming home, I felt like I could barely make it. That hasn't happened before, since I've been walking a lot. It is 98°F out there. I suppose the heat was a factor.

Not depressed, but lazy.

[Rose76]

Still lazy. I don't feel sad, but this is some new kind of depression. I just keep wanting to rest.

[Vaiana]

Today, like the rest of the week my mood is off, I want to do nothing and I feel like my past choices make my present kinda hard
I don't know what my future is made and it saddens me

[gary290]

Originally Posted by Vaiana

Today, like the rest of the week my mood is off, I want to do nothing and I feel like my past choices make my present kinda hard
I don't know what my future is made and it saddens me

Feeling similar - can relate. Trying to move forward. Wishing you the best.

[Rose76]

Still no motivation. This has gone on too long.

[nonightowl]

Well I'm relieved (understatement) my only real life friend is okay. Technology caused all this worry and stress, as it turns out his email provider wasn't sending messages, yet he didn't get any delivery error messages. So how could he know?? Stupid technology which we rely on now, whether you want to or not.

I was so desperate to hear from him, I finally called his mother whom he lives with, not knowing if that number is still valid. I got him on the line.....I was going to call his local police to do a wellness check if that didn't work. I live for his emails.......

Otherwise I feel I wasted my life and don't know how to make it better anymore. Everything I try doesn't work out, such as trying to make real connections. Real friends.

[Buffy01]

especially lately I been feeling depressed and can’t seem to shake out of my depression

[gary290]

Good Morning! Happy Friday! I’m feeling better today. My wife had her new psychiatrist appointment this morning. She said that she was great. My daughter comes home early from work today, so we can watch big brother together. I hope everyone has a good day.

[Rose76]

I'm doing better than yesterday.

[Stillhuman]

I’m struggling. I feel like I am depressed. I want to just give up and rest forever. It seems like life is so hard.

I can’t make anything work. I’m hiding out from my job because I just feel hopeless. Like I’m useless at my job, but I am also severely anxious. But I feel like I exist on the edge of my nerves to get through work. I go through the motions on most days.

I feel like they just want my apartment to be unliveable so I’ll be forced to leave.

I want to give up. Not work. Not bother with anything. I struggle with passive ideation because I have no confidence in changing anything. My living situation. My job. I feel hopeless.

I don’t have the ability to rest because I’m a paycheque away from homelessness.

[3rd rock]

I have been driving my new truck for a while, and I'm really enjoying it. My last truck was just a simple truck (it didn't even have power windows) so it's nice to have all the new features and luxuries modern vehicles have. The engine is very powerful and the cameras and sensors make parallel parking a breeze. Between my truck and my recent vacation to the states, I'm feeling a lot better. This has translated into more work on my novel; today, I wrote approximately 1,800 words. If I finish this chapter this weekend, then I'll be writing at a pace of about two chapters every week, which puts me on track to finish by the end of September. Then I have to rewrite it before sending it out to beta readers. I'm really hopeful because I think this has the potential to be my best writing yet, perhaps I can even get it published. Even if I do, it won't make me much money, and writing will remain little more than a hobby for me. Still, it's good to have goals.

Overall I'm doing better lately. I'm still very lonely, though. And I'm out of shape, too. Today I had to walk uphill for a few blocks in my city, and I had to stop 2 or 3 times to catch my breath. I really need to work on my physical health just as much as my mental health. It's hard to find the motivation, however.

[3rd rock]

Originally Posted by Stillhuman

I’m struggling. I feel like I am depressed. I want to just give up and rest forever. It seems like life is so hard.

I can’t make anything work. I’m hiding out from my job because I just feel hopeless. Like I’m useless at my job, but I am also severely anxious. But I feel like I exist on the edge of my nerves to get through work. I go through the motions on most days.

I feel like they just want my apartment to be unliveable so I’ll be forced to leave.

I want to give up. Not work. Not bother with anything. I struggle with passive ideation because I have no confidence in changing anything. My living situation. My job. I feel hopeless.

I don’t have the ability to rest because I’m a paycheque away from homelessness.

I understand what you're going through. I've had to take extensive time off work over the years due to mental health struggles. It often seems hopeless and I frequently want to just lie down and wait for whatever could happen. I've been in the psychiatric ward twice in my life. I don't have any advice but I just wanted you to know I empathize with your struggles.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by Stillhuman

I’m struggling. I feel like I am depressed. I want to just give up and rest forever. It seems like life is so hard.

I can’t make anything work. I’m hiding out from my job because I just feel hopeless. Like I’m useless at my job, but I am also severely anxious. But I feel like I exist on the edge of my nerves to get through work. I go through the motions on most days.

I feel like they just want my apartment to be unliveable so I’ll be forced to leave.

I want to give up. Not work. Not bother with anything. I struggle with passive ideation because I have no confidence in changing anything. My living situation. My job. I feel hopeless.

I don’t have the ability to rest because I’m a paycheque away from homelessness.

I feel like this a lot too. Terrified of growing older alone and our safety nets are in peril, what little we have to begin with.

In my building, they started putting in laminate flooring instead of carpet, so you can really hear all the noise from people. The guy above me walked like an elephant and had guests all the time thankfully moved out. BUT now I'm worried about what kind of neighbor I'll get this time. More uncertainty. Maybe the same? There's also construction on going next door, as they are building more apartments but the LUXURY kind. It's all day, even Saturdays.

Trying to make real connections or close friends has been futile. The efforts I've made have stretched me so thin now, people ghost me left and right. I wish I had a pet, as they love you unconditionally but taking care of me is hard enough. I have no support at all; life is hard and getting harder in this country.

I like your member name and kitty avatar. Yes, you're human we all are. And we are social creatures, it's in our DNA to want to connect. It was for survival and still is.

[Vaiana]

Yesterday I felt fine after a walk of one hour with my mom

Today, my mood was off most of the day, but I have started to feel better after watching funny videos
I still ruminate tho